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Critical Analysis #1
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Saying Good Bye (replies greatly appreciated!)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Saying Good Bye (replies greatly appreciated!) |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
Saying Good-Bye  Trying to keep myself busy I wonder-do you even miss me? You broke my heart-do you even care? Please some back my little Teddy Bear My heart is empty and my sould is cold When I first met you I htought you had broken the mold All you do is sit and loaugh at my sorrow My heart was all that you wanted to borrow You dragged it through the mud then took it and ran I was foolish to actually think you were a real man You slept with me? Funny, I don't remember that You lied and all you have now is your stupid cat I've decided to move on my dear I'll shed just one more tear Don't tell mme that you love me that's not what I want to hear I'm taking my heart back, getting the hell out of here You thought you could play with my heart You planned it from the very start But I figured it out your petty stupid game Guess, you'll just always be the same Get over yourself you ignorant little fool You took my heart and broke every rule I'm getting on with my life You were the cause of all my strife So how does it feel to be all alone? Don't be calling me on the phone I blocked your number, you can't get through How do you feel now? Are you cold and blue? I hope you are, I hope you feel the way I did My broken heart and I always hid Hid behind a mask of smiles and pride But inside I really already died See, look I'm so over you My revenge is way past due I can't keep it in any more It was locked deep down inside my core Burning desires deep within It definately had to be a sin You changed my world in more ways than one For a wonderful while I was your "sweetie" and your "hun" But now I'm nothing because you think I'm dumb Now, with your stupid childish games I am done I'm writing this to finally for one last time say good-bye On last thing before I go--please don't make any more girls cry ~*~Dedicated to moving on with my life and getting rid of a fool that I thought I loved~* PLease, feel free to pick it apart...I'm curious as to what you all have to say "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves." "Bleeding hearts release tears of fire" "work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last" |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jessica Lynn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, there's nothing wrong with writing stuff like this but I'm curious what you expected the reader to think? This is a rant poem after a breakup and they are fairly common. This is not to say your feelings are common. This is not to say that what you've been through is not authentic. But it is a very common motivation for writing poetry: 1. drop the couplet rhyme scheme. go to any public forum on the internet and show me you where you can't find a piece with similar rhymes. 2. worry about the rhythm -- not just the end of the line rhymes. 3. don't be so abstract and tell us what this person actually did. You spin around it (probably because of the rhyme). Give it to us in full force. 4. Rant poems don't usually work because you don't get any reaction from the other character. I read the whole thing hoping that you would turn it or twist it in some unexpected way. No, it begins and ends the same way. 5. Watch the typos. 6. You have one line that I really loved by the way: You slept with me? Funny, I don't remember that just cracked me up, worth the price of admission by itself. Just an opinion, Brad |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
well Brad, thanks for your advice I suppose later I'll revise it.  I am glad to have heard some one's HONEST opinion and not just "I like your poem" I'm very tired of that. thanksfor making me see my errors as a writer. Your opinions mean a lot to me. I'll revise it and then you can tell me how it is...ok? lol. thxs again!  Love Always~*~Jessica~*~  "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves." "Bleeding hearts release tears of fire" "work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last" |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
jessica I always fail to see the rhyme and content as I'm more inclined to the emotional depth in it...anyway it was good one... Sincerely A_L |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Mostly I agree with Brad, and especially about the "you slept with me line?"... Unfortunately that stands out as being one exceptional line amid a number of unexceptional ones probably because of the introduction of a little (albeit a sarcastic) humour. I think the whole piece could have benefited from more of the same. While there's certainly nothing wrong with writing very personal poems to "get emotions out" they can often end up (as brad says) as being more or less the same as every other poem written for that reason ... not much wrong with that either .. I've done it myself many times ....lol BUT this is CA, and really what I for one would have like to have seen would have been "a rant with a difference. So now you've got this out of your system how about lots more poems from you maybe letting us see a little more of that understated sense of humour which I guess you may have...  waiting Philip |
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