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The Craft
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The Craft |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
The poem on his lips was of his love And clumsy though it was did serve to prove in simple word and phrase he thought much of that poets are not difficult to move. His rhymes were uninspired, and I knew with ease I'd guess what words would close his lines but somehow his cliches spilled out as true, his humble spinning golden, rare and fine. It struck me then how long he must have spent with furrowed brow in search of perfect phrase his fingers, back aflame as double bent he roughly penned an end sure to amaze. I hear him read and cringe, then softly sigh and listen to the poem in his eyes. [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 06-26-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Hey Elyse did you meet a novice poet who was taken by your wonderful self and inspired to charm you with poetry. Poor guy but new poets are like babies. They need TLC and nurturing. Have him call me and I'll tell him all your secrets or at least give him a recipt for brownies. Odd though someone wrote me a poem yesterday. First attempt and exactly as you say it was so predictable' but then I look at the number of revisions and realized what a special gift this actually was. And in there eyes you see poetry far beyond words and worlds yet to be explored and think ah what a beautiful world, what a beautiful person and wish you had the skills to speak it and the innocence to think such things again. Nice post and I'm first again. Of course being your greatest fan how could I not be. luv forrest lu |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Elyse, Have your read anything of Joyce's Ulysses? (not that you seem to me like the morbid type that spends all there time reading about the desolation of modernity and other such matters)but anyway in that book the character Stephen expresses his theory about a universal rythme or language. A kiss, a gesture - in your poem, the look in his eyes- after all Wittgenstein says the body (eyes) are the best mirror we have of the soul (or claritas, whatever)- reveals the highest 'entelchy.' What you describe (in words) is a communication beyond and above words, the mystical entelchy of love itself as opposed to its image in discourse (poetry, painting, music). Anyway this is what i thought of when i read this poem. But i must disagree with u here, you seem to be saying that the poem in his eyes was, well, a substitute for literary brilliance. Far from it. It is above the language of words. It is the absolute against which Yeats and Joyce and Keats and da Vinci and Wagner and all the great artist have aspired to and failed, leaving glancing fire as their words, colors, sounds glance against this absolute, and um, This sounds a bit like a lecture doesn't it? I think I will stop now. oh yes, and the poem, i liked it. -Tim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Elyse, It's fun to see another sonnet posted, and a good one at that. I liked your subject matter and the uncommon way you presented it from an unusual viewpoint  Now I'm no expert, as you can quickly determine for yourself by looking at some of my posts, but I do have a few suggestions for you  I particularly liked your rhyme scheme in the first quatrain. Well, you know what I mean there, love/prove/of/move. In line 2 you have a typo, "thought" should be "though". Also, "did serve to prove" seems a little out of place, perhaps a little archaic compared with the rest of the poem. I might reword that to "it served to prove." Says the same thing in more consistent words. If I may be so presumptious, here is my suggestion. The poem on his lips was of his love And clumsy thought it was it served to prove in simple word and phrase he thought much of that poets are not difficult to move. In the second quatrain, there is a missing unstressed syllable. I know you have a comma there and it seems to read alright due to that. But perhaps some stronger punctuation would make your intent more clear. Personally, I like elipses for this purpose although some object to their use. Also, you have an imperfect rhyme in lines/fine. Although prretty acceptable as is, you could correct that, if you felt so inclined, with a simple change to line 6, such as "with ease I'd guess what word would close each line" Then I think you need some punctuation in line 8 for clarification. It looks to me like you intend "spinning" to be a gerund (noun) rather than adjective, which it appears to be in the given construction. You could make that clear with punctuation. I would suggest dashes (which I also like), "his humble spinning -- golden, rare and fine." Of course, this is dependent on my interpretation of spinning being used as a noun as stated above. Again my presumptions suggestion. His rhymes were uninspired ... and I knew with ease I'd guess what word would close each line but somehow his cliches spilled out as true, his humble spinning -- golden, rare and fine. The third quatrain has a little meter problem (my opinion) in line 12. The 4th foot simply has to be read as "SURE to" rather than "sure TO". Sometimes a trochee foot is acceptable at the beginning of a line but near the end like that it works somewhat like a speedbump. See what I mean? Sorry but I don't have a suggestion yet for that one. Also, being forced to fit the meter in line 11, you used a comma between fingers and back where you really needed a conjunction (and) to make your meaning clear. I had no trouble with this one on the second reading though, so maybe it is fine as is. Finally, most everyone seems to prefer a perfect rhyme in the closing couplet. I really like your choice of sigh/eyes rhyme but it is not quite perfect. Also, the last line seems a little forced. The concept of listening to a poem in ones eyes doesn't quite work. As good as the rest of the poem is, I believe you can perfect your couplet. Elyse, IMHO you have a beautiful sonnet here which can be perfected with a little more work. You build the emotion from the simple poet, perhaps a little inept, in the first quatrain, through simple rhymes to cliches to prophet in the second. Then you turn in the third to your own appreciation of his efforts of love. Finally realizing and attaining some personal satisfaction along with appreciation of his own limitations in the couplet. BTW, the introduction of "poem in his eyes" seems somehow more in keeping with the context now than it did before. Thanks for an excellent sonnet. