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Rise in the Morn [#1]
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Rise in the Morn [#1] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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Prelude - I am my own worst critic...but I think it is time to step out and see what others REALLY think and how best I can improve my work. All comments are welcome, and thank you, in advance. KRJ Rise in the Morn As the dusk slowly winks toward night and the darkness creeps in, low and somber peacefully I nestle in wondering when I will greet my needed slumber. Creeping quietly the darkness flutters with shadows fingering through the shutters; in my mind my thoughts go racing and my heart feels like drummers pacing. Oh long vigil of morpheus deep under sheets and blankets cool and neat, outside the whispers softly quiver the leaves, and traffic silencing to hear nature breathe. Oh I recollect I know where it all starts silently the prayers plait through my heart so I will not be alone nor the only one to rise in the morn and welcome the Son. August 1999 KRJ < !signature--> Sunny ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ [This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 07-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
 I think restless nights without sleep is something in which most of us can relate and the use of the word Son is a strong indication of your spiritual conviction.I enjoyed the poem very much. Tecnically speaking I think perhaps you could do away with the punctuation except at the end of each stanza. I think it would help the poem flow better and give the reader more options. (Ask Elyse about this one?) For Example you wrote: and the darkness creeps in, low and somber peacefully I nestle in wondering it could be written: and the darkness creeps in low and somber peacefully I nestle in wondering. the darkness could creep in low and somber and peacefully or low and somber and peacefully I nestle in wondering similar examples would be... shutters in my mind blankets cool and neat outside They all present delightful images in my mind. You might want to capitalize the word Morpheus as being the god of dreams but it does appear nicely in lower case. Just my opinion, Bob <>< [This message has been edited by Lighthousebob (edited 07-13-2000).] |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
Hi Sunshine, I felt a bit of overlap between this (1st phrases) ... "and the darkness creeps in, low and somber" and this in the 2nd ... "Creeping quietly the darkness flutters" Maybe finds some other way to introduce how your "thoughts go racing" or use different words to describe the "creeping darkness"? just my 2 cents worth ... thanks. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I appreciate both your comments, Bob, and yours, MA...I will work on it a bit and revise...[not now] and will then repost for your review. Thank you so much! Sunny ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ |
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