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Critical Analysis #1
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MelissaNicoleaka mosa
New Member
since 2000-06-15
Posts 5


0 posted 2000-06-16 02:27 PM


a new found friend,
a loving embrace,
of one on whom i depend,
when i fall on my face.

trusting eyes,
listening ears,
a heart that is wise,
beyond its years.

a shoulder to cry on,
when times are rough,
and all hope is gone,
when i've had enough.

you've been great to me,
when i haven't to you,
you let me see,
what i could really do.

i finsih this peom,
in hopes we never will,
finish this thing,
we've built on a hill.

a hill that is strong,
and has always been there,
a hill called friendship,
friendship full of care.


© Copyright 2000 MelissaNicoleaka mosa - All Rights Reserved
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
1 posted 2000-06-21 09:42 AM


I like your sentiments. There are some misspelled words here but nothing I couldn't get over..spelling is a big thing with me.
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2000-06-22 11:06 AM


Hi Melissa,

Looks like you're pretty new here so let me add my "welcome to the CA."

Now, I have to agree with PdV about the spelling. Use your spell checker to try to avoid those whenever possible. I know it may sound petty but it is important. By posting here, you are asking others to spend their time looking at your work, which we are always happy to do. It only seems fair that you spend the time to remove all mechanical mistakes you possibly can. OK, sermon is over.

Now for a brief analysis. The short lines seem somehow to trivialize the poem and it is obviously not a trivial subject. That's not quite right either but short rhyming lines tend to be associated with lighter subject matter than you have here.

Also, in the next to last stanza,
   "i finsih this peom,
   in hopes we never will,
   finish this thing,
   we've built on a hill."
the last line seems a little forced, possibly to make the rhyme work. I know that you have continued the concept of the hill in the final stanza but that line still seems forced, almost to the point of making the whole final stanza seem like an afterthought just to make the one line fit. Of course, this is just one opinion but I would try some alternative wording. I think you can keep the last stanza if you can find a better lead in.

As I said these are just my opinion and everyone has his own opinion. I would definately wait for some others before going too far with revisions.

BTW, did I say I enjoyed reading this very much and hope to see a lot more from you?

Pete



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-06-23 05:28 AM


I agree with Pete about the short lines but I wonder if you're starting from the wrong place here. Describe the real person you're talking about, not about the way he makes you  feel -- 'trusting eyes' for example is just a projection of your feelings.

Maybe show some of the 'not so great qualities as well'.  If this person doesn't have any, he's not human.

Really, think about expanding this piece further, get into the meat more if you will.

Just an opinion,
Brad

MelissaNicoleaka mosa
New Member
since 2000-06-15
Posts 5

4 posted 2000-06-23 10:41 AM


Thanks for the comments. I apologize for the grammer mistakes, I'll try to do better next time.  I'll take what you've said into consideration, and try to work on it.  I'll have to get with My Friend though, because he wrote part of it, so it might  take awhile, but when i do revise it some more, i'll post it again for some more comments okay? thanks and God bless
       Melissa Nicole

LarBear
Member
since 2000-06-23
Posts 138
Kingston, New York
5 posted 2000-06-23 01:18 PM


Very Nice Poem. I alway enjoy poems about friends.

Keep up the good work


LarBear
Kingston, NY
Native of Texas

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