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The Score
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Score |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Sitting across from you over a smoking cup-a mocha blue I absorb the vibes of your glare; the intensity of your stare, as it permeates the atmosphere that has settled between us. 'Tell me, what is it you feel, for me.?' I've had this question asked of me before and my answer has always been standard: lies from the core. But this time I hesitate with the mocha on my lips, cogitating, by default, upon the angle of your hips, and I hear myself say things like: "What I really wanna do is lay horizontally with you; [the thought of it momentarily chokes the air supply from my lungs] what I really want, is to caress the softness of your inner thigh." I think and say these words effortlessly as I reach out and touch your hand impulsively, almost innocently. But you never blink a wink, and ya haven't touched your drink of mocha rum stripped blue. You continue: 'can you be true?' I stumble over that shoe, taken a-back by the trajectory of your straight talk; as a result my responses slip, slide and fall on the sidewalk of small talk; I balk... at the thought of what my usual responses might evoke; so I lean back and smile, sure that I could disarm your queries with my G Q stroke, but that attempt dies, withered by the below zero frost that emanates from the tone in your eyes. You pay your tab and leave; and I want to follow you to your car, but my usual plan didn't extend that far, because I usually had things pretty much wrapped up before the quarry and I walked past the bar on the way to the threshing floor. Tonight, though, I was beaten and didn't even know the score. YeshuJah*) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
YeshuJah: This is an interesting piece of work. I think the variation of iambic and anapestic stresses works well for the poem. I like the "glare/stare/atmosphere" rhymes/near-rhyme in the first stanza even though I wasn't crazy about "vibes of your glare" (just a personal dislike of the word "vibes" ... no problem with the meaning of the word ... it fits well with the line). Also, "cogitating, by default" didn't work for me. Some of the rhymes were actually a little distracting to me after my first read but grew on me as I started thinking of this more along the lines of a narrative song, meant to be read aloud. It is a good story and I really enjoyed your use of the words "threshing floor". The internal rhyme worked for me too. Sorry I don't have more time to go into further depth. I will try to stop back later. Jim |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi YeshuJah! i must confess, i disagree with Jim, i didnt like all that skipping around in the meter. seemed highly random to lil ole me. i do like what you're driving at though. i liked the use of dialoge (how do you spell that word???) and i liked the "lay horizontal" line, that made me chuckle. some of the wordings, though, i dunno, seem a little thick, syllabically i guess and dont seem to work for me. to giv you a for instance : the thought of it momentarily chokes the air supply from my lungs seems a little wordy. usually im a big cheerleader for "saying without saying" which is really what you're doing here, i just think it might work better a little simplified. much of the poem in fact i think could benefit from a slight scaling back of wordyness. it reads a little thick to me, and confusing in parts. im sounding super negative, but i really think this has potential to be an extremely cool piece. i hope ive made myself clear, feel free to ask my crazy self what i mean by this scribble. oh, and welcome!  luv Elyse |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Jim. Thank you for your candid comments. The meter in this one is deliberate since as you correctly surmised it is written to read out loud. I do some public reading and write some of my pieces with the actual stage appearance in mind. I can understand personal dis-like for certain words. I also have my list. Again thank you. Elyse, I want to also thank you for your comments. I agree with you that the poem is wordy,(I have to tighten this up). The meter skipping I explained above, see response to Jim's post. Thank you for the welcome and feel free to chip away at whatever I post here. It is the reason I came to this forum. Love to you too. YeshuJah*) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Somehow, I read this a little differently than either Jim or Elyse. I really felt almost no meter but the overall flow seemed smooth enough. I didn't like a few of your words, such as vibes, cogitatiing, trajectory, emanates. It seems like better sounding words could be substituted instead. I thought you did a good job with the stream-of-consciousness approach. Because of that, I excuse the slang and purposely misspelled words (cup-a, wanna) as appropriate. Very enjoyable read. Thanks. Pete |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Pete. Thank you for your understanding approach to the poem. I appreciate your comments. On words you didn't like. I took two of the four you mentioned out of the revision which is posted. I could perhaps make a greater effort in the future to use better wording. Regarding the stream of conscious mode. I never thought of the poem in that light, but if read with that in mind it does come across that way. Thanks again for your comments. YeshuJah*) |
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