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Critical Analysis #1
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
Upon Your Birthday what can i give you my darling i'll go away i'll die anything for you on this day it's all for you anyways in my sad eyes the tears fuel my sight they magnify the sad scenes and allow the hurt to swell become raw like exposed flesh with your tender skin you cut and stab through the void you think i am i have friends another year older my sweet is it better worse do you feel anything anyways time i spent at dark night stitching up wounds of time with silken threads of thought only to find by cruel light that scars too are ugly as wounds they stretch in my mind they become familiar in time i have friends is anything worth it honey we grow up a little and lose it even on your birhtday i'm mute i just think these things for you keep in mind i love you and you care not for me so upon this birthday it seems logical to think; on this day you were born you don't know that i was and what a disparaging thought i have friends? |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wolfgang Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 124Hamilton, Ont. Canada |
I will admit to you that I am not a great afficionado of free verse but yours seem to grab in all the right places. Very passionate and insightful but again I must ask you: Why no commas and punctuation marks? With your writing ability there has to be a reason for it and I am dying to know! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I agree about the punctuation. Just put them in later. Good writing is in the rewriting -- is I'm sure often enough mentioned here. As to the rest of the poem, I enjoy the pleasure of pain thing you've got going here but I don't quite see the full situation. A parent (or some authority figure)is attempting to apologize for beating 'you'? I would drop the last line, it doesn't have any impact. I would also maybe change the last few lines to 'Is it expiation you want?' or something like that. Maybe break it up into stanzas as well to make it easier for the reader to,well, read it. Good ideas, great imagery -- I like 'white curves smile at me / and sometimes spit out red seeds'. I see this as an infected wound. But, I think you need more detail, more punctuation, a stanzaic structure, and a stronger ending. Brad |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Ah shoot! I think I posted this in the wrong place. the above comment is for 'the pleasures of youth'. If it does come out, I'm sorry about that. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, since I screwed up my last post. I might as well comment on this one as well. I like the ending, 'On this day you were born / You don't know that I was / I have friends?' but think that a more, casual understated build up would work better. At the moment, I find the 'sad' 'wounds' 'cut and stab' detracts from the force of those last lines. Also, try to show us the 'birthday boy or girl' a little more -- a child, an adult, a lover, a friend? I think what would also create a stronger impact. Keep writing, Brad |
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TheCandyMan_1 Junior Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 38NY |
This does paint the picture well, but formatting (punctuation and form) would put 'impact' into it. This work does leave one wondering 'who' it is about? I re-read it many times looking for the clues as to who it was about. I have to say, first I thought of a spouse...then was more leaning towards it being a father that was not there. Then in reading it the third time I thought maybe it is not about anyone human but about feelings of the world and life. I tend to read too deep sometimes though. The birthday known being the birth of a nation (maybe July 4th) and yours being unknown because nobody celebrating it (I have friends?). God, I want to know the answer to this sooooo bad!!! It is tearing my mind apart  That is a very good thing though. I look forward to your comments or re-write. Thank you for a read that promotes thought. I enjoyed. ------------------ ©1999 JA.Malone "Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite - "Fool!" said my Muse to me "look in thy heart, and write!" - Sir Philip Sidney |
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Wolfgang Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 124Hamilton, Ont. Canada |
I have re-read this poem a few times and, I for one, do not wish to know who this poem is about. Now that I do know, it shattered my illusion of the first reading.  However, I like it just as much as before. |
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