»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Senior Solace (New here seeking comments)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Senior Solace (New here seeking comments) |
|
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada 
|
I'm new at this forum and I don't know the proceedure. Am I permitted to critique or is that reserved for others. Regardless, I would appreciate comments on the following work, merit and improvements. Thank you E. Lewis True. Weather the stormfronts late in life when the bones for certain start to ache and creak. Count each day a yeild of blessings, the last sleep in the creator's keep. Memory's bramches spread to calm you with old smiles amoung the leaves. Every calling speaks a story of past truth, each love story a sweet song in the breeze. Dangers and fears don't fill the ready heads; they don't need to be pushed out. Don't douse the fire, don't drop the quest the peaceful work has come about. You'll grow stronger than worrying as your seasons sage the younger minds. Ageless grace heals graceless age, when you measure out your proven time. Each flash from the past speaks more than fate they speak to us of our needs. Through veins of histroy comes future toil and rivers keep flowing to the sea. Each painter's minutes are the brush of life to capture consciousness and time. Giving and recieving all can paint in living color, stories called to mind. Celtrue2000@E3B1G9 |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Eric Lewis True - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
ethome,  I am a younger member than you are. If we are not supposed to critique, God forgive us all... I'll give it a shot, if I mess up too bad, I hope some senior member will patch things up.First Stanza: I would capitalize Creator because it references diety. Second Stanza: There is a typo, bramches should be branches. Amoung should probably be among. Third Stanza: I would put some kind of puctuation after quest. Forth Stanza: I would not have a puctuation after age. Fifth Stanza: I would puctuate after fate. Sixth Stanza: Recieving is spelled receiving. I think that I would have used the word recalled (idicating recollection) rather than called. Just my opinion, I hope this helps. Bob <>< |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Hi Bob, thanks for the corrections. I am a terrible two finger typist and I try to go too fast. I should check my work more thoroughly. I used "called to mind." because I thought I could get away with it. I thought that it might be poetically acceptable as some poets use abbreviations to conform to meter and unity. Like using cause instead of because and til instead of until?? I do know that recalled upsets the flow of the line. I am no expert, so I am just throwing these things out there, maybe I'm wrong about recalled. Thanks for your time I appreciate it. Sincerly, E. Lewis True |
||
|
Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I think this is quite a nice poem! I think the 'Ageless grace...' line is quite exceptional. I don't write in rhyme or traditional style but I do have a few observations since you seek input. I don't see why you need 'for certain' in the second line. 'They don't need to be pushed out' I think is a weak line and 'Rivers keep flowing to the sea' should also be rewritten. There was another line I ws going to mention but I forgot which. But most of this poem is good! |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I can understand most of your recommendations except - the rivers keep running to the sea. That line was put in to signify the never ending cycle of life. As far as pushed goes, it is there because some people have to push negative thoughts from their mind. I've heard the expression many times over, "push those thoughts right out of your mind." I really appreciate your input, thanks so much for stopping in, I'm going to use some of your suggestions.. Sincerly E. Lewis True |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
ethome-- welcome! yes, you can certainly comment on any of the poems here, in fact....you're encouraged to do so! i generally liked your piece, especially the line "ageless grace heals graceless age;" i thought this was quite beautiful and....graceful, lol.  very nicely done.i think "called" in the last line is fine. as it is, the line is perfect iambic pentameter, and has a nice feel to it. you might want to take a second look at the meter in the rest of the poem, however; it is very inconsistent, and i think this hurts the overall flow. a poem's meter, of course, is made up of metrical "feet", a pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables, repeated throughout a line and from line to line. you never do establish any pattern here, there's no consistent rhythm in the lines. with few exceptions, each line has a slightly different pattern: WEA-ther the STORM-fronts LATE in LIFE [8 syllables, 4 