Three Little Girls-(Repost)

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Critical Analysis #1

Three Little Girls-(Repost)

Romy
Senior Member

since 2000-05-28

Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida

0 posted 2000-06-10 05:03 PM

Three Little Girls
sitting on the edge of the old wooden porch,
swinging their sunburned legs
back and forth,
back and forth.
Whispering to each other through cupped hands,
the secrets
that little girls treasure.
And I,
the intruder, peer unseen from
behind the dusty window
of the general store.
Cradling my bag of groceries close to my chest,
as if it were the carefree and innocent spirit
of my youthful days,
reborn.
I  yearn to join their magic circle
giggling and chattering,
in a long-forgotten language
that only a child can understand.
To revisit, if only for a moment,
that enchanting world
of green grass and blue skies,
jump ropes and ice cream cones.
Where palaces are filled with unbroken dreams
and the sweet promise
of everything beautiful and fair
lays waiting to be discovered.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-06-10 08:52 PM

Debbie:

I liked this.  A few suggestions:

"And I,
the intruder, peer unseen from
behind the dusty window
of the general store.
Cradling my bag of groceries close to my chest,
as if it were the carefree and innocent spirit
of my youthful days,
reborn.
I  yearn to join their magic circle
giggling and chattering,
in a long-forgotten language
that only a child can understand."

I think your punctuation broke the flow of the lines a little bit.  I would suggest you change the period after "store" to a comma, do the same after "reborn" and change "I yearn" to "yearning".  Just a few thoughts.

My brain is cramping right now so I am only 75% sure of this, but I think "lays" should be "lies".

I enjoyed the read.  Thanks.

Jim

Romy
Senior Member

since 2000-05-28

Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida

2 posted 2000-06-11 10:35 PM

Jim,
It's funny because originally I wrote "lies" in that line and then changed it at the last minute, thinking that was wrong! I'm still not sure but I think you're right!

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to take it!
Debbie

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