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Critical Analysis #1
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unrealized sketchings on an artist's canvas
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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unrealized sketchings on an artist's canvas |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon 
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unrealized sketchings on an artist's canvas thumbing through your notepad feeling something akin to guilt and a delicious thrill running through my veins like a passioned kiss on a summer night as I gaze upon these unfinished faces and a landscape half-done and I wonder as I stand there stealing a visual vacation in the world of your art what is it you see when you see me? a half finished sketch on a pad of white or a mural in the making on the canvas of your love what is it you see, my love when you see me? [This message has been edited by X Angel (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Heather Walters - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
X angel Very nice and fresh. I enjoyed it wholly and look forward to more. Good stuff. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi heather! i liked this, i can imagine it very easily. but...(mwahaha) i have a few comments what is the bold lettering about? i like this italics, you might could italicize those lines if you feel the need to set them apart from the rest of the text, it would be in keeping. like a passioned kiss on a summer night i dont think you can say "passioned" i think it has to be either "empassioned" or "passionate" i dont KNOW, but i think thats how it is. passioned just sounds off to me. also, you migth consider instead of saying just summer, picking a month. maybe. and a landscape half-done now, i know you of all people can whip out something more poetical and swanky than just "half-done" i feel myself searching for the missing syllables **hey, where'd you go little syllables? i thought i told you all to stay in one group. hey! stop pulling her hair...** sorry, im a weirdo.  visual vacation i might take out the "or" in front of "mural in the making" i like that idea better. last thing, at the end when you repeat those lines, you might play with trying to make them a couplet, see and me, it shouldnt be too hard, it might be interesting to see how that sounds. ill shuttup now  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi heather-- i enjoyed this piece a lot, an interesting theme well presented. i don't see any need for the different type faces, italics and boldface, i think your words speak pretty well for themselves as it is without the additional emphasis. i thought maybe the middle stanza could have been both tightened up somewhat and expanded slightly. "gaze" is kind of a weak word, in my opinion; "i wonder" is implied in the question "what do you see / when you see me?"; and "as i stand there" isn't really necessary information (does it matter if the speaker is standing, sitting, lying down?). on the other hand, "stealing a visual vacation" is such a wonderful phrase, so evocative, with a nice echo of the guilty feeling in the previous stanza, that i would consider making that the main "action" in the stanza, and use that as a springboard to get a little deeper in what the artist DOES see, as revealed in the notepad, before asking the important question "what do you see / when you see me?" you might consider opening the second stanza with the "stealing a visual vacation" lines, then sketching what it is the notepad that the speaker sees that starts the speaker wondering. i hate doing this, please forgive me, but something like this: stealing a visual vacation in the world of your art, in these unfinished faces and a landscape half-done; [you see such angular beauty in a child's hand, jagged trees,] what is it you see when you see me? ok, the lines i put in there were TERRIBLE, lol, but see what i mean? something like that might deepen what you've said in the first stanza, while making it a little more active. i don't know, that's just my opinion, and YOU'RE the boss here, lol. in the third stanza, "the canvas of your love" is maybe a bit cliched, i think you might be better off describing in a few swift strokes the kind of magnificent, beautiful painting you'd like to see. just a suggestion. this really is an interesting piece, there a lot of different ways you can go here and i think the tone you adopted is just perfect. i especially liked the way you phrased the question "what do you see when you see me," it's almost naked and vulnerable in its simplicity, and gives the piece a tender, charming quality, very well done. thanks for a great read! jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
great idea heather half finished sketches provoking other thoughts. Interesting possibilities - it's one of the characteristics of caring about someone else that you then become concerned about how they see you. I guess we all do our best to project ourselves in the best possible light for those we love ... this sort of raises the question of whether the speaker in the poem really WANTS her lover to see the WHOLE picture ..or whether in fact she is quite content for her image to be portrayed "half-finished" .. just so long as it's the best half .. Lol.... I know these musing go outside of the strict ambit of the poem .. but it got me thinking along those lines. I'm not brave enough to follow our the terrible twosome (they both have lawyer connections y'know ) with a full critique - and of course i agree with everything they say ......LOL..... as usual .. Just a few comments ..... i think elyse is right about "passioned" ..it isn't a word ... but on the other hand NOW it IS!! It's maybe one of those occasions when a poet can get away with making up a word - after all we all know what you mean... and it "fits". I agree with all jenni's comments especially the excellence of the "stealing a visual vacation " line and the slight cliche of "canvas of your love" - i know it must be cliche because i used it in one of my poems....... lol. Painting/love extended metaphors are quite common i think so it's important to try and introduce novel ideas, which, in the main, you have done here very well. Perhaps i depart from my sagacious colleagues a little when i say that I'm not sure about the final couplet: quote: i wasn't too keen on the repetition of "love", and i guess i just feel that if you can come up with a stunning line to replace "canvas of your love" then maybe the last two lines are superfluous - after all you used them at the end of the middle stanza. This "half-finished" idea linked to sketches and an impression of someone is such a good idea though that the poem is already excellent without these refinements .... Well done.. Philip PS elyse ..what the heck is "(mwahaha)" !!?? another southern perversion ?? ... |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
Philip.....well whaddya expect for one of my five minute poems? I dunno what got into me last night...this poem DEFINITELY needs a rewrite. Elyse and Jenni (oh and Philip too LOL)....points well taken and will rework this beast into something more original and manageable! Thx guys |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
philip, i cant beleive you dont recognize an evil laugh when you read one! I diagnose that it has been too long since you last watched cartoons. take 2 smurfs and have a poem for me in the morning luv E |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Heather, Interesting poem... I agree with jenni's advice, especially about the second stanza. She always does such great critiques, there's not much left to say after she's had a go at a poem. I thought you did a very good job, and thoroughly enjoyed the read. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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