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YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263


0 posted 2000-06-30 12:56 PM


Me and you,
two smoking cups of
mocha rum stripped blue.
Our eyes lock in measured stares
across the atmosphere that's settled
between us.

'Tell me, what is it
you feel for me?'

My answer to that question
has always been standard:
Lies from the core.
But this time I hesitate with
the mocha on my lips,
captivated by the angle of your hips.

I hear myself say things like:
What I really want is to
lay horizontally with you,
and caress the softness of
your inner thighs.
These words come effortlessly,
like the impulse
to touch your hand..
and I do, with practiced innocence.

But you never blink a wink,
and you haven't touched your
brew of mocha rum stripped blue.

You continue:
'Can you be true?'

I stumble over that shoe,
taken a-back by the trajectory
of your straight;
as a result my usual responses
slip, slide, and fall, onto
the sidewalk of small talk.

And I balk at the thought of  what
those 'usual' responses might provoke;
so I lean back and smile,
certain that I could disarm your queries
with my GQ wiles.
But that attempt dies.
Withered by the below zero chill
emanating from the tone
in your eyes.

You pay your tab and leave.
I want to follow you to your car,
but my strategy doesn't extend that far.
I usually have things pretty much
wrapped up by the time the
quarry and I walk pass the bar
on the way to the threshing floor.

Tonight, though, I was beaten and
didn't even know the score.

YeshuJah*)


© Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved
Lighthousebob
Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725
California
1 posted 2000-06-30 02:02 PM


I too wish to welcome you to Passions.  I particularly enjoyed going into the mind (thoughts) of the aggresor.  Thank you for sharing.  Everything flows wonderful until I get to the word "straight". I think you should add the word "talk" as in your first rendition.

Taken a-back by the trajectory
       of your straight;

Leaves me with some very strange mental images.

Bob <><

mysticharm
Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189
Canada
2 posted 2000-06-30 09:13 PM


Hi YeshuJah

welcome to CA

I liked this poem   there are lots of times a person sits there and mentally are asking questions that they would verbally like to say.

I know what mocha rum is but I have no idea what the stripped blue part is...what is it?
"mocha rum stripped blue."

Hope to see more from you.
debbie

Never underestimate the Power of Purpose.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the 'Present'
unkn

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
3 posted 2000-07-01 05:04 AM


yes! i understand!     i really like the way you pared down in the rewrite, makes you much clearer in my opinion.  and now that i am not mired in excess...whatever, i am ready (please picture me, sinisterly rubbing palms together) to really critique.

i too, am puzzled about "mocha rum stripped blue"  havent a clue, what should i do, so im asking you to...alright, im annoying myself here, just a little enlightenment if you please  

"across the atmosphere that's settled
between us."

i think maybe "atmosphere" is a little syllable heavy for this line.  besides, im not convinced about an atmosphere's capabilities to settle anywhere, it seems like it just...is.

i feel that i want another syllable on this line

You continue:

whether we're talkin an "and" preceding or an adjective in between them, i think another beat would go well there.

"I stumble over that shoe,"

am confused as to what that means, a saying im not familiar with no doubt.  

"emanating from the tone
in your eyes."

yeah, this bothered me.  cuz, can eyes really have a tone?  maybe just pick something that can more legitimately be in eyes.  you know what i mean im sure.

last thing, my favorite stanzas are the more straight-talk-y ones, like stanzas 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and the last two.  not that the whole poem doesnt share that tone, i rather like that tone, especially considering the subject.  i kinda feel like some of the longer words either syllabically break the mood or seem a little much.  just my opinion of course, and please know, my picky critiques mean i thought the poem was good, and worth the time it takes to dissect  
luv Elyse

[This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 07-01-2000).]

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

4 posted 2000-07-01 03:19 PM


Bob.  Thank you for the welcome and for reading this poem.  You are correct.  The word 'talk' should follow 'straight' in the poem, that was an oversight, not an intentional omission. I appreciate your response.

Mysticharm..what a lovely name!  Thank you also for the welcome.  You all have made me feel at home on this board already.  Glad you liked the poem.  I have no idea what 'stripped blue is or means' I made the whole thing up to make my rhyme scheme work.  I hope I can be forgiven this word twist.  I could probably work with my local cofee shops to have the name included on their menus.. who knows.  And I assure you, you will see more of me.  I also look forward to reading your works.  Thank you.

Elyse.
You've already become my favorite person in here.  I mean that too. Now let's see.. where shall we begin?  I explained 'mocha rum stripped blue' to mysticharm, see my reply to her; atmosphere: I believe that in a strictly figurative way an atmosphere can settle between two people or in a room, hence the use of the word.  For instance: I did a terrible thing once in middle school(at least my parents thought it was terrible), I kissed a girl in the girl's bathroom and was caught by another girl who also had a crush on me.  She demanded that I kiss her too or she'd blow the whistle on us.  I obliged and was then caught by a teacher who reported us all to the principle, who promptly called my parents.[this was a private school.. Christian at that] I can tell you that when I knew that my parents were told an 'atmosphere' of dread descended upon me for the rest of that whole ordeal.  I used the word in the poem in that vein.

Stumble over that shoe: meant that the character was stumped, momentarily taken out of his routine by the sudden question and the serious, direct way in which it was asked.

Eyes and tone. Yes, I think eyes can have tone. Tone, as I attempt to use it here, is usually associated with voacl sounds.  But is it not an accepted fact that roughly eighty percent of communication comes from body language?  Well, the eye is a body part last time I checked. An example: I spent a lot of time with my grandmother(paternal) when I was a kid.  She would take me places and if I started to get out of hand she's give me a certain look.  I knew exactly what it meant and I can assure you I 'heard' it loud and clear.  The character in this poem is very tuned to the importance of body language, as evidenced in the 8th stanza, and so he 'sees' as if hearing, the tone in the other character's eyes.  I think it is possible.  Finally, what can I say about the longer words that break the mood of the poem?  I'll just get that old dictionary out and find me some shorter words that go with the whole idea.  All in all I appreciate the time you take to dig in.  I thank you.

To all.  My love.
YeshuJah*)

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
5 posted 2000-07-02 02:04 AM


YeshuJah I commend you on your excellent taste in women. Having to a small degree
overcome the rage of hormones view the
desirability of the female in a different light. Though in all honesty would mate every
one that attracted me(biology speaking) but
then a time arrives when they see through your eyes/heart/soul and you their's and if
your lucky you find/make the whole connection
happen. Some women grow more beautiful the
longer you know them and some much uglier.
Well anyway you can't win them all. But
after 25 years of marriage sex barely makes
the top ten of things I value my wife for.

your friend forrest



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