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Angela
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Angela |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Friendships that flicker like unstable monitors Fuelled by the fear of a life that needs light, Conceived in storm clouds and falling barometers Cindered in sunshine, oft' sundered by sight. Fickle the phrases that burn before rendering Flamed on the face but frost felt to the core, Trite and banal and illusion engendering Teach me that online can sometimes mean more! Angela Angela spell out your life to me Tell me in letters the scent of your hair, Make me succumb to the power of verbosity Spark my belief with your fingers and flair. Print on my gaze your Perpetua promises Courier kisses brush over my eyes, Bold me your feeling and show me how strong this is, Arial chatter in micro soft skies. Turn on your word wrap and clothe me in fantasy, Justify us to the centre of all, Lift me to highlights you know that I want to see, Save me in memory, don't let me fall. Reading the glide of the hawk to the hemlock tree, Reading the start of the deer there beneath, What can't you show me in prose or in poetry? What can't we share set in textual relief? Burn your designs with a bright solar constancy, Retinal sear ‘till I know only you, Blind me to all but your on-screen vivacity, Show me that only computers are true. [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
P I will be right back, am opening the shop and then will come read yer poem *hugs* H |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Philip, Philip You held the flowing rhythm of this one from beginning to end just as you did my curiosity with each delightful verse and twist and phrase. A poem brimming with little surprises. Your "courier kisses" and "arial chatter" and every other sonic string of cyber words brought a big grin to this reader. You do truly amaze me. An unforgettable piece. Liz |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Liz hit it right on, the rhythm of this really flows  As with much of your writing, I need to study it a little more to understand. But the flow and sound really sucks one in.Pete |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
Philip! this poem has the most luscios alliteration! so great. the rhythm is nice too. but i did notice a couple of places where its a tiny bit askew. if i may...ngela Angela spell out your life to me Tell me in letters the scent of your hair, Make me succumb to the power of verbosity Spark my belief with your fingers and flair so, on the first line, i would try an inversion, "spell your life out to me" to keep more of the same flow, and the 3rd line, try maybe "make me succumb to your power: verbosity" or somethin, you're a little syllable heavy as is. thats all my suggestions. let me just say that i think you have written a simply sumptuous poem, especailly when read out loud. big smiles from me  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ok, i changed my mind, that first metirical thing i said is the same beats, but i still say it sounds better my way  luv E |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Well MP BRAVO!! This piece is beautiful, and the rhythm perfect... I can so relate to this I read it quietly at first, then out loud...WOW! really loved this MP *hugs*Je t'aime plus qu'hier et moins que demain." I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow (unkown) |
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PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
I'm gonna have to read this a few more times to soak it all in, but right off the bat it caught my fancy. "Micro soft skys"! I LOVE IT! But won't you have to pay royalties now$$$$$$$ Best wishes! Poetaster D |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
Voila! Philip, Philip...I say this is absolutely the truth! You drew me in from the first with razor sharp descriptions and word twists galore. I understand this too well, the fathoms and timelessness of online relationships, be they platonic or catatonic! The way you chose the wording was wonderful, such clever ways to describe something so mundane as type on a computer screen. What can't we do online nowdays? It seems anything and everything may be experienced here if the price you pay be to your liking! The first stanza is the reasons you get into an online relationship, life is uncertain and tremulous, marriages can be rough, online is so *safe* in a nebulous haze of arial font! But then it seems you are saying, once the sun has shone on this relationship, ie meeting in real life, it isn't as pretty as blinking blue text anymore...am I correct? Second stanza speaks to me of the shallow online relationships that can form, people telling lies, making themselves out to be more than they are! (Someone once said to me...lying online is SO MUCH worse than in real life, I tend to agree )The third stanza was just plain wonderful, speaking of the longing that is so easy to inspire by words alone, in this dark lonely sphere we call earth. LOVE stanza number four, clever clever wording and so aptly phrased!! (I bow at the master of word twisting) Gawd and number five, oh we can experience so much via the net.....even textual intimacy! ROFL I assume this was a play on sexual relief yes? Surgeon General has it that too much time online can cause extreme retinal scorching LOL not to mention much heartache if you don't beware! And rofl YES all computers ARE TRUE!!! *wink* Loved this muchly Philip, I take my hat off and salute you! Kudos! ~Heather [This message has been edited by X Angel (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
