homeless and hungry (revised version)

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epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

0 posted 2000-06-08 09:18 PM

There he stands
sign in his hand,
"Homeless and hungry,
will work for food."

Everyone sees him,
but no one cares.
He just hopes
that someone will share.

Looking for a
little humanity,
in this world
of power and greed.

He looks to the sky,
praying for things
to turn around.

His life seems
so lonely,
since she died.

Her death left
him shocked.
So suddenly alone
without love.

She died so
horribly,
when that drunk
hit her car.

It shocked
his mind
and left him
blind.

Wondering how
he'll ever recover.
Wondering now
what's left to discover.

He's lost hope
and his life
has gone astray.
Now he prays,
to live another day.

He wishes so much
to change the past.
Wondering if
this too will pass.

Wondering if
he'll sleep in
the streets tonight.
Hoping that
he'll be alright.

Wanting tommorrow
to be a better day.
Wishing desperately
for things to change.

He tries so hard
to get along.
No breaks are given to him,
it seems so wrong.

He cries so much,
with eyes so red,
trying to understand
the thoughts in his head.

Waiting for life
to sing his song,
sure seems like forever
that she's been gone.

He only wants
to be like us.
Living in something
other than a burned out bus.

Wanting to see
that one big break.
He waits to see
if it will come today.

For now,
however,
he stands alone.
Sign in his hand
and his heart turned to stone.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

1 posted 2000-06-09 03:39 AM

What can I say that is not cliche? A view of humanity that we wish not to see. An understanding of a side of life we deny knowledge of.

Haunting and illuminating, and very well done.

Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

2 posted 2000-06-09 11:23 PM

thank you jp. this was revised thanks to brad giving me a little suggestive help with criticism of the original. I wanted to portray this as best as I could. I think that I did pretty well.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

3 posted 2000-06-28 11:07 PM

sometimes I wonder just how this poem impacted people and what they had to say so I thought I would check back and see if anyone else had replied but alas, i guess not.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

4 posted 2000-06-29 07:23 PM

P.J/ I hope you don't mind me calling you that. I am new and I read your poem. It came across to me in the spirit of the intent, but it is kind of long. I'm pretty sure just about every one is familiar with this scene and it just seemed to me a little over done here; mind you I don't mean the content, but all of the descriptions. I'm sure you can find it in you to say it with more impact. Take the challenge.

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

5 posted 2000-06-29 09:33 PM

yesuhjah, this was a revised version of a shorter poem. I made this one longer because someone else suggested that my original piece didn't go in depth enough. take a look at the original and tell me which one is better.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

6 posted 2000-06-29 09:53 PM

epoet:

I don't think that "short" or "long" is necessarily the issue here. A poem can be both concise and descriptive. Your theme is fine but I think you may want to rethink the structure and consider going for more of a free-verse feel.

The omniscient tense also takes away from the impact of the subject matter, in my opinion. I would suggest that you relax the format and tell the story from the point of view of the man holding the sign.

Just a thought.

Jim

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

7 posted 2000-07-01 04:46 PM

epoet. I will take a look at the short version of this poem. I do however, agree with Jim, length is not necessarily an issue one has to embody the character to attempt a portrait. I'll follow up.

Yeshujah*)

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