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Love Poem I WISH
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Love Poem I WISH |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I WISH I wish the world would stand still at the moment you are the happiest. I wish every beautiful dream you have gives itself to you. I wish you peace of mind by knowing God had everything all worked out. I wish every tear you shed falls like velvet flowers replacing the pain that caused them. I wish the roses life gives you came without thorns. I pray my love will always be there, beside you, above you, below you, in front and behind you. Surrounding you with the reassurance that I love you completely and faithfully. Without reserve For as long as we live For as long as love lives [This message has been edited by eldridgejackson (edited 06-15-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 eldridgejackson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Eldridge~ Nice sentiments in this poem, yet it reminded me of the Oscar Wilde saying, "be careful of what you wish for, you might just get it!" Having said that, I think this kind of poem works better with using rhyme. If I could make one wish, the world would stand still when you were happiest. If all my dreams could come true then I would save the most beautiful ones for you. (I think you get the idea.) Good luck! best regards, bboog |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Thanks bboog I needed that. This was my first attempt at writing something poetic. I guess it has to rhyme to be a poem don't it. I like how you changed it you are indeed a rhymer designer. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Alias eldridge jakson nice poem. Your wife must be a very lucky women. The poems you write doesn`t always have to rhyme. Most of the better ones don`t. You have to write rewrite and develope a flow. Keep writing the content and sentiment were excellent. Look forward to more. Like your gerbil dying or maybe the emotions you felt after your father-in-law died and how that effected your wife and daughter. Not to take away from boogs advice which was excellent,We are here to grow and the really honest critics are the best tools. from one ex-marine to another eat the apple- forrest |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
love lives long in memmories,desires,dreams...its eternal ,sacrificing.. sincerely A_L |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Rhyme is not necessary for poetry... Suffice it to say that you can and will find a plethora of opinions on this subject - especially here and PIP! Visit the workshop forum for help and education. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
eldridge I can`t belive you`re giving up so easy. I guess I`m going to have to sic Elyse on you. THe green grabber. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
eldridge if this is one of your first poems (or even if it isn't) there is no way you should consider "giving up" ...... first of all "welcome to CA" .. this poem has lots to recommend it but perhaps most of all the sincerity which shines through .... i actually liked the repetition of "i wish", it gave the piece almost a prayer like quality which i felt was kinda in keeping with the theme ... the opening line was particularly memorable and also : quote: anyone who can write that line shouldn't be giving up!! also it was great to see a well thought out poem .. and it might seem a small thing but ..no spelling mistakes either  kudos ... keep writing ..... and btw the workshop is fun .. if you can put up with that ruffian jim b and his partner in crime, the supposedly "not a poet", pete flicking ink pellets all over the show .......  later philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 06-09-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Forrest's brother! sorry, i hate it when people do that to me, i wont do it again. but, i must now take this opportunity to slap your wrist. shame on you, bad poet, BAD! dont ever think of stopping writing, you cant deny something that's inside you. (well, not without consequences) anyway, onward!what i think you have are some amazing sentiments which could fuel an amazing poem. as your poem is now, it might could do with a little more poetic-ness. by that i mean, you've written sentences, sweet, sincere ones, but still sentences. however, i know you can make them more poetical, the incriminating evidence as follows: I wish every beautiful dream you have gives itself to you. I wish the roses life gives you came without thorns. For as long as we live For as long as love lives especially the last two lines i liked. these first two are still sentence-y but are much more compact thoughts. i wouldnt dare presume to tell you how i would change this poem, that wouldnt really be you. (you will not find this restraint from me normally, it's been a weird day ) so, the advice i offer you for how to make a beginning, comes from my favorite poetry teacher, Camille. The trick is, "to say without saying" . make sense? to give a for instance, instead of saying "she was sad" say, "her eyes went flat and she drowned then, in her own salty flood." ok, so that was super sappy, but you get the general idea? looking forward to your next post (and dont think im above siccing Forrest on you if there isnt a next post )luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
I knew Elyse would come through. Take some time and read her poems you may have to scroll back aways. Jim and trevor also writes good stuff check it out. There are a mutitude of good poets. Feed your soul my brother. love butch |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Thank you for your kind encouragement. I will continue to write and try to get better. It is hard to follow Forrest when it comes to poetry but even a fly has his glory he just has to find the right pile of crap to land on. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
I think the eagle has landed or was that a fly. At least your safe from Elyse since you posted another poem. Why don`t we get Dolly and possible carol interested and learning. If I can do it and you fell into it so easily, why can`t they. Definitly would give them some insight. You learn as much from the other poets as from your self and for the most part the critique is excellent. She could start out posting on forum 7 or the spiritual section. Think about it. Dolly critiqued one of my poems on forum 7. love butch |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
What a wonderful poem I need to take lessons from you. I should tell everyone that you are really my mentor. [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-24-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
practice |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Nice poem. Exactly the kind of sentiments that could win you a host of brownie points.. especially if you landed in the dog house! Nice. YeshuJah*) |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
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