I agree with all the above comments, the choices of words are great. You seemed to depart from the ridid ten syllable lines of the first stanza and some changes in number of stresses, but I'm not saying this was bad. Nice poem! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Philip, I think there were many anticipating your next work...and I can see why. My favorite Brit, you do have a way with words, and much talent. I just wish it wasn't so long in between your treats. Nothing to criticize...only words of praise. Can't even pick out a part I like more than any other. Very nice work, Philip, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
Wow! What can I add after so much has been said? This is perfect, I wouldn't change a thing. Each line so incredibly clever and snappy. Are you published yet? BTW, what concerns the subject, I can really relate, since I met and fell in love with my husband on-line three years ago, and we got together inspite of the fact that I'm in Germany and he was in Quebec! Uta Lotharingia "Wir wollen nicht Wert und Sinn ... wir wollen Unwert und Unsinn" Raoul Hausmann |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Thanks to you all .. i felt compelled to add another stanza which has totally exhausted the remainder of my creative ability (shut up laughing jim)... .... i'll get back to you all later to thank you properly P |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
philip-- a potent parade of dreamy dactyls, lol, quite a nice, lilting 1-2-3 waltz beat throughout. the fourth and (new) fifth stanzas especially were inspired and quite clever. i had to chuckle a few times when reading this, recalling your discourse with elyse on liz santos' poem about whether "toward" has one or two syllables. as i recall, you were adamant that "toward" could not be read with one syllable. well, my friend, what about "power" and "textual"? "MAKE me suc-CUMB to the POW-er of ver-BOS-it-y" is how i read that line naturally, but to make your meter work you have to turn "power" into a one-syllable word "paur." same with "WHAT can't we SHARE set in TEXT-u-al re-LIEF," "teck-shu-el" must be read as "teck-shul." you have succeeded in driving my to my beloved dictionary to check on pronunciation, lol. well, turns out it has alternate pronunciations for both "power" and "textual", so, in a sense, i guess you're right. to my ear, though, both one syllable "power" and two syllable "textual" have a "long" or full sound that doesn't quite work with the lilting meter, that ever so slightly throws the meter off just a tad; i think you'd be better off with words that are undeniably one or two syllables, respectively. and don't give me any of that brit stuff about proper pronunciation, either, lol, even in the UK one-syllable "power" (paur) has a longer sound than, say, "put," and two-syllable "textual" (teck-shul) a longer sound than, say, "textile", and it's that long sound that I’m talking about. (of course, I’m using "put" and "textile" here for illustrative purposes only, I’m not saying you should actually use those words, they wouldn't make any sense in your poem, lol.) there's one other line with a metrical problem, the third line of the first stanza. i read it naturally as "con-CEIVED in STORM clouds and FALL-ing ba-ROM-e-ters," when, for it to "fit" the meter, it would have to be the awkward-sounding "CON-ceived in STORM clouds and FALL-ing ba-ROM-e-ters." perhaps you were attempting one of "jim bouder's acceptable variations"? as a metrical variation it comes too early in the piece, though, in my opinion (the meter has barely been established, really), and there doesn't seem to be any thematic reason for it. a line like "Born among storm clouds and falling barometers" might work better there, in my opinion. oh, you might want to take a look at the last line of the second stanza, too; "online" is usually pronounced "onLINE," but your meter calls for a stress on the first syllable, "ONline." for some reason, this didn't bother me very much, though. there is, of course, your famous alliteration, lol, which i admit is growing on me, lol. friendships/flicker/fueled/fear/liFe, conCeived/storm/cindered/sunshine/sundered/sight, and fickle/phrases/flamed/face/frost/felt, all work pretty well, i thought. my only thought there is that it comes on a little too fast, perhaps, and then is pretty much absent in the remainder of the poem (at least in such grand manner; you use more "normal" alliteration in the remainder of the poem in such phrases as "perpetua promises," etc.). perhaps you could tone down the first two stanzas a bit? the first stanza gave me a little trouble at first, but i think I’m on to you there now, lol. the storm clouds and barometers were the main culprits, but i think you are describing lightning, i.e., electricity, no? it wasn't immediately clear to me that the subject of the last two lines in that stanza was "friendship;" it can read like "fear" is the subject. but that's not a big thing, i got it eventually, and friendships "cindered in sunshine, oft' sundered in sight" is really well done. to me, the poem doesn't start moving until the third stanza, and this puzzled me at first until i realized that the first two stanzas