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A Dark Desire
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Dark Desire |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada 
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A Dark Desire My insatiable desire, an indulgence of ecstasy, sensually stimulating, an erotic delicacy. Sinfully delightful, to intoxicating to decline, irresistably satisfying, exquisitely divine. Shamelessly I'm daring, guiding it with ease, my tongue encircling round it, savoring the intimacy. I'm wickedly delerious, it's nectar devilishly 'sweet', an addiction I can't deny, one I know I will repeat. Satan's drug will consume you, on this make no mistake, I am weak, no willpower, I just love a Devil's Food Cake!  (just couldn't come up with a fruit to go with your "Peaches" poem Elyse LOL) < !signature--> Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unkn [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 07-06-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Debbie McLellan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
mysticharm: I see Elyse has brought the naughty out in you.  HEY BRAD!!! HOW DO YOU PROPOSE WE DISCIPLINE ELYSE FOR BRINGING THE MINDS OF THIS FORUM INTO THE GUTTER?  Seriously, mysticharm (do you have a name?) I enjoyed the poem. There are a few things you may want to consider tweaking to strengthen the effect. First, the rhyme is a little forced in places. Rhyme and rhythm go hand in hand. If you have an irregular rhythm (or meter) in your lines, the natural sound of your end rhymes becomes a casualty. You may want to consider writing this in free-verse. You write very well when you are not trying so hard. Second, your first two stanzas are basicly modifiers with no objects (direct or implied). In the third stanza you begin to hint at some of the physical properties of the object but then you lapse back into vagueness. I think you should drop a few hints earlier on. Perhaps you could lead off with your third stanza to give the reader something to attach to all of those modifiers. First peaches and now Devil's Food Cake ... sheesh! What next? Thanks for the entertaining read. Jim |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Mysticharm could I get your phone number, I just love chocolate. Only teasing erotic but tatefuly done. I think Jims right elyse has corrupted you. Though there has long been a connection with the sensual and food. Don't ever try it with pizza unless of course you add hot sauce. Good write your friend forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 07-06-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Jim Now...you can't blame Elyse for bringing my mind in the gutter!!!  IT WAS THE DEVIL'S FOOD CAKE...IT'S ADDICTIVE LOLpsst...but she did start it LOL ...am still learning Jim, not sure what you mean by free-verse. "your first two stanzas are basicly modifiers with no objects (direct or implied). In the third stanza you begin to hint at some of the physical properties of the object but then you lapse back into vagueness" ...bear with me here Jim, if the poem is about a secret desire would desire not be my object and the cake itself a modifier of that desire? Hey, this actually sounded good but does it make sense LOL. ...I learned what a stanza was by reading Elyse's responses to other poems...she went to a lot of trouble to explain about the meter...I know I still need to work on it LOL, its a little more difficult in english to sound out the syllables but I'm determined. I'm glad you enjoyed it Jim...every bit of help is welcome. debbie Hi Forrest ...I should have thought of this for a title, "Erotic Chocolate" lol Isn't it the truth, sex and food, can't live without them and I wouldn't want to try  ...it's always a pleasure hearing from you Forrest and I'm glad you enjoyed it. debbie |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Good grief because of Elyse I can't go into the produce section without getting aroused now the bread section is off limits. Pretty soon the entire grocery store will be x-rated. My wife sent me to the store the other day and she questioned my reason for buying so many peaches but she didn't say anything about the 12 boxes of Devils food cake snacks. She must relate to your poem. Nice funny poem James |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi James ...isn't shopping much more fun now LOL, gives you a whole new outlook on groceries doesn't it ...the dairy section is next I'm glad it brought you a chuckle debbie |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
you have learned well young grasshoppa this was GREAT! i have to admit though, even i was blushing about that 3rd stanza before i found out you meant cake. excellent job though. maybe we should put together a book, and chase poor little james out of the grocery store all together. jim - i think its obvious the logical next step is whipped cream. goes well with both. shall you take that one debbie or shall i? you were right though, that is the dairy section. guess james will just have to starve. your sister in depravity and the unashamed instigator of all of this, Elyse |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
