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eldridgejackson
Member

since 2000-04-30

Posts 91

0 posted 2000-06-19 12:43 PM

The Last Petal

Strong persistent wind
Against determined beauty
Rains fall cleaning nurturing
Loving sun caresses illuminates

Glory surrounds and explodes
Totality absorbs the moment
Expression unbounded
Speechless we ponder the magnificence

He holds her hand and cries
As the last petal falls

JEC

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

1 posted 2000-06-19 02:08 PM

Bonjour eldridgejackson

It's a beautiful poem...it kind of reminds me of the ending to the disney classic Beauty and The Beast.

Never underestimate the Power of Purpose.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the 'Present'
unkn

eldridgejackson
Member

since 2000-04-30

Posts 91

2 posted 2000-06-19 02:17 PM

You are right and I did enjoy that movie. Thanks for the encouragement

Forrest Cain
Member

since 2000-04-21

Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

3 posted 2000-06-19 05:22 PM

Hey bro your becoming very prolific. Nice
poem ,flowed well and had a really dynamite
ending. Is it new or one you had written previously. Either way I liked it alot.

forrest

eldridgejackson
Member

since 2000-04-30

Posts 91

4 posted 2000-06-19 06:45 PM

Thanks Bro. It is a new one. I was out looking at the Day Lillies. One was a large Orange one and beside it was the one from yesterday that had withered. I was thinking people are like flowers.

And you and I only have a few withered petals left.

I was going to write about the Dog doo that Laura stepped in but I couldn't find a rhyme for yucky poo.

JC

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

5 posted 2000-06-19 06:53 PM

hi eldridge! i liked this much. very beautiful. all i have to offer is maybe shorten the syllables on the last line in the second stanza. you might get a better flow that way.

luv Elyse

eldridgejackson
Member

since 2000-04-30

Posts 91

6 posted 2000-06-22 01:46 PM

Strong persistent wind
Against determined beauty
Rains fall cleaning nurturing
Loving sun caresses illuminates

Glory surrounds and explodes
Totality absorbs the moment
Expression unbounded speechless
We ponder the magnificence

He holds her hand and cries
As the last petal falls

Is this better?

Thanks for the advice Elyse.

I may be slow but I can't run either.

[This message has been edited by eldridgejackson (edited 06-22-2000).]

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

7 posted 2000-06-22 03:37 PM

I think the revised version works very well. Nicely done

Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

"Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

8 posted 2000-06-23 05:16 AM

I think maybe I'm just in a bad mood because the only poem I've liked so far today is Doreen's.

Sorry, this one doesn't work for me either.

The short lines without enjambment give this a really stilted feel for me.

I think you're being far too abstract with what you want to portray here. Drop magnificence and totality and illuminates and tell us what happened.

Let the reader feel the magnificence, the totality of it all by showing what happened, not telling what happened.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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