are kind of impressionistic in style, describing (with the exception of the last line of stanza 2) first "friendships" and then "phrases," while from the third stanza on the poem takes on the tone of an address to the friend. i can't quite put my finger on it, and to tell the truth i don't know if it's a problem or not, but i noticed it, and wonder if the piece might be more effective overall if the first two stanzas were more active. as it is, the stanzas are quite interesting, but seem nonetheless kind of flat. i think the use of "that" in the first lines of stanzas 1 and 2 is where it happens. the word "that" in both those stanzas signals, to me, anyway, the beginning of passages that define and describe the respective subjects, friendship and phrases. thus, we have: friendships that flicker (that are) fueled (that are) conceived (that are) cindered (that are) sundered the rest of the stanza is comprised of descriptive modifiers or prepositional phrases. in the second stanza, we have: phrases (that are) fickle that burn (that are) flamed on the face (that are) frost-felt (that are) trite (that are) banal (that are) illusion-engendering it isn't until the last line of the second stanza that the poem finds a voice, starts to give some direction to things (more on that line to come, lol). the remainder of the poem is "active," an address to the friend chock full of verbs, not merely descriptive phrases: spell out your life tell me make me spark my belief print on my gaze bold me show me turn on clothe me justify us save me what can't you show me? what can't we share? burn your designs blind me show me all very active. see the contrast with the first two stanzas? it's an interesting thing, really, something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, actually; anyway, i think this piece might be more effective if somehow the opening stanzas were more active. exactly how one would do this i have no idea, LOL, you're the poet here, lol. ok, the line "teach me that online can sometimes mean more." like i said, i thought this was were things got going, and it is, perhaps, good that you didn't wait until the first line of the third stanza. still, though, the third stanza is where you introduce the friend and begin addressing her, and this leaves the "teach me" line temporarily without a subject. who is to do the teaching? patience, dear reader, you might say, read just one line further and all will be revealed, lol. it's probably not a bad way to get out of the descriptive portion of the poem and into the more active part that follows, actually, but it just struck me as kind of naked, if you know what i mean, lol. i think, also, if you made the first two stanzas more active instead of merely descriptive, you wouldn’t have such an abrupt change in tone there with that line. i loved the five final stanzas. the "typeface" or font stanza was absolutely wonderful; i am, as ever, in awe of your creativity. "verbosity" seemed out of place, PLEASE find another word there, but other than that i thought those stanzas were great. i know how hard this must have been to write, i find rhyming to be difficult, and the dactylic rhythm is hard to maintain over six stanzas like this. well done, philip. do we have to wait another six months for your next poem? jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
This really seemed to flow from start to finish for me. It has its own melody, perhaps one in tune with my own heart (Ick corny or what?? lol) I am in an online relationship right now. We meet on 17th June for the first time *tries real hard not to chew her nails* Anyways....loved your references making simple online things seem far more than they are - very clever. I look forward to seeing more of your work Clara |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Just one more short comment.As everyone has said, your wording was quite clever, but we expect that from you. And, of course, the flow and rhyming are excellent. The real charm, for me, lies first in your use of an occasional slightly off rhyme. Second and more important, you very cleverly varied the meter just enough to keep it interestiing, without obviously doing so. I think if you had rigidly maintained strict dactylic feet throughout a piece of this length, it would have become boring, or at least sing-song like. Thanks for writing. Pete |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Philip Well, by what I've just read your definitely popular and well known for your work I'm definitely not as well educated in the use of the common word as some, but I do know what I like... simply cuz I like it Ce poeme et tres belle. