And You Came Into My Life (#500)

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Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2000-06-22 11:11 AM

Look, it's number 500

Do I win a cookie or something? Or does it just mean I'm now an oldtimer?

And You Came Into My Life

My days were blessed with happiness before,
And then, my sweet, into my life you came;
Your presence there has given so much more,
For knowing you I'll never be the same.
Each time I hear your voice or see your face
My heart just skips a beat and makes me smile,
And when you touch my arm, or we embrace,
Well, time then seems to pause for just a while.
Your dearest friendship means so much to me,
Regardless of our future this is true,
And if we choose and chance to lovers be,
Then life in all its glory starts anew,
But still I'll always have my mem'ries of
Sweet moments when we kissed to share our love.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-06-22 11:37 AM

Congratulations, Pete!!!

Passions gives you Senior Membership, with none of it's extra priveleges, but I'll give you a big {{{{{hug}}}}} ~smile~

Seems you've penned a perfectly metered sonnet here, delightful and full of spirit.
Of course, it also reflects that sweet Pete personality that I am so glad to know. You can really cheer a person up when they're having a bad day with your upbeat attitude.

Nice work, Pete,
Kris

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

2 posted 2000-06-22 01:12 PM

hey pete--

a very nice, tender sonnet you have here. like kris, i always smile when i see a new "not a poet" sonnet on the board, lol.

some suggestions, though?

i thought the first line was a little troublesome.  i know you're relying on the "promotion" rule (that the middle of three otherwise unstressed syllables will be considered to be stressed) to preserve your meter.  technically speaking, yes, the first line is iambic pentameter, thanks to that rule.  i have never been a big fan of the rule, however, and i think it's maybe not so hot to employ it in a sonnet's opening line.  it's a stylistic thing, of course, a matter of opinion, really; it certainly isn't "wrong."  and i guess if you HAD to write a line of not-quite-so-perfect iambic pentameter and rely on the promotion rule to preserve the meter, your first line may be a good place for it, with the full-blown, no-doubt-about-it iambic pentameter coming with the arrival of the speaker's "sweet" (and greater happiness) in the second line.  still, in my opinion, the promotion rule creates a line not quite "blessed with happiness," lol.

i thought line 8 was very nice, with the little pause at the comma after "well," mimicking the content of that line.  that got me thinking you might try a similar trick in line 6, and "skip" a beat in the meter (surely this is one of jim bouder's "acceptable variations," lol) like this:

My heart skips a beat and makes me smile.
[my HEART SKIPS a BEAT and MAKES me SMILE.]

oh, fun with sonnets, lol.

i read the last line, "Sweet moments when we kissed to share our love," as having a slight stress on the first word "sweet."  i think you'd have a more natural-sounding line of iambic pentameter there if you substituted "those" for "sweet."  (i wouldn't worry about losing the word "sweet" there, lol, the poem is plenty sweet as it is, lol, the reader gets the idea.  a little understatement wouldn't hurt, lol.  and yes, you'd lose the repetition of "sweet" from line 2, but i don't see that as a big thing anyway; just my opinion, of course.)  i guess i just think the piece would be more effective if it ended with a line that unambiguously fit the meter.

one more thing, i might put a period instead of a comma at the end of line 12.

nice job, as usual, pete!  thanks for sharing this with us.

jenni

Ted Reynolds
Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 331

3 posted 2000-06-22 02:08 PM

I also find this "sweet" and well-crafted. I guess, without having heard of it, I'm an advocate of the "promotion rule," because, reading the sonnet, I am not bothered in the slightest by any of Jenni's considerations. On the other hand, I think the reader will read "memories" correctly even without the apostrophe, and the phrasing of the line "And if we choose and chance to lovers be," confused me a bit. That's all, it's another one to add to your growing list of superior sonnets.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2000-06-22 07:16 PM

Well Pete, as you can see, you've gained Senior Member status, which comes with or without gray hair, considering on the day and your mood.

This is a nice piece, I look forward to reading more of your work!

I have to agree with some of the others...I am, myself, learning more and more as I go on, and I also find myself trying new styles [hence, I've become my own best/worst critic] but since much as already been said, I will let it lie at that.

See you down the road.

Sunshine

~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
Helen Keller ~~~

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

5 posted 2000-06-22 08:55 PM

Pete:

Maybe it is just Brad's voyeurism rubbing off on me but I am finding myself wanting to know more about this mysterious love of yours.

I think Jenni is onto something concerning your first line (she sure is a legalist, don't you think? ... always citing rules ... lol).  I don't think the technical meter is the problem in this line.

"my DAYS / were BLESSED / with HAP- / -pi -(ness) / be FORE,"

Jenni is right ... "-ness" is can rightly be counted as a stressed syllable in this line.  I think the problem, however, is that the sound (three unstressed syllables) at the end of the line doesn't carry with it the happiness and blessedness of the subject.  If you get you hands on a copy of Alexander Pope's poem, "The Craft of Verse" and pay attention to how meter and sound influence the mood or tone of a poem, I think you will see what I am trying to get at.  This is all just an opinion, you know.