mysticharm, Free verse is verse without any 'fixed' structure, rhyme, or fixed rythme such as iambic pentameter. when i came upon the last stanza i thought poem was drawing errotic corrolations to drug addiction (yes, its true!). Having thought i had gotten the point of the poem, "Devil's food cake" comes up. Blink. Blink. I think 'A Dark Desire' threw me off. A dark desire for Food Cake!? Once the penny fell i liked the poem very much. The way the last line comes up is pretty funny, But.... I must say that i don't know what the world is coming to when a nice innocent young man such as myself can't read about combustables such as Peaches or Cake without salacious overtones...Utter depravity... Jim or Brad, surely requiring mysticharm and Elsye to drink hemlock for corrupting the morals of the youth of this forum would be an appropriate punishment? I had some friends at school who shared this sort of pervosity with you - of seeing salaciousness in the most innocent of things eg childrens cartoons...well, in the case of the smurfs id have to agree there is something definitely suss, some kinda cult with there with only being one smurf-chick, but..in the case of peaches or cake not even Fraud would see anything sexual in them - you really are very corrupt. -Tim -Tim [This message has been edited by Tim Gouldthorp (edited 07-07-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I've gotta say that this was a fun poem debbie but elyse is quite wrong y'know the tone has been dragged to these lowly depths before in CA .. you aren't the first .. check out warmhrt's "Just Wondering" .. ~smile~ p |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
LOL Elyse...grasshopper will be happy if doesn't have to burn symbols into arms  ...we could be dangerous doing a book lol, you could take the cream and I could work on hardware ...poor James, no food, but he would have an excuse not to fix anything  ...my oldest son is 26 years old, I've never seen him turn so many shades of red LOL, when he got to the end he says "mom, please don't do one about black forest cake or cherry cheesecake" lol ...it was fun to write Hi Tim ...I agree with you about the smurfs but I bet there were alot of happy smurfs running around LOL ...dark is in reference to the color of the cake and I really can't say no when it's in front of me ...thanks for the info on free verse Hi Philip ...I know I wasn't the first...Elyse beat me to it ...you know Philip, with the names of the chess pieces you could do a depraved version "royalty at it's worst on the battlefield" all those little pawns that get sacrificed for the king and queen's pleasure LOL thanks everyone for making a pit stop |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
debbie lol... we seem fated to misunderstand ..lol.. when i said "you" weren't the first i meant you and elyse collectively ie partners in crime .. ~grin~ .. ie "you two together" .. i meant for you to go look at Kris's poem "Just Wondering" .... now that's cleared up !! ... i like your suggestion for the chess pieces, but don't you think that if we carry on like this the forum is gonna get altogether to pawnographic ...... P [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-08-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
i think you rather have a point philip dear, but that's not gonna stop me from posting the cream poem i just wrote Mwahahahaha!, Elyse |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
 I liked the poem.... but, I prefer Angel Food myself! Bob <>< |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Philip ...I didn't misunderstand, I was attempting some sarcastic humor...guess it wasn't funny heh LOL ..."pawnographic" I did catch this however, cute ...now Philip, I didn't write anything pawnographic, it was a simple cake, of course I can't control the minds of the ones who read it Hi Elyse ...geez, I miss one day and you have a new poem posted lol ...I'm anxious to see the poem about cream, since Tim mentioned the younger readers in the forum, maybe you should post a rating LOL, PG or Adult just to be sure we aren't accused of corrupting the minds of minors or we just might have to drink the hemlock LOL. Hi Bob ...I would attempt a poem about "Angel Food Cake" but I figure why tempt fate, I have enough strikes against me already when it comes to judgement day LOLWould anyone care to answer the question I asked Jim about the object of the poem...[This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 07-09-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"...I didn't misunderstand, I was attempting some sarcastic humor...guess it wasn't funny heh LOL" yeah well ..in that case I misunderstood ..heh heh which is just as good .. comes to the same thing ~grin~ btw ..what was it you asked of Jim? P |
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