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Liz thanks for your kind words, you picked out my favourite bit ..lol.... ~smile~ and thanks to you as well Pete, more to you later Elyse "Luscious alliteration" and "especially when read aloud" .. you have the knack of saying the "right" thing.. thanks. Also while I'm in the mood for congratulations I have to say that all your critiques in this forum have been well thought out and helpful - like someone else not a million miles from here you have a talent for spotting relevancies. The other thing is that you seem to have caught her habit of "always being right" ..... "that first metrical thing I said is the same beats, but I still say it sounds better my way" ... hummphhh .... yeah yeah ...you may be right ... lol...... ...thanks anyway ... Maree Thanks for reading and for the kind comment .. Hug to you to Poetaster LOL..... glad you liked "micro soft skies" ...... er .. can't think what you mean though about royalties ......... I simply had in mind "small soft fluffy clouds" ..heh heh thanks Heather "The first stanza is the reasons you get into an online relationship, life is uncertain and tremulous, marriages can be rough, online is so *safe* in a nebulous haze of arial font! But then it seems you are saying, once the sun has shone on this relationship, ie meeting in real life, it isn't as pretty as blinking blue text anymore...am I correct?" Pretty good going heather - check out my reply to jenni below for my precise intent, but you are as near as dammit there I think...lol "Second stanza speaks to me of the shallow online relationships that can form, people telling lies, making themselves out to be more than they are! (Someone once said to me...lying online is SO MUCH worse than in real life, I tend to agree )" yep ..pretty good again! "Gawd and number five, oh we can experience so much via the net.....even textual intimacy! ROFL I assume this was a play on sexual relief yes?" Heather ..!! I'm shocked ..truly shocked ..lol... how could you think such a thing of me?? ...heh heh ..... you're right of course ~smile~ but now I think about it this allusion was probably not very appropriate to what I was trying to say in the poem.Thanks very much for your input heather - it's good to know I made some sense! Tim Thanks to you as well ... Actually I thought I was alternating lines of 12 and 10 syllables (with one exception) throughout the poem ..though jenni makes some points about this (see below) ......as for the stresses ..I guess there are a few "variations" depending on what part of the world you come from!! Again see below .. Thanks for reading Kris It's nice to come back after a while "away" and have those sort of compliments thank you ~smile~ Lotharingia or Uta? "Incredibly clever and snappy" ~blush~ .....you are too kind .....published?!! .. I've only just started writing (6 mths) and I've never tried.."and so to jenni" .......... lol....I've been longing to say that phrase ever since the english forum .. ~grin~ first, thank you for reading this so thoroughly, I really do appreciate the time you spent on it ... you were, as always, spot on with your analysis of what I was trying to do with the meter and the dreamy waltz effect ..yes dactylic ..one stressed and two unstressed per foot. Now I can admit however to being a copy cat, basing the form on Myfanwy by John Betjeman, where the dreamy dactylic effect was used very appropriately .....here it is: John Betjeman Myfanwy Kind o'er the kinderbank leans my Myfanwy, White o'er the playpen the sheen of her dress, Fresh from the bathroom and soft in the nursery Soap scented fingers I long to caress. Were you a prefect and head of your dormit'ry? Were you a hockey girl, tennis or gym? Who was your favourite? Who had a crush on you? Which were the baths where they taught you to swim? Smooth down the Avenue glitters the bicycle, Black-stockinged legs under navy blue serge, Home and Colonial, Star, International, Balancing bicycle leant on the verge. Trace me your wheel-tracks, you fortunate bicycle, Out of the shopping and into the dark, Back down the avenue, back to the pottingshed, Back to the house on the fringe of the park. Golden the light on the locks of Myfanwy, Golden the light on the book on her knee, Finger marked pages of Rackham's Hans Anderson, Time for the children to come down to tea. Oh! Fullers angel-cake, Robertson's marmalade, Liberty lampshade, come shine on us all, My! what a spread for the friends of Myfanwy, Some in the alcove and some in the hall. Then what sardines in half-lighted passages! Locking of fingers in long hide-and-seek. You will protect me, my silken Myfanwy, Ring leader, tom-boy, and chum to the weak. From "Old Lights for New Chancels" (1940) Now then I wonder whether JB had the same problems with his transatlantic cousins? "Power" and "textual" ........... never mind what I said to elyse .. this is different ......lol....... power in this position is definitely one syllable but can of course be two in other instances ...lol as for textual ... that is most certainly two syllables ....... TEX - CHULL, but for other reasons i guess i may change that word .. so you'll get your way (as always) anyway ~sigh~ .. "even in the UK one-syllable "power" (paur) has a longer sound than, say, "put," and two-syllable "textual" (teck-shul) a longer sound than, say, "textile", and it's that long sound that I'm talking about." ~sigh~ again ... yes you are right about this as well though I thought it was innocuous enough t get away with it.. "(of course, I'm using "put" and "textile" here for illustrative purposes only, I'm not saying you should actually use those words, they wouldn't make any sense in your poem, lol.)" you are hilarious ...lol "there's one other line with a metrical problem, the third line of the first stanza. I read it naturally as "con-CEIVED in STORM clouds and FALL-ing ba-ROM-e-ters," when, for it to "fit" the meter, it would have to be the awkward-sounding "CON-ceived in STORM clouds and FALL-ing ba-ROM-e-ters." perhaps you were attempting one of "jim bouder's acceptable variations"? as a metrical variation it comes too early in the piece, though, in my opinion (the meter has barely been established, really), and there doesn't