»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Agoraphobia?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Agoraphobia? |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
the latch on the intricate wrought-iron gate would not open. rusty, the joint frozen, it refused to move. frustrated, he called out her name, over and over again. beyond the gate, the lush gardens, and the billowing trees, she sat within the house, listening to the lyrical quality of his voice, wishing she could walk out the door, search with him for the secret, but she is rooted in the familiar, within the four walls, though life there has been depleted of its sustenance, she is unable, as yet, to break free, to tread upon unprecedented grounds. she prays that he will not surrender to exasperation, that he will persevere, uncovering the secret to the loosening of the latch. Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-19-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
kris this was good i thought .. of course i like metaphors which include a garden/nature theme, but i particular liked this for its straightforward seemingly honest simplicity and the clarity with which the message was conveyed. On a technical note i just wondered whether the reference to "lush gardens" might not be slightly at odds with the later reference to depleted soil? just a minor point though in a nice poem P |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, I edited just a bit to make it clearer...it is just within the four walls that depletion has occurred, beyond the gardens. I suppose I am just a simple person. Thanks for reading and commenting, Kris< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-19-2000).] |
||
|
mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi warmhrt Anyone who has a phobia can definitely identify with this poem.  Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unkn |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Mystic, I suppose they could, but here it is only a metaphor. Thanks, though, for reading and commenting. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Hehe, I feel dense. At first took it literally as a poem on agoraphobia, and didn't like it because it's too obvious. Now, though, glad I came back a second time and read the replies. quote: I especially liked those lines, just for what they're saying. Well worded. Perhaps do something to make the idea of the iron gate more involved in the poem. I like that idea, and maybe it could be integrated further somehow. Just a thought that could maybe add something to the poem. I like it though, and like I said, glad I came back and figured out what it really was about (sheesh, not even a month since summer break started, and look at me *grins*). Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
||
|
Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
warmheart very well written and so sad the unreal fears that seperate us. Personally I would get me some heavy duty bolt cutters and make my way in one way or another. You know climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea. Shared fears are only half as bad. And with some good compost who knows what might grow. Well done forrest |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Kris! excellent beginning, really pulls the reader in. me like it much. i like the nature theme and the idea, but here are some comments anyway  I may be the only one, but I dont like the use of "it" in this line - though it has been totally depleted, - what IS "it" in this situation? i dont really find the evidence earlier in the poem (please point it out if im being stoopid) because the only thing it seems like "it" could be is the walls, but then, how and what do walls become depleted of? also, shouldnt the lush growing things be outside the gate? it seems so to me at least. i dont think you need "to exasperation" after aquiesce, i reckon that's already implied. last thing, i would go with something not so blunt as "the secret to the opening of the gate." i would say "the secret to (insert action involved in opening gate)" ok, that barely makes sense. lemme give you a for instance - the secret to the workings of the latch. get me? luv Elyse |
||
|
Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I like this poem! It has a nice gentle poetic beauty to it.  ) I also read the other comments -- I think you should pay particular attention to those of Elyse.My observations: I didn't care for 'intricate' in the first line. What is an intricate wrought iron gate? How is it intricate? I think intricate latch would be better than intricate gate. I'd find another word or leave intricate out altogether. 'Over and over again' is lackluster, particularly for a stand on its own line. I think the poem would be improved with something stronger there or the line excised. I'm sure you've heard enough by now, but I have to also observe that I think that 'in the house' is in the wrong place. I'd do something more like: 'Beyond the gate, the lush gardens, the billowing trees ... in the house she sat.' And lastly, I agree with Elyse about the 'it'. I read the it to be her stifling existence between the four walls and nowhere else but I think specifying 'it' more exactly would make that segment stronger. This is a wonderful poem, but I think it can still be improved. ) |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi kris-- i liked this piece, and thought it was pretty interesting. a few things though?  