»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Petals
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Petals |
|
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
|
(Death): I stand, a weakling, among the carcasses where the naivety of youth once sprung in floods of blind ambition. Their hollowed shells respire as the insects, work methodically oblivious to vile stench of carrion; the horror of death never reflects upon a million eyes. Regard these organic machines with respect, for the disease of they carry flourishes only in a world of decay. (Mourning): I offer up all the grievances my limited soul allows me to, adorning grave stones with flowers kidnapped from their earthen sanctuary. The frozen marble surface suffocates the severed stems, death resides here. Carrion petals commemorate our loved ones, the wilt transcends the body, and slowly the warmth fades as all tender petals crumble to ashes. Rest in peace dear loved ones. (Love): She blooms constantly yet still retains her virginity. Countless seeds are planted in her, she never extracts pleasure from the orgy. What she reaps she also reclaims without judgement. The roar of factories has deafened us to her whisper, we were baptised in the sacred river poisoned by chemicals of our mechanical evolution. She offered herself blindly Only to be