seem to be any thematic reason for it. a line like "Born among storm clouds and falling barometers" might work better there, in my opinion. " right again ... I actually noticed this just after I'd posted and for once we read it in the same way .. I knew it was slightly off when I wrote it but didn't pay enough attention being too caught up in what I was trying to say I think ... "born among" reads much better - I'll change it ,,thanks. "oh, you might want to take a look at the last line of the second stanza, too; "online" is usually pronounced "onLINE," but your meter calls for a stress on the first syllable, "ONline." for some reason, this didn't bother me very much, though. " I know what you mean but in this case it didn't bother me either ..so I'll leave it if I may "there is, of course, your famous alliteration, lol, which I admit is growing on me, lol. friendships/flicker/fueled/fear/liFe, conCeived/storm/cindered/sunshine/sundered/sight, and fickle/phrases/flamed/face/frost/felt, all work pretty well, I thought. my only thought there is that it comes on a little too fast, perhaps, and then is pretty much absent in the remainder of the poem (at least in such grand manner; you use more "normal" alliteration in the remainder of the poem in such phrases as "perpetua promises," etc.). perhaps you could tone down the first two stanzas a bit? " huh?!! tone down .....NEVER!! lol .....actually I was trying to go for a ceratin symmetry in the first two stanzas: FRIENDSHIPS that flicker like unstable monitors FUELLED by the fear of a life that needs light, CONCEIVED in storm clouds and falling barometers CINDERED in sunshine, oft' sundered by sight. FICKLE the phrases that burn before rendering FLAMED on the face but frost felt to the core, TRITE and banal and illusion engendering TEACH me that online can sometimes mean more! As well as the internal alliteration - I guess it is a little overpowering, but my will to revise will only stretch so far y'know.....lol ..... and moreover I did intend to deliberately make the first two stanzas different from the remainder in several ways (as you noted later on) and this was just one of those ways. "the first stanza gave me a little trouble at first, but I think I'm on to you there now, lol. the storm clouds and barometers were the main culprits, but I think you are describing lightning, i.e., electricity, no? it wasn't immediately clear to me that the subject of the last two lines in that stanza was "friendship;" it can read like "fear" is the subject. but that's not a big thing, I got it eventually, and friendships "cindered in sunshine, oft' sundered in sight" is really well done. to me, the poem doesn't start moving until the third stanza, and this puzzled me at first until I realized that the first two stanzas are kind of impressionistic in style, describing (with the exception of the last line of stanza 2) first "friendships" and then "phrases," while from the third stanza on the poem takes on the tone of an address to the friend. I can't quite put my finger on it, and to tell the truth I don't know if it's a problem or not, but I noticed it, and wonder if the piece might be more effective overall if the first two stanzas were more active. as it is, the stanzas are quite interesting, but seem nonetheless kind of flat. I think the use of "that" in the first lines of stanzas 1 and 2 is where it happens. the word "that" in both those stanzas signals, to me, anyway, the beginning of passages that define and describe the respective subjects, friendship and phrases. thus, we have: friendships that flicker (that are) fueled (that are) conceived (that are) cindered (that are) sundered the rest of the stanza is comprised of descriptive modifiers or prepositional phrases." yes .. you correctly gathered that the first stanza was indeed concerned with a description of the quality of the "Friendships". The idea here was that friendship formed in this medium are often "unreliable" by reason of the very circumstances in which they are formed "Friendships that flicker like unstable monitors Fuelled by the fear of a life that needs light, Conceived in storm clouds and falling barometers Cindered in sunshine, oft' sundered by sight." I was simply trying to say that online friendships are often a product of people driven together by adverse circumstances in real life ie a fear of their lives in the "lighted" real world. Driven to the possibly shadowy world of cyber by storm clouds in real life .... and then when real life takes a turn for the better (sunshine) or online friends actually convert an online relationship to a real one ... that friendship might easily be broken. Originally I wrote the poem without the first two stanzas .. beginning with the third .. but it seemed just too "obvious". I wanted to contrast the excellent relationship that Angela and the speaker have with "the norm" of online friendships .. so the first two stanzas were written in every respect for CONTRAST.. which is why you found them so "impressionistic" almost like a commentary. Maybe on reflection I should have changed the form of those stanzas completely I dunno. Anyway the main thing is that you certainly noticed the difference!......lol "in the second stanza, we have: phrases (that are) fickle that burn(that are) flamed on the face (that are) frost-felt (that are) trite (that are) banal (that are) illusion-engendering " yup, right again jenni - another commentary of the