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i need criticism and a title
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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i need criticism and a title |
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Caida New Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 2 |
thanks in advance for answering this post, i need a title for this poem and maybe a little criticism.... Like a boat sinking softly into the bay, As bubbles surge in their last repent, the stern of the vessel, now giving way, as the old creaking wood, moans it's sad lament. Water cascades from over the sides, and the boat disappears, into the sea; and like the coming and going of tides, life is to be, then not to be. A cool breeze spreads, as though sighing, and tiptoes across the bay, like breath from the lungs, and life from the dying; the muscles relax, as the tide pulls away. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Caida - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Caida, And welcome to CA. I like your poem. It is well thought out and well developed. I think you should work on the meter just a tiny bit. To me it seems primarily anapestic tetrameter with several variations (mostly a few missing syllables). Most of these variations I think actually add to the effect of the poem, giving it some personal character. The only things I suggest working on are the first two lines of the last stanza. "A cool breeze spreads, as though sighing," is not close enough to anapestic feet, seems to be missing a foot and causes a speed bump in the poem. "and tiptoes across the bay," is fine except it is missing a foot. Now, I'll stick my own neck out and offer a suggestion to fix the flow of these two lines. I don't mean to suggest you use my words but something of your own to make the meter flow more smoothly. A gentle breeze spreads, as if it were sighing, and tiptoes in silence across the bay, like breath from the lungs, and life from the dying; the muscles relax, as the tide pulls away. Of course, this is all just my humble opinion and you are the poet. So, use or ignore any or all of it as you see fit. Thanks for sharing. Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello Caida, and welcome to CA, I liked this very much. It reads smoothly, for the most part (nice rhythm and rhyme), and though the sinking ship metaphor has been used a heck of a lot, you did a very nice job with it. I have only a couple of suggestions to take or not, as you wish, as this is but my humble opinion. In the first stanza, leave out the "as" in the second and fourth lines. Tightens it up just a bit. In the second stanza, the last line's gotta go...sorry, but it sounds too much like a take on "to be or not to be", a bit cliched. The last stanza was very well-done. The "and" in the second line isn't necessary, I don't think, but the other metaphors were great. Loved the last line. I don't know what your intended meaning was exactly, but, as I see it, this could be about the ending or crumbling of anything ... I would suggest that you make the title a hint to that intended meaning. Very nice work, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Hi Caida, I really liked your poem, especially the first stanza! Like a boat sinking softly into the bay, As bubbles surge in their last repent, the stern of the vessel, now giving way, as the old creaking wood, moans it's sad lament. I have to agree though that your last line in the second stanza is a bit too cliched. I have the habit of using them myself! lol "life is to be, then not to be." Good job and welcome! Debbie |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Caida! pretty name, hispanic? i am currently in love with your last two lines.  i wasnt bothered by the "to be or not to be" line, but i do have to agree that you have some meter problems. especailly considering you speak of boats and water, it might be best to really try to even out the meterical structure, to give a rocking feel, like waves. you've got different numbers and kinds of feet all over the place, so you're gonna have to decide which lines flow the nicdest to you. and i think, that if you just gave each line the same number of syllables, you might get away with not even bothering with using the same kinds of feet. (i promise nothing however! i will not give you your money back! bah! )to give you an idea of the syllable situation, the count for each line is like this: 11 9 10 11 9 10 10 8 8 7 11 11 i think i like the nusic of the 11 syllable lines the best, and if you choose that number, you could prbably sneak a tenner or two in there.(like line 7. i like that one) well, i think that's all i have to offer. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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gothicmoth Member
since 2000-06-05
Posts 89 |
I really have respect for some one who can open themselves up to constructive criticism like this. I, too, liked this poem a great deal and while I'm not well versed in meter, I can understand everyone's points. Especially, Elyse's in regards to the fact that boats and water are mentioned. As for a title, I thought maybe Going of Tides or use the specific thing or emotion this poem is a metaphor for. |
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Caida New Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 2 |
Thanks alot for all your replies! They were really helpful and constructive. I'm now off to nip and tuck so to speak, and hopefully learn from it. ps: if you all were wondering, the poem is a metaphor for the realease of life into death; however, it can probably be interpreted in many different ways and i hope it is! thanks again! -Caida [This message has been edited by Caida (edited 06-13-2000).] |
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m3jay Junior Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 12 |
hey, it was well written. im not very good at critiquing pewople so sorry if its short. ohh...and for the title, i say titanic?!? well, hope yull read mine. bye, matt |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Welcome Caida, Can't add much to what the others have said - thay have provided valuable and insightful advice (and the technical help I would be want to know...) I did find it an interesting paradox that gothicmoth expresses respect for someone who opens themselves up for critique... While I do wholeheartedly agree with the notion, I had thought the idea behind the CA forum WAS to be critiqued - however, one critique from me to another poet convinced me of that fallacy... Damn, rambling again... I am anxious to see the rewrite... well done overall P.S. I must echo gothicmoth's sentiments to everyone here who is using this forum for an avenue for honest critique, as was intended. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway |
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gothicmoth Member
since 2000-06-05
Posts 89 |
I was referring to the fact that this was Caida's first post period to Passionate Forums and that Critical Analysis was the forum of choice. Caida, I wish you well on the rewrite. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Don't mistake my comment for a personal attack gothicmoth. I was simply speaking to the idea that it should seem superfluous to comment on someone exposing themselve to criticism in a forum designed for just that. What strikes me as ironic is that it does not seem superflous... Trust me, I will never veil an insult if one is intended, and there was none intended here. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway |
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