I enjoy your sonnets, Pete. The sincerity of your feelings comes across very well and, as usual, your structure is unwavering. Thanks.

Jim

P.S. #500, btw, just means you spend too much time in front of you computer.

Congrats ... glad to have you as an old-timer companion.

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 06-22-2000).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2000-06-23 04:55 AM

I am less enchanted than others with this piece. So what right.

I will say, at times, Pete, you can do this traditional love poem bit better than anyone. I really liked the last one I read of yours. But this one seems strained and, like Jim, really wanted more of a picture than I got from this one here.

I also thought the rhymes were fairly predictable -- moreso than in the last piece at any rate.

I had a professor at UCLA one time who told me this:

You know what the problem with love poems are? You write one. You put your sweat and blood into one and give it to the woman.

You know what she says?

Great! Thanks. Write another one.

Write another one, Pete.

Brad

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

7 posted 2000-06-23 05:50 AM

hi pete! you are quite the little sonnetteer

sonnets make you smile, especially love sonnets, i think its the harkening back to olde times that does it.
that said, i have to say my favorite lines in this read more conversational and honest. the "well, ..." line and the few after that and i thought "choose and chance" sounded really nice that way and liked it lots. to give a suggestion, mem'ries looks so funky i had to stop a sec before i realized what it was. it might work better as just "memory" or even "mem'ry" if you must. looks more like the word you mean. just an opinion

luv Elyse

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

8 posted 2000-06-23 10:38 AM

Wow, so many nice comments to answer

Kris,

Thanks so much for the hug. That was the best I felt all day

And, of course, thanks for the compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed.

Jenni,

I don't know how you find the time to give such great critiques. I would take me hours to do that. I hope it didn't take you so long. As always, your advice and suggestions well thought out and well received.

I'm not familiar with the promotion rule, as such and I admit that line always seemed a little less than ideal but I haven't been able to perfect it without a rewrite, which it didn't seem to deserve (I assume you refer to happiness).

As for your suggestion on line 6,
"My heart skips a beat and makes me smile."
it's an interesting idea but i fear our purists here would have an absolute field day with a missing syllable

so I guess I'm afraid to try that.

On your last suggestion to substitute those for sweet in the last line, I absolutely agree. Not only does it fit the meter better but it also tones done the poem a little, understatement, I believe you said. Speaking of which, this is a fairly old poem and has been revised almost beyond recognition using the new knowledge I have gained here at CA, much of it from you, of course. It is already about 95% understated from what it was originally

but I won't bore you with the details. I'm sure we are thinking along the same lines here.

So thanks again for all your help, not only with this one but so many in the past.

Ted,

Thanks for the support here. And I think you're right about mem'ries. I agree that I at least would read it as 2 syllables and probably most would. I think I did it that way again for the purists who might object to what could be an extra syllable. Perhaps I should give more credit to the readers and let them suppress that little extra

Thanks for the suggestion.

Sunshine,

Thanks for the response and the compliment. BTW, I had the gray hair long before posting #500

Jim,

It's good to hear your cheerful voice again, I've missed you around here. Funny, I never thought of Brad as a voyeur until you mentioned it. But thinking back on some of his recent poems, I believe you are right

Now, as I hear more about that first line, I begin to rethink it. I'm sure alternative wording can be found and I may look into that.

Brad,

So what? you ask. So, your opinion is always welcomed and your advice sought. That's what. Hey, we can't all like everything, besides, you didn't say it was bad.

I'm not sure what you see as strained, unless maybe it's line 12. But anyway, you should have seen the original version. It would have curled your hair. On second thought, it's probably good that none of you did see it

I loved your professor story (write another one) they must think these things come easy.

But, I think I'm about through writing these. Well, I do have at least one more in the works. I think you will like it although I confess I got a little help from an expert. Should have it posted in a few days.

Elyse,

Thank you but you are always too generous. I have always admitted to being a sonnet junkie. I think one of the reasons I love PIP is because sonnets are accepted here. Most of the other places I have visited have not been so liberal.

I also like the "choose and chance" line. It was lifted from a previous poem (which I won't share here due to the quality) where it was worded "care and dare".

I have already discussed mem'ries above. Suffice it to say, you are right and I think I will correct it as you and Ted suggested.

Thanks to all of you for your help.

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

9 posted 2000-06-23 02:06 PM

Pete,

I have a quick suggestion for line 6, if you do want to change it, and also keep the meter and all the syllables.

It could read, "My heart, it skips a beat and makes me smile". Think it would work?

Kris

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

10 posted 2000-06-23 04:45 PM

Thanks Kris,

I really do like your suggestion for line 6. As I reread over and over, "just" seems a little forced, or out of place at least, whereas "it" fits much better. Not only that but it allows the insertion of the comma which then reinforces the pause Jenni pointed out in its sibling, line 8.

Thank you, ladies, very much. That's why I really love this place

It is amazing what one can learn here with just a little effort.

Thanks again,
Pete

P.S. BTW Brad, I knew this wasn't my best but it's so much better than it's original I thought I would share and get a few suggestions.

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 06-23-2000).]

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