quality of the friendships and the words that form them.... gushing and "hot" on the face of it .. pretty meaningless and cold when probed deeper. "it isn't until the last line of the second stanza that the poem finds a voice, starts to give some direction to things (more on that line to come, lol). the remainder of the poem is "active," an address to the friend chock full of verbs, not merely descriptive phrases: spell out your life tell me make me spark my belief print on my gaze bold me show me turn on clothe me justify us save me what can't you show me? what can't we share? burn your designs blind me show me all very active. see the contrast with the first two stanzas? it's an interesting thing, really, something I've been thinking about a lot recently, actually; anyway, I think this piece might be more effective if somehow the opening stanzas were more active. exactly how one would do this I have no idea, LOL, you're the poet here, lol. " well ..you certainly analysed all this well ... its interesting that you weren't convinced by the attempt to contrast the opening with the remainder of the poem .. the whole thing was a kind of attempt at: .."here's what everyone else does ... and NOW ..here's what WE do" ...no? .. still no good?? .. lol "ok, the line "teach me that online can sometimes mean more." like I said, I thought this was were things got going, and it is, perhaps, good that you didn't wait until the first line of the third stanza. still, though, the third stanza is where you introduce the friend and begin addressing her, and this leaves the "teach me" line temporarily without a subject. who is to do the teaching? patience, dear reader, you might say, read just one line further and all will be revealed, lol. it's probably not a bad way to get out of the descriptive portion of the poem and into the more active part that follows, actually, but it just struck me as kind of naked, if you know what I mean, lol." HA HA ... that line was set there "nakedly" as you so graphically put it ..precisely to whet the reader's appetite and form the brief question "Who is he talking to??" ..after the impressionistic (as you put it) opening ... only to be answered some scant milliseconds later by the name "Angela" ..... Milliseconds are too much for you jenni? ~smile~ "I think, also, if you made the first two stanzas more active instead of merely descriptive, you wouldn't have such an abrupt change in tone there with that line. " but I WANTED an abrupt change .... lol "I loved the five final stanzas. the "typeface" or font stanza was absolutely wonderful; I am, as ever, in awe of your creativity. "verbosity" seemed out of place, PLEASE find another word there, but other than that I thought those stanzas were great." Ok lets tackle "verbosity" ....lol...... : this sort of goes to the heart of what lies behind the poem .. although I do not know an Angela online my idea if I did would be of a friendship ever so slightly "beyond friendship" ..... "friends half in love" maybe .. a kinda of half serious half playful relationship. Betjeman's Myfanwy is IMHO exactly that - playful, but at the same time with a serious side. It's important though that the friendship remains innocent, and for that reason I think I may have overstepped the mark with the "textual" allusion .. I don't like it much any more..lol ... I just though originally that the word "verbosity" kind of added to the lightness of the piece but on reflection maybe it takes a little too close to inanity, a kind of Gilbert and Sullivan touch which is just a smidgen too much ...lol "I know how hard this must have been to write, I find rhyming to be difficult, and the dactylic rhythm is hard to maintain over six stanzas like this. well done, philip. " ~smile~ ....thanks jenni and thanks again for the time you spent on this do we have to wait another six months for your next poem? Lol...... that rather depends on how much time I spend with "Angela" ....j/k .. btw..!! See ya! Clara thank you ... especially for your comment about flow ... but if you want to see really beautifully flowing dactyls .. scroll up to Myfanwy .... good luck on 17th btw .... Pete (again) HEY ..it was meant to be meter perfect ..humpphh ... "boring" ....lol ... ok ..ok I give up on this ... glad you liked it pete ....and thanks Mysti Merci mademoiselle .... i got my school's worst ever grades in French, but i think i just about picked up that "belle" wasn't about the ding dong thingies .. Thanks for your kind comments and to you all philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 06-12-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Bonjour Philip Merci mademoiselle .... i got my school's worst ever grades in French, but i think i just about picked up that "belle" wasn't about the ding dong thingies .. Your right...the 'belle' wasn't about the ding dong thingies  I was saying "Your poem is very beautiful"I got my school's worst grades in English...as a result, even though my poems seem very simplistic, every two lines I write in English that make sense when put together is another step in my ladder for me... I do enjoy your poem, some parts took me rereading many times to understand what you were saying but I consider that a compliment to the poet and adds beauty to your poem without being obvious. Am looking forward to reading others. Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unknown |
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