stresses] when the BONES for CER-tain START to ACHE and CREAK. [11 syllables, 5 stresses] COUNT each DAY a YIELD of BLESS-ings, [8 syllables, 4 stresses, different pattern than line 1] the LAST SLEEP in THE cre-A-tor's keep. [9 syllables, 4 stresses] MEM-or-y's BRAN-ches SPREAD to CALM you [8 or 9 syllables, depending on pronunciation of “memory’s”, 4 stresses, new pattern] with OLD SMILES a-MONG the LEAVES. [7 syllables, 4 stresses] EV-ery CALL-ing SPEAKS a STO-ry of PAST TRUTH, [11 syllables, 6 stresses] each LOVE STO-ry a SWEET SONG in the BREEZE. [10 syllables, 5 stresses] DAN-gers and FEARS don't FILL the READ-y HEADS; [10 syllabes, 5 stresses, different pattern than previous line] they DON’T NEED to be PUSHED OUT. [7 syllables, 5 stresses, different than second line of previous stanza] DON’T DOUSE the FIRE, don't DROP the QUEST [8 syllables, 4 or 5 stresses depending on whether first word in line is stressed; different pattern than any previous line] the PEACE-ful WORK has COME a-BOUT. [8 syllables, 4 stresses, yet another different pattern] You'll GROW STRONG-er than WORR-y-ing [8 syllables, 3 stresses] as your SEA-sons SAGE the YOUNG-er MINDS. [9 syllables, 4 stresses] AGE-less GRACE heals GRACE-less AGE, [7 syllables, 4 stresses, similar to third line of first stanza] when you MEA-sure OUT your PRO-ven TIME. [9 syllables, 4 stresses, same as second line of this stanza] Each FLASH from the PAST speaks MORE than FATE [9 syllables, 4 stresses, new pattern] they SPEAK to US of our NEEDS. [7 syllables, 3 stresses] Through VEINS of HIS-tor-y comes FU-ture TOIL [9 or 10 syllables, depending on pronunciation of “history”, 4 stresses, new pattern] and RI-vers KEEP FLOW-ing TO the SEA. [9 syllables, 5 stresses] Each PAINT-er's MIN-utes ARE the BRUSH of LIFE [10 syllables, 5 stresses, iambic pentameter with a “deemed” stress on “are” as the middle of three otherwise unstressed syllables] to CAP-ture CON-scious-NESS and TIME. [8 syllables, 4 stresses] GIV-ing and re-CEI-ing ALL can PAINT [9 syllables, 4 stresses] in LIV-ing CO-lor, STO-ries CALL-ed to MIND. [10 syllables, 5 stresses, iambic pentameter] especially if you're trying to rhyme (more on that in a bit), i think this piece would be more effective if you chose a pattern for a line or two lines and repeated it pretty much consistently. sure, you can vary it a bit from time to time, but in a piece like this that should be the exception, not the rule. most of the lines here have 4 or 5 stresses, a few have 3, and one line has 6 stresses. even these out, make the stresses in each line occur with a regular pattern, and i think the poem will sound and feel much better. as it is now, the longer lines like "every calling speaks a story of past truth" kind of stumble on a little too long, and lines like "they speak to us of our needs" feel too short. you might try alternating lines of 5 and 4 stresses with either iambic or trochaic feet, or alternating lines of iambic and trochaic feet, or the other way around, whatever feels best to you. at first i wasn't sure you were trying to rhyme the second and fourth lines of each stanza here, and i guess i'm still not sure, but it looks like maybe you are, so i'll just say that "near" rhymes, such as creak/keep or leaves/breeze, words that don't quite have the same sound but come pretty close, are kind of weak; you may want to give that a look too. almost all your rhymes are near rhymes. the one good thing about it here is that you're consistent; near rhymes tend to really stick out when most other lines have perfect rhymes. you don't have that problem here, so you might not want to fiddle with your end words too much (although note you repeat a rhyme, minds/time and later, time/mind). just something to think about, i guess. in addition to the typos bob noted, you also have typos on "yield" and "history". this may sound like a lot, but it's not, really. the meter is the big thing; just find a rhythm and stick to it, and you'll have a pretty nice poem here. good work, and thanks for sharing this with us. jenni |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Thanks Jenni, I guess I am a little overwhelmed by all that but I must say it is very interesting. I know nothing about meter so I guess I am going have to buy a book and read up on it. I am old song writer trying to learn about poetry. I'm finding out there's quite a difference between the two. Writing a song is usually the result of a stream from the heart and soul, although rhyme scheme and meter are important in order to match the timing of the melody. I guess the importance of these things isn't emphasized as much in the song writing communities, however, I would probably be a much better song writer if I took the time to come to an understanding of them. I thank you so much for your time, I know it took quite a bit of your time. sincerly, E. Lewis True |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
