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The Deer Hunter's Elegy..this one's open for the egg beater..
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Deer Hunter's Elegy..this one's open for the egg beater.. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada 
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After a rain, after a branch soaked journey, I sit near a clear cut watching silt filled water run lazily off the open yard. I stare at the torn floor, my thinking fractured by the damage and I imagine a small deer watching from the trees in the distance a lonely spikehorn safely from me. The ground is overchurned brown mixed with green, trampled remains, beyond all repair. Wind scrapes the earth with a shrill voice, tempest over the desolate barren waste and I pull out my clip held bullets. Inside, my heart stopped the hunt. I think, trying to get it straight, that once there was shelter here to house and feed kindred souls, gypsy hearts, while heaven's cool rains would fully quench all yearning thirsts and tenants felt the moisture washing their blood. I see clear pictures of life, of creatures in a sacred refuge. With my wet lids closed I see the deer roving through this haven, fresh leaves still on his back, left over from his grazing on the foilage long gone in waves of geared destruction. But I sit here still alive, no escape from the eyesore. I try to imagine his fear of the roar and fumes, his instincts so restrained, running away from ravished acres as his space shrinks, and his home, is lost. But the truth remains unchanged. The truth hides only as long as it takes to hurt and the deer runs only as long as the forest still stands, until his churning stomach and craving hunger, drive him out, into a final solution behind fences so ghastly unreal. Nowhere left to run: all are forced from their shelter and with this vision across this bare moonscape and with this windswept air lashing emptiness before me, the truth can't be denied. Celtrue2000@E3B1G9 |
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| © Copyright 2000 Eric Lewis True - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I read this with much interest, and have only affirmed the very reason WHY I have "no hunting" signs posted all over my pastures, so that the deer will indeed have a haven home, a pasture unturned, a thicket in which to raise its young. So for now, the Whitetail live on, and may run. Sunshine ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi ethome-- i thought your first stanza was pretty good, with the exception of "i look at the torn floor;" i don't know, i guess i wonder why you don't just say "ground" instead of floor. i thought "lonely spikehorn" was a really cool phrase, although the following line "safely from me" was kind of awkward; you might consider simply saying "and i imagine a small deer / watching safely from the distant trees; / a lonely spikehorn." something like that, anyway, lol. in the second stanza, you start to go over the top a bit, especially in the last three lines. i think understatement might be more effective for you here. the third stanza was great. i really liked the "fresh leaves still on his back;" a nice, vivid image. the fourth stanza was pretty good, except that i'm not sure you really want to say the deer's instincts were "restrained." how can a creature running through "ravished acres" in "fear of roar and fumes" be said to be "restrained"? the "final solution" and "fences so ghastly unreal" really bothered me in the final stanza, i thought this was WAY too much. and the "truth" of the deer having "nowhere left to run" is somewhat ridiculous, actually, given the epidemic of deer in many of our suburbs. the "truth" is, deer have adapted quite nicely to human encroachment on their forests and the elimination of many of their natural predators, and they seem just as content munching on the grass and rhododendrons of our well-tended yards and golf courses at night as in the forests destroyed to create those subdivisions and recreational areas. i think this would be a much more effective piece with a different animal as its focus: wolf, fox, grizzly bear, bobcat, lynx, mountain lion, beaver, take your pick; there are -- sadly -- all too many to choose from. with a focus on a truly endangered animal and little more restraint in some of the emotionally-charged language, i think you'd have quite a nice poem here. thanks for the read, jenni |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This starts off strong -- I found myself hoping for more. In the end, though, I think it falls into the trap of 'nice' poetry. I think it was Richard Howard who said that a poem which takes a sort of mainstream attitude: save the environnment, killing is bad, love is good, it's fun to have sex are fine but not very interesting. This isn't to say that poets don't believe in these things. Of course they do. But strong poems aren't made from these, they are made from insights and observations that show the tension of life -- they show us something, or bring into the light, things that aren't the usual fare. This can be showing the common in an unfamiliar way or showing the unfamiliar in a common way. That's the hard part.  I coined a new word the other day that I'm going to start using more often: you've got to complexify the theme a bit more to make it interesting. What about bringing the hunter part out more clearly, showing the lust for the kill, a sort of power play between two forces that want to kill the deer? I think this might get away from the sentimentality of losing the deer. At times the scene reads like a forest fire: this bare moonscape The ground is overchurned brown mixed with green, trampled remains, beyond all repair. Wind scrapes the earth with a shrill voice, tempest over the desolate barren waste At times, it seems ambiguous: I try to imagine his fear of the roar and fumes, there was shelter here to house and feed kindred souls, gypsy hearts, while heaven's cool rains At times, manmade: After a rain, after a branch soaked journey, I sit near a clear cut watching silt filled long gone in waves of geared destruction. Now, none of this is mutually