My Third Poem - Critcism Wanted

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Anthony Woody
New Member

since 2000-04-26

Posts 3

0 posted 2000-06-21 01:02 AM

This is my third poem ever. I really only count it as my second, because I wrote my first when I was about 17, roughly 10 years ago. Anyway, I just wanted to get some feedback. I think maybe it's a bit short. Thanks in advance.

I'll be there in your darkest of times
to kiss the teardrops from your eyes

I'll make you smile and laugh aloud
and shout I love you in front of a crowd

I'll give you a warm soft kiss good night
and when you wake up, I'll be by your side

I can give you all of this and more.
Just ask, and all of this is yours...

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

1 posted 2000-06-21 06:42 AM

hi anthony! welcome, and dont stop writing! my suggestions to you are this: the sentiments are sweet, but the trick to this kind of poem is to say the same things in a new and interesting (and hopefully beautiful) way. to get there, go into more detail, and try to say things without saying them explicitly "to say without saying" as once i was taught. dip into metaphors, and try to give things a context, and stay away from the word "oh" or invoke the wrath of brad

luv Elyse

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2000-06-26 01:18 PM

Welcome Anthony. My suggestion is that you start by reading some rhyming poetry (Edgar Allan Poe is a favorite of mine) and also that you read the poem aloud to try to hear the rhythm of the lines. In rhyming poetry the rhythm (or meter) is very important. If your rhythm misses a beat the line may sound forced (Line 4 is a good example of what happens when you do this).

Be specific, be creative, don't be afraid to experiment (if its good you've learned something, if its bad you know not to do it again

), and, most importantly, continue to read and write poetry and try to comment on a few poems in this forum (it is a great way to learn).

Again, Welcome.

Jim

LarBear
Member

since 2000-06-23

Posts 138
Kingston, New York

3 posted 2000-06-26 01:25 PM

Anthony,

Well, I am not much a critic, but rather a reader of poetry. I think your poem is good, rather short, but too the point.

I think no matter the better a poem can be, the true poem, like this one, is alittle capture of ones true inner feelings. Be receptive of the critics and work on future poems with those comments.

LarBear

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2000-06-26 11:21 PM

Yeah, Jim's right. You should probably have to suffer through Poe's Hells Bells poetry but once you're done with that move, into the really good rhyming poetry of Frost and Yeats and then how about the whacky rhymes of Eliot?

Don't suppose you might fill in the story a little bit? In the poem, I mean.

Brad

Tim Gouldthorp
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 170

5 posted 2000-06-27 12:19 PM

Hi Anthony,

I think a lot of poems are too long, I actually really like short poems like you have here. As Jim said, look at the rhythm (created by rise and fall of the sound of the words, eg do-COUNT, do-COUNT, etc. You also need to look at the number of syllables in the line. eg your 4th line has 10 syllables wheras line 3 has 8. Something like "and shout I love you in a crowd" i think would sound better, althoughof course the substance is wrong, you want to say shout in front of a crowd. Anyway good work and good luck!
-Tim

-Tim

DJLI
Member

since 2000-06-21

Posts 237
TN, USA

6 posted 2000-06-27 02:16 AM

this is beautiful!!! you really do have a great talent. and besides, if a man can promise this, and more, not only is he one heck of a find, but also he must have a kind-hearted nature. DON'T EVER LOOSE THAT!!! your poetry is really very good and you should keep posting!!!

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

7 posted 2000-06-27 05:43 PM

Hi Anthony

I got to tell you, any man that would stand in front of crowd and say he loves me...gets my vote

no questions asked lol.

I like it, but I'm curious, did you have anyone specific in mind when you wrote this?

Look forward to your next posting.

Never underestimate the Power of Purpose.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the 'Present'
unkn

Doogle
Junior Member

since 2000-02-19

Posts 11
London

8 posted 2000-06-28 03:55 PM

HI,

I agree with a previous post about the rhythm. Definately helps to read the poem aloud and make sure you don't have too many "beats" in a line, like line four. Also imply rather than just saying, be mysterious. People who read poetry want to be able to discover what the meaning is rather than have it too obvious if that makes sense. Good Luck.

Doogle
(Sarah)

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