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Serving Wench
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Serving Wench |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon 
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dodging lusty gropes and leering gazes she swung the heavy serving tray up to her aching shoulder once more the scent of ale, smoke, and unwashed men that permeated this dank hole lay heavy in the fetid air filling her with loathing for this life she led swallowing her revulsion forcing herself to ignore the grizzled man pawing at her breasts she slammed two pints down onto a scarred tabletop as she accepted a few grimy coins amidst lewd offers of nights of pleasure and comments on her breeding capabilities and even one of "being taken away from it all" as she moved on to the next table sighing wearily, knowing a long night lay ahead |
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| © Copyright 2000 Heather Walters - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
As I read, I heard an Elizabethan tune playing in the background..very vivid poem!  |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
twas my intent indeed pdv!!!  |
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Colin Senior Member
since 1999-06-05
Posts 596Callington, Cornwall, England |
You paint a wonderful picture here Heather. Wow, it's such powerful description I almost felt that I was there, swigging back half a groats worth of rancid ale from a chipped old tankard, cheering as the serving wench came by so that I could.... ummmm never mind what I was thinking there  Big smiles, Eric. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
heather nice ...... i mean horrid ~blush~ ...picture you paint here, but I'm slightly at a loss to know whether there is more to the poem than simply a well portrayed scene .. am i being dense? .. lol...wouldn't be the first time. I liked the way you set the whole atmosphere using words like: lusty, leering, smoke, unwashed, dank, heavy, fetid, grizzled, scarred, lewd, etc etc etc .... nice vocabulary ... Lol the word "scent" stood out as being a little too "light" and feminine perhaps... even just plain "smell" might be better .. but I'm sure that you can do better than that ! The only other point was the the word "this" in the second stanza sounded kinda wrong. The poem is written in the third person is it not ... "this" is more first or second personish (jenni will know the technical way of saying what I'm trying to say ...lol) ...... perhaps "the" would be better ....ie: "the scent of ale, smoke, and unwashed men that permeated the dank hole lay heavy in the fetid air filling her with loathing for the life she led " overall though heather good job Philip PS i truly thought that coffee bars were more civilised..... ... |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
Your graphic choice of vocabulary is really admirable. I loved this, especially since it is a rather novel viewpoint, given that it is that of the "wench" rather that of the "grizzled man pawing at her breasts", for example. I do agree with poertree about the "smell" word though. Uta Lotharingia "Wir wollen nicht Wert und Sinn ... wir wollen Unwert und Unsinn" Raoul Hausmann |
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Colin Senior Member
since 1999-06-05
Posts 596Callington, Cornwall, England |
I thought of a good word for replacing "scent".... how about "stench"? And do I get a free coffee for that? *cheeky smile* Eric. |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
X Angel, Nice (or not nice, you know what I mean!) poem. I definetely agree with the suggestions about scent and about "the" in the 2nd stanza. I like the descriptions "pawing" etc. Also the title "Serving Wench" is much better than a title say of "The Barmaid." To me it was at once appropriate (because of its implications of a subserviant role given to unmarried women in Elizebethan society) and a contrast making the scene more shocking, because "wench" also suggests an Elizebethan purity/virginity. -tim |
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