»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Rebound Girl
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Rebound Girl |
|
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
***PLEASE can someone suggest a better title? i HATE this, but i cant think of anything else. (well, i could if i sat in my chair, thumped my forehead and went "think think think" but noone wants that  )you run to her in my arms. you cannot hold her there. It's true our hair shine a similar hue our eyes an almost matching blue but she is she and I am me and I am not what you are wanting. Fool. I thought I could haul the logs alone grab your spark and keep a fire there. I thought those were matches in your eyes. But I mistook. That look is not for me, your lips part not to trap mine between Who did you see when you stared so long into my eyes? I should have known. But then, you hid her pictures well. I give them back. I give you back. to her. Please, seek your ghosts no longer in my house. [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 06-21-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse what an idiot this guy is. You probablly intimidate him by your brilliance. Ther are many men who value strong intelligent women. In the third to the last stanza did you mean you or your. I`ll throw out a few titles "Seperate pathways." "Mirror Images." "Iron Curtains." "Rescue Work." "You Can`t Kill Me Twice." "I Am Alone." "Concerning A Girl." "Self Portrait Of The Other." " Merely Here." I doubt any of these will suit your purposes but I tried. Two other ones I just thought of "Looking Glass" and "Bitter Reflections" Your true love waits and grieves for your love as much as you grieve for his. You are the ELYSE DON`T FORGET THAT!! The poet princess. A Little Poem for Elyse youth and innocence a flower and a flower behind a white picked fence. forrest 2000 luv forrest please feel free not to critique this one. Also my deepest thanks for your critiques and reading and commenting on eldridgejacksons poems. Baby poets needs nurturing and you done a fine job. as always your greatest fan forrest "Locked Out." "Mirror Of Tomorrow." "Whatever You Want," "After A Death." "I sit by the window." |
||
|
eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I enjoyed your poem. It really says it all. I have been there in love with someone who loved another. I trashed her and found someone who was in love with me. But the pain of hopeless love is a worthy emotion to review. I wouold title it just "Rebound" or "Flushing a big turd" Nice work Elyse |
||
|
Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse again good write but have you ever noticed how me and my brother (James) have such good taste in women. luv Forrest |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
forrest, you are so cute when you're in protection/damage control mode  however, this was a bit of dramatic monologe for me, (although i luved my poem ) so you can stop worrying now. but thanx for all the title suggestions.thanx for the comments EJ, the flushing one is really growin on me, i wonder if i could get away with that luv Elyse |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi elyse-- nice work here. i loved the second stanza ("it's true..."), especially the first three lines there. the last line of the next stanza ("i thought those were matches in your eyes") was pretty clever, nice play on "matches" there. the line "i am not what you are wanting" i thought was pretty good, too, with "wanting" read as both desiring and lacking. i thought the giving back of the "pictures" was a bit off; i guess i don't see how the speaker can give back or return to the guy the guy's own images of the other girl. i think i see what you are saying, i think; everything the guy gave to the speaker, affectionate looks, kisses, etc., were nothing but the guy's images of the other chick, and yeah, who wants that? lol the speaker doesn't want them anymore, so is giving them back, or rejecting them, ridding herself of the guy and everything they supposedly had together. i guess i just think this could have been set up better, or perhaps nuanced with some recognition that, in a sense, the speaker may not have ever had anything at all. i don't know, something to think about. i liked your stanza breaks and the opening of the middle stanzas with "fool," "but i mistook," and "i should have known;" nice use of repetition without being repetitive! pretty good stuff as usual from you, elyse; thanks for sharing this with us! jenni p.s.: i'm terrible with titles, but EJ's "flushing the big turd" does have its merits, lol. |
||
|
JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Great work here! I felt every painful moment... I actually found myself feeling sorry for the guy... too easy to cast blame on the poor idiot for not realizing what he has and is throwing away, but there is a certain part of me that feels for this guy who is trapped in a prision from which he doesn't know he is in. The pictures... I read it to mean that she found them in thier hiding place and decided that was the last straw, gave them back and bid adios to the big turd. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi jenni! thanx for all the sweet things ya said. you make a good point about the pictures. they arent really the speaker's to give, but i suppose i was thinking about like JP said, she finds them and hands them to him or something. it probably could be said better. JP, did this come out as a that-guy-is-evil,bad,bad-lets-go-stone-him poem? it wasnt meant to. she's more upset at herself, ....but there was just a humoungous clap of thunder, it sounded like a tree got hit not too far off, scared the bejeezus outta me, so im going now, be back later. luv Elyse |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Elyse: I enjoyed the poem and, like Jenni, especially liked the second stanza. I don't think this came across as a "bash the bone-head guy" poem at all. I do think that you did an excellent job of describing the feelings someone experiences in such a circumstance such as frustration and hurt. Nice work, Elyse. Jim P.S. I think "Rebound Girl" is a fine title. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 06-22-2000).] |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Elyse, I liked 'Rebound Girl' as the title. I hope I'm not overdoing it when I say that I think you can do much better than this. This is a whining poem but you never give us anything but a general idea of what actually happened. I'd rewrite the whole thing starting with the last stanza and expand on that metaphor. You are the ghost of what he really wants (not the most original idea in the world, I know, but think of the potential if done well.) Second, I would intersperse this with some actual scenes, with the strain of trying to deal with the man -- show the man as well, don't just talk about him. Just some ideas, Brad |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thanx jim you big sweetie! i do try. however i stand by my previous assesment of that title as yucky and bad. btw, Kris has been askin after youawww brad, can't you jump on the cool-poem-Elyse bandwagon? no, i realize many things could be improved but i never thougt it was a whiny poem! sniff, sniff, i am hurt deeply by that comment bradley! ill definitely play with what you suggested, (couldnt hurt) and if i come up with somethin good it might (big maybe) show up here. thanx for readin and commentin tho. |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thanx jim you big sweetie! i do try. however i stand by my previous assesment of that title as yucky and bad. btw, Kris has been askin after youawww brad, can't you jump on the cool-poem-Elyse bandwagon? no, i realize many things could be improved but i never thougt it was a whiny poem! sniff, sniff, i am hurt deeply by that comment bradley! ill definitely play with what you suggested, (couldnt hurt) and if i come up with somethin good it might (big maybe) show up here. thanx for readin and commentin tho. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Oh my God, are you friends with Kris? Do I have to go through the 'Bradley' crisis all over again. Such is the blight of an 'ley' name. |
||
|
Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Elyse Like lots of the other poems you have posted I like the personal simple style of this little lyric. I also like the last line, with 'the house' -tim |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Elyse, How did I miss this one? Actually, I thought I had already commented on it  I just came back today to see what new responses were here, only to discover that mine was not there. Oops.Now for the title question. I don't see anything really wrong with "Rebound Girl" but, as has already been suggested, I think "Rebound" or Reflection" would work nicely. But, of course, "Flushing The Big Turd" does have a certain ring to it. Well anyway, so much for my thoughts. Pete P.S. I enjoyed the read but, like Brad, I don't think it's your best. I didn't see it as whiney though. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