exclusive but I would stay away from some of the hyperbole you use with these images -- it kind of threw me off. One more thing: I didn't really like the use of 'rain' twice. With all that said, you do have some strong images here. Brad |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I forgot to add: I would really think about dropping all that truth stuff in the last stanza (especially that 'the truth can't be denied). I don't think they add anything to the poem as a whole. Still, just an opinion, Brad |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I would like to start by thanking Sunshine for her kind words because she is such a sweetheart and it's her anniversary. Next I would like to reply to Jenni. I am beginning to understand that there could be much to learn from you, you are very talented. I sincerly hope you read these replies to your comments. In answer to your comment on using the word floor. It is a very common to hear the expression "on the floor of the forest." As far as "safely from me" goes that's the way it tailed off in the train of thought as I wrote the line. You are probably right maybe I can rewrite the lines to make it move smoother. I'll have to think about that. In the second stanza you say I have gone over the top a bit and that you think understatement might be more effective for me here. I don't know how to respond to that. I am such an emotional writer and I can't seem to get away from that. Your comment coincides with Brad's that "strong poems show us something, or bring into the light, things that are'nt the usual fare." You know, I find that hard to disagree with, but I want to disagree with it,I want to write in the style I use, because it consumes me. Jenni your critique on the forth stanza was "I'm not sure you really want to say "the deer's instincts were restrained" how can a creature running through "ravished acres" in "fear of roar and fumes" be said to be "restrained." Well, all I can say is, his instincts were restrained not his ability to experience fear of the unknown. I guess I was referring to his natural instincts, a natural aptitude, his inheirited and unalterable tendencies. As for the final stanza I would like to address your comments this way. I understand your reaction to a certain degree, but you say, "the deer have adapted quite nicely to HUMAN ENCROACHMENT on their forests and the ELIMINATION of many of their NATURAL predators, and they SEEM just as content munching on the grass and rhododendrons of our well tended yards and golf courses at night as in the forests DESTROYED to create those subdivisions and recreational areas." I have to say I don't agree with you here, I say that puts them that much closer to being put behind fences so ghastly unreal. Do you realize how many of your fellow human beings are being killed annually by deer forced out of their natural habitat. They are a menace to our highways. I know that a free enterprise society is built on growth and in order to have growth we have to build, cut down wooded areas to expand. However, we do not have to DEVASTATE the area we develop. We need more sanctuaries and the preservation of the cycles of nature need to be maintained. The final point and you are absolutely right! I should have considered another species, one that's really endangered but once again, I write from the heart and that's how it affected me that day. I have been influenced by music all my life but it's never been a job for me it's been an inspiration. I think it was either Ira or George Gershwin that said, " a song is something that just comes down from heaven." After observing your intellective capacity at evaluating the work of others I find myself wondering if I just have a lazy mind, or is it a fact that I am not a poet but a songwriter. I'll say one thing Jenni you have a fine mind and are in touch with the reality of this art. I hope you realize that I am trying to be as honest as I can be, I'm not rying to be self serving in any way at all. And Brad I don't have too much to say about your comments as they coincide with Jenni's. I am realizing that I am not a poet and maybe I just don't want to be, but, I will continue to write from the heart forever because I am addicted! Thank you all for your comments |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Don't forget that we are only offering opinions -- opinions you can choose to ignore or use at your discretion. The only opinion that really matters with your own writing is, of course, yourself. Unless your in a creative writing class. Unless you want to make money. One of the things I haven't stressed enough and one of the reasons I think the critical approach to poetry is valuable is that this is just one poem in the process of writing poetry -- two years from now, I'll doubt you'll remember what Jenni or I have said here or what we have said we'll have a very different meaning to you. I really don't think in terms of one poem at a time but in terms of the process of writing. Each of my poems is an experiment, a step in the direction of the next one and the critical approach is just a way to get different ideas on and in writing. In other words, don't forget that both Jenni and I are actually saying that we want to see your next one. Brad |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Thank-you Brad.I appreciate your input. I don't know if I am willing to try to develop into an amateur poet or not. I do know this, you are right about the process of writing. I feel that I am a much better songwriter now than when I started thirty years ago. I realize the importance of criticsm and I have learned more here in a few posts than I have in years. I also realize that you are offering, your opinion, in all honesty. I have been to a lot of other poetry forums and realize that they are very upbuilding and full of poets with a zest for expression but do not necessarily get down to the nitty gritty process of developing the craft. Not for a moment am I taking anything away from talent of these poets, I have met some extremely friendly and intelligent people there. Thanks once again for your excellent comments. |
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