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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Comin' Home |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
Comin' home night all dressed up in weary 'Fraid this day won't come off with my shirt Seein' you and the couch yawnin' open and tired Gonna drop in my grave for the night Head to lay down on breast flowin' pillow Sunless skin be my tight satin sheets Feelin' legs make a cover wrappin' lazy and loose Kiss the shades on my eyes to the dark Got some pressure brought home like a sentence Need to break out from back of these walls Gettin' pleasure from hands pressin' hard to the pain 'Cross the blades used to cut out my wage Tastin' toil from the whip to your shoulders Brew of sweat 'top a tired perfume Drinkin' day to a night from a hard to a soft Comin' home like a lost to a found Dan [This message has been edited by db (edited 06-22-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Dan, Sorry, but I just don't see where you're going here. Seems like randoms lines with a strong stress at the beginning. If you're trying to mimic drunkeness you might consider a more comic effect. If you're shooting for a dialect, I don't think satin sheets and a few other lines kind of spoil the effect. What does 'Coming home like a lost to a found' mean? Just an opinion, Brad |
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LarBear Member
since 2000-06-23
Posts 138Kingston, New York |
I will have to agree. Your poem lost me, and was more a story with a sigh of poetic guestures. Im not really sure where your intent of the meaning was at. |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
Brad and LarBear, i guess i can be attached to my poetry more than i should be but i find it diffucult to believe that this sounds like random thoughts. LarBear at least thinks there's a story here (like that's a bad thing) but apparently can't come up with it. let me try to tell the story without so many 'poetic gestures' and maybe you'll be able to see where i'm going here and the intent. stanza one: a guy has a rough day and its not going to go away just because he gets undressed and lays on the couch with his 'wife'. stanza two: the next step, seems to me like a description of him lying on top of her. stanza three: the pressures of the day have built up and he's 'brought them home'. she begins to massage his back. stanza four: as he kisses her shoulders he tastes her sweat and the perfume she put on early in the morning. but it really doesn't matter to him, in fact its rather soothing. you might be able to see in here a reference to making love. going from the hard day to the soft night. Of the three "to a" in that last stanza Brad seemed to have stumbled over the most obvious one (the last of the three) and didn't have trouble with the first two, which to me seem more cryptic. (unless you just decided not to question them.) coming home from a lost to a found. maybe use a little imagination here. the guy had a rough day and can feel lost out there, but finds satisfaction and fulfilment when he is 'found' at home again with his love. no, there is no intention to mimick drunkenness. and regarding shooting for a dialect, would you say that people who have or use a dialect wouldn't use 'big words' like satin sheets. just because you have a dialect doesn't mean you can't have a decent vocabulary. hopefully this helps put the poem in perspective and what i attempted to do. thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Regards Dan |
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