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Ted Reynolds
Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 331

0 posted 2000-06-22 01:24 PM

                             Carol: Christmas, 1999
                                 by Ted Reynolds

               Her hands move through the thicket with care
               Weeding and pruning the prickly hedges,
               Restoring, against entropy, semblance of order.
               She offers a running commentary.

               One blossom is snipped because it doesn't measure up,
               One to be displayed where its perfection can show.
               One is taken that its neighbor may better bloom.

               She warns me to use gloves when sorting out this tangle.
               Not relishing being carved by thorns, I do protect my hands.

               Before the year ends, she too is snipped.

               I never learned to wear gloves on my heart.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2000-06-22 01:46 PM

What a turn at the end. "Gloves on my heart", what a concept. I really don't have any idea how to critique this one except to say I really enjoyed it. So, I think its best to leave that to others more qualified. You really said a lot here, my friend, and in a very few words. Thanks for the read and sorry I couldn't contribute constructively. Maybe next time.

Ptet

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 2000-06-22 04:19 PM

I like this a lot. Voted!

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

3 posted 2000-06-23 04:49 AM

yay ted! lovely poem

liked it much. just one teeny comment, in the line where you use entropy - i like the use of that word, but i think maybe your rhythm is a little awkward as is. try the entropy phrase first, then restoring etc. basically it would look like this:

against entropy restoring a semblance of order.

now, you might want a more active verb preceeding entropy if you did it this way. just a suggestion after all. ( i voted for you btw)
luv Elyse

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

4 posted 2000-06-24 07:30 PM

Hi Ted,

not sure about the critique but as a reader, you have succeeded very well...if you will excuse me, i was getting bored in the beginning and was wondering "Why write about pruning hedges when there are so many things to write about in Christmas?"

Then i read to the end and I was like WOW!the last two lines were powerful and moving and since they were unexpected, they brought double impact to this reader...WELL DONE!

this definitely deserves to be in the book...i only hope more people get to read this

BTW, i have been meaning to write one Long Haiku for you too...now that you are back, pls cross over to the Corner Pub to read my dedication

Forrest Cain
Member

since 2000-04-21

Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

5 posted 2000-06-24 09:28 PM

Well written Ted so how about a follow up on what went wrong. Gardeners are usually pretty down to earth. Nice write.

forrest

Tim Gouldthorp
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 170

6 posted 2000-06-25 04:28 AM

Ted,

I liked this poem too. Short, enigmatic, with a twist at the end. I liked the slightly humerous idea of a garderners pruning as a shoring against chaos, and shift of perspective to the omnipotent gardener that snips the lady. Im not sure if this is what you meant but i liked it anyway
Nice work!
-tim

Ted Reynolds
Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 331

7 posted 2000-06-28 07:58 AM

Pete -- Such praise from one who doesn't automatically praise IS highly constructive.  Thanks.

Elyse -- I will accept your suggestion, along with a comma --
              "against entropy, restoring a semblance of order."
  Thanks.

Kaile -- Read and liked your Long Haiku in Corner Pub.  Responded there with a few silly ones which I hope make you smile.

Forrest -- What went wrong was cancer.  Even gardeners aren't immune.

Tim -- That's exactly what I meant.

Thanks for your kind words, everyone.

naynay
Junior Member

since 2000-06-27

Posts 13
whitewright tx usa

8 posted 2000-06-28 08:16 AM

i did like it very much keep up the good work

eldridgejackson
Member

since 2000-04-30

Posts 91

9 posted 2000-06-28 09:06 AM

I enjoyed your poem it was touching. I lost my father in law recently and I wish we all had gloves for our hearts.

Well done I like the change Elsye suggested also.
eldridgejackson aka JCain

I could almost sing it except entropy is had to sing with emotion.LOL

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