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Crying Out
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Crying Out |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA 
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I am crying out, I tried talking with you, but that does not make any sense to you I am not the best, I will never be the best, at least not in your eyes why do you demand so much from me? Why do you see me as your enemy? Why can you not accept me for who I am, not for who I should be Why do you hate me? Why do I always seem to feel afraid of you? Living with you this last few years seems like a test I feel like I am being tested by you, on what I say, how I act, how I react, even how I view other things All I have in this world is you You are my mother and my father I know that u are not to blame for everything so you blame me? Why did you destroy my hopes, my dreams when I was a child? It feels like living in hell sometimes, Sometimes I just want to run away, far away where your remarks cannot harm me I am crying out for attention, for love and for affection Please reach out to me with your love and your warmth not your hatred and your cold voice You seem to nag on forever You never listen to me without raising your voice You keep repeating the past In your eyes, all you see me as a failure You never see what I have accomplish I once heard that parents are suppose to be your heroes well you were my hero but that has changed throughout the years I am crying out, please hear me, I have not enough strength left I am your son, and you are my mother You raised me well but now all that seems lost lost in the past which will never be repeated I want to start our relationship fresh, a loving mother I can count Moreover, a loving son you can count on My voice seems to be dimming as I come to the end of this poem I am crying out for you mother. Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create). |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ronil B Tataria - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not exactly sure if you posted this in the right forum. Are you sure you want criticism for this? Can you drop me a line and let me know because I think this might get a better reception in Open Poetry or some other forum. Thanks, Brad |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
Brad, yes I want some criticism for this poem. Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create). |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
I asked your opinion, but no one replied. Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create). |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
xeonox- i know how you feel. i have been through the same thing with my mother. i think what brad is afraid of is that this may be too personal a poem to critique without hurting your feelings. writing a poem about someone you feel strongly about is like trying to write a poem drunk; you become inundated with feelings and it makes the poem very hard for the reader to understand. it is possible however to achieve catharsis and write a beautiful. first, you need to include your audience. think of the fact that they don't really know your mother. they need to be shown that she is what you say. which beings me to number 2: i believe it was jim who said "prose shows, poetry tells." what you are doing in this piece is telling us what you think of your mother. why not show us? paint a picture of her with your feelings. tell a story about her that shows us her character, and do so poetically. finally, don't take every idea that pops into your head. say one thing about mom, then save the rest for another poem. or several others. otherwise, we as readers can not think about what you've said, because you've said too much. anyways, i think that you could do great things with this piece. good luck |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Xeonox: I think Roxanne's critique pretty much summarizes my own initial reactions. The "poetry show, prose tells" is an okay (but much oversimplified) rule of thumb. Poetry can "tell" (narrative poetry, for example). Your poem "tells" the story but it leaves out details that would help the reader to relate to or be moved by your situation. What does she demand of you? What doesn't she accept? How do you know she hates you? These are just a few questions left unanswered with the reader. Many good poems begin with strong feelings. You just have to learn how to reel those feelings in ... be creative and be descriptive. Also, if you reply to some other poems in Critical Analysis, it is more likely people will take the time to reply to yours. Generally, we ask that you reply to two poems for every poem you post but you are certainly welcome (and encouraged) to reply to more. Jim |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
This reminded me so much of how my relationship with my Mother used to be, before I left home. Is it personal experience that you are showing us? Or is it merely an idea? |
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