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Snickers
Member

since 2000-05-25

Posts 88
East Haddam, CT

0 posted 2000-06-18 09:32 PM

Hi everybody! This iz my first time posting in this forum, so I'm hoping to get a response. I posted this poem in the Teen #3 Forum but only got 1 reply and no criticism!! Anways, I wrote this a few days ago. It's kind of about what I've been feeling for a long time, but could never express in words. And I think some of the parts might be bit confusing or could be worded better. I'd really like to hear any kind of criticism or suggestions about anything. And what do u think of the title?? Thanx a bunch!!

~<3 Alwayz~
**Nikki**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Accept Me, Please*

So what now?
What am I supposed to do?
Keep waiting?
Keep waiting for something new,
Something to look forward to?
Well I'm tired of waiting
I'm sick of debating
With myself, by myself
Even my health
is deteriorating
My exterior's fading
The interior's waiting
To be noticed,
To be loved.
Never been loved before,
always longing for more
More than I've ever had,
could ever get
I wouldn't bet
I'll never let
My heart be exposed to pain
Maybe I'm insane
or loving impaired
Maybe I'm just scared
Don't know how to be
what you want,
what you need
I need love,
I need you
Don't know what to do
Not good enough for you
Nothing to look forward to
I'm confused,
abused,
amazingly amused
by my stupidity
lack of knowledge
to acknowledge
what's wrong in my life,
the cause of my strife
The reasons for my pain
Am I insane?
What's to gain?
If I admit my weaknesses,
my problems,
pet peeves
Would you leave?
I've been decieved
so many times
and time again
I can't trust
there must
be something I can do
I wish I knew
Why I'm afraid
I've made
it impossible to feel
something real
To love,
to be loved.
Love me,
for me,
And maybe I will be
able to please you,
seize you,
tease you.
Look past my eyes,
beneath the lies.
Into my heart,
but don't tear it apart.
Broken hearts scar
So far
I know
I cannot be
what I'm not
I can only be me.
So accept me please.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-06-19 12:33 PM

Hi Nikki,

I liked your poem; it read a bit like rap. I think, though, that you need to use far fewer words for what you had to say here. A little more stucture, perhaps...this is just my humble opinion. The poem is about acceptance, yet you list all the things you want. Maybe the poem would have more meaning if you really concentrated on the acceptance aspect...why you don't feel accepted, etc.

The poem was fun to read, although a bit sad, too, but I think it would be even better with a few changes.

Enjoyed reading,
Kris

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 2000-06-21 09:47 AM

I understand what you are saying, but the word 'me' kept cropping up and was distracting. I'd like to see it tightened too. Keep writing!

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