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 06-26-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Elyse: I like your theme and that you gave the sonnet thing a shot (they can be difficult little buggers). "The poem on his lips was of his love And clumsy thought it was did serve to prove in simple word and phrase he thought much of that poets are not difficult to move." The first sentence (the first four lines) is a little bit difficult to follow. You may want to consider adding some punctuation and making a few minor changes to the wording. I had difficulty making sense of what you were trying to say in lines 3 & 4 and I think your trying to force a rhyme with "love" is causing most of the problems. I think "thought" should be "though". If you can smooth out a rhyme with "love" I would suggest the first two lines read: "The poem on his lips was of his love And clumsy, though it was, it served to prove ..." "His rhymes were uninspired, and I knew with ease I'd guess what words would close his lines" I think you should rethink reversing "with ease I'd guess" and allow the line to read, "I'd guess what words would close his lines with ease." You would then have to change another end rhyme but "ease" is an easy enough word to rhyme. Just an opinion. "but somehow his cliches spilled out as true, his humble spinning golden, rare and fine." I really like the first line here (a keeper). The second line seems a little choppy. I think you were a little heavy on the adjectives but, again, this is only my opinion. "It struck me then how long he must have spent with furrowed brow in search of perfect phrase his fingers, back aflame as double bent he roughly penned an end sure to amaze." I liked the first two lines very much. The second two seemed to be forced a little bit in order to make your rhyme work. "I hear him read and cringe, then softly sigh and listen to the poem in his eyes." I like your ending very much. Overall, I would suggest you work on smoothing out the lines so that the rhymes are not in control of your lines. I have often had to ditch a line I really liked in order to make its rhymed sister-line work and, if you decide to make some of the changes I suggested, you may find this to be the case. You have a great theme that would benefit much from some fine tuning. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Elyse Your poem made me think of a person who realizes they are in love, searching for the right words, the right time to say them. Not knowing if the one they love feels the same in return. I liked it...most of us stumble through life in a clumsy fashion, not unlike the infant that takes their first step. Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unkn |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thankyou all for reading so closely and giving me such great feedback. i really appreciate it  forrest - im glad you get what im saying, but i keep telling you, that brownie recipe is reserved for biggest fans ONLY. sorry hon, but you'll just have to deal. Tim - yes, i seem to recall reading it (required for class ya know) but i cant very well remember it. oh no, wait, that was tennyson. or was it? nevermind. anyway, i do hear what you're sayin, in fact, it was what i meant, but i would be happy to hear the lecture just the same. im always willing to be taught Pete - dont sell yourself short, you are, as far as lil ole me can tell, the resident sonnet expert. you noticed alot of things i missed (like meter and rhyme stuff) and of course make a good point about "did serve to prove" although, im having a hard time letting it go im in the process of tweaking per your suggestions.Jim - punctuation is on the way to rescue the first quatrain but, ill have you know (imagine tone of great mock indignance) that "of" and "love" are a perfectly acceptable rhyme, it says so in the rhyming dictionary. you're right, that "guessing" line gave me fits, but what rhyme with ease? sneeze, tease? just jokin wicha. thanx for the great reply.mysticharm - im thrilled you liked the poem and much appreciate the feedback luv you all, Elyse |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi there elyse-- sorry i'm getting to this kind of late. i think this is a lovely sonnet! i don't have much to add to what's already been said, especially after jim and pete have been through, lol. in line 6, though, i think you could remove some of the awkwardness and still keep your end-rhyme if you did it like this: I'd guess with ease what words would close his lines. i think that might be closer to what you're trying to say there, anyway? not that the lines would close with ease (that's how i read jim's suggestion there), but that the speaker would easily guess what the rhymes would be. just a suggestion. thanks for a good read! jenni oh, and p.s.: i forgot to say that i think lines/fine is still a good rhyme, even with the plural "lines," i know i've seen that elsewhere. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-26-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thats so weird jenni, cuz that was just what i had decided to do! but then it makes sense that the two most intellegent women at this forum would think the sameluv Elyse |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Elyse Mixing up Joyce with ho te rum a riddly rum Lawn Teddyson (i mean Lord Tennyson!) is actually pretty funny and ironic, 'cause Joyce was actually beaten up for saying Byron was the best poet and Tennyson was just a rhymster. Anyway, the theory is definitely Joyce's, its got the jesuit-Aquinas feel to it, deffinetely not Tennysons. Also, when i saw the title 'The Craft' i immediately thought of the TV show, i was expecting spells and potions and funky witches! Of course the title made perfect sense when i read the poem. -Tim |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Very nice poem. Sounds like a perfect slice of life I can relate to his attempt to do something out of his league. Because I have been doing just that with this forum. EldridgeJackson |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ok guys, new and revised version. comments? The poem on his lips was of his love, And clumsy though it was, did serve to prove in simple word and phrase he thought much of that poets are not difficult to move. His rhymes were uninspired, and I knew I'd guess with ease what word would close his line, but somehow his cliches spilled out as true, his humble spinnings golden, rare, and fine. It sruck me then how long he must have spent with furrowed brow in search of perfect phrase his fingers, back aflame as double bent he roughly pens and end which will amaze. I hear him read and cringe, then softly sigh - His eyes sing sonnets written words belie. [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 06-27-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Elyse: I think the new version certainly reads easier than the original. I must say, however, that I liked your original rhyming couplet much better (sigh/eyes) even if it was a near rhyme. I'll take a closer look later (past my bedtime, you know). Jim P.S. Is Forrest always such a shameless flirt? I've been out of the loop for a while. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Your revision does read easier and I rather like your new last line. Nice work. Pete |
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