i thought the line "search with him for the secret" was a little out of place. sure, at the end, we learn the "secret" is the secret "to the opening of the gate," but i thought it's just sprung on the reader a little suddenly in that line in the middle of the long stanza. (btw, i agree with elyse's suggestions about the last line.) the line "though it has been totally depleted" i thought was pretty awkward; what is the "it" that is depleted? also, maybe you need a period at the end of the previous line ("within these four walls")? "to tread upon unprecedented grounds" seemed a little awkward, too, although this could just be me. i guess i just don't see how the grounds outside the house can be "unprecedented." (haven't the grounds always been there?) i may be wrong, but i think what you are trying to say is that it is the woman's presence outside the house which would be unprecedented. i'd ditch that word (haha, a little gardening allusion for ya ) and maybe go with something else there. just a suggestion. about "acquiesce to exasperation", i think maybe you can find something better there, perhaps something as simple as "give in," "give up," or "leave." i don't know, it just sounds a little stilted to me, i guess; the rest of the poem has a very nice, deceptively simple voice (one of the things i really love about the piece), and then suddenly here's two $10 words almost back to back. anyway, your theme is thought-provoking and your approach quite interesting. thanks for a good read! jenni |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Ryan, Forrest, Marq, Elyse, and jenni, Thanks to all of you who read, commented, and made suggestions. I sincerely appreciate the time you took to make the suggestions. Some I acted upon, and others, I will have to think about. I hope all of you enjoyed. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think this would make a strong addition to the book. Nice use of repetition at the end. All I've got time for now. Wife's waiting. Brad |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, Thank you. I don't know anything about this book stuff, but someone (Philip, I suspect), agrees with you. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, I thought I would wait for a couple of other comments before I responded to this one so as to not make a really foolish remark. Well, it looks like it got almost overloaded overnight  Now it looks like you have edited and changed some of the wording. Marq didn't care for "intricate wrought-iron gate" and it does seem like intricate conveys a picture slightly off from what I think you meant. Perhaps ornate would fit better. Just a suggestion, of course. This is a sad story but, as always from you, well written and vividly described. Thanks for sharing. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 06-20-2000).] |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
i think "intricate" is a great word to describe the wrought-iron gate, lol. my dictionary has it as "having many complexly interrelating parts or elements," and i think this fits in nicely with the idea that what is keeping the woman in the house is not any one single thing but rather all sorts of different interrelated elements of the woman's life. "ornate," as in "elaborately or excessively decorated," just doesn't carry the same feel, in my mind, anyway. i've seen plenty of wrought-iron gates, especially on grander, older homes in the south (savannah, georgia or charleston, south carolina, say), with all sorts of things, swords, coats of arms, initials, tobacco and ancanthus leaves, nautical anchors, fleur-de-lis, birds, lions, whatever, worked into the iron filigree, creating quite an intricate pattern. even "normal" iron filigree work, with its characteristic interlocking geometric shapes and curlicues, i think can be quite aptly described as "intricate." the use of "intricate" to describe the gate in the poem, along with the lush graden and billowing trees, brought to my mind one of those old southern homes, and, to me at least, gave the piece a southern-gothic, thomas wolfe- or william faulkner- kind of feel, just dripping with the oppressive and haunting hand of the Past. i think the word works quite well in the context of this poem. anyway, there's my two cents, lol, and i'll shut up now. jenni |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I yield to Jenni on the intricate argument  but I still stand by the rest of my comments. I think it's a very good poem as written (including intricate). Next time I might try consulting my owh dictionary instead of my failing memory  Pete |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
i just wanted to say that i liked what you did to this. ok, bye nowluv Elyse |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, The ever kind, sweet poet you are, even when making suggestions for change. Then, you are gracious enough to say that perhaps your suggestion wasn't so good after all. I sincerely appreciate the time taken to read and to comment (and to give in to jenni)lol. jenni, How much do I owe you, counselor? You said exactly what I wanted to say about the word "intricate", but you articulated it so much better than I would have. Thanks I have not been around the south much at all, but up here, old wrought iron fences and gates are "the" big items in antique stores and at auctions. I find some of the work on them fascinating, although I don't particularly like the ornate or ostentacious ones. I prefer the gates that are finely crafted, and aesthetically pleasing without being over done. Still hunting for one that says exactly what I want it to say, and I won't know what it really even looks like till I see it. Only then will I know...I'm like that with a lot of things...a new dress, furniture, etc. I'm rambling again...thanks again for the defense. Send me the bill. Elyse...you sweetie...thanks for your suggestions. They did help this out a lot. Kris P.S. to everyone: Where in the heck is JB, and where has he been? the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I'm baaaaaaack!!! Agoraphobia ... searching my cobwebbed Psych 101 memories ... the fear of crowds? I too think that this will make a fine addition to the book. Good use of metaphor and, as usual, excellent wording. I try to catch your next poem sooner to avoid rehashing the comments of others. Nice work here, Kris. Jim |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hey, Teach, where've ya been? Agoraphobia is, in actual translation, fear of the marketplace, but we call it now a fear of open spaces. Some people who suffer from it have not left their homes in years, some even decades. Sad... Thanks for reading, and for being so kind, as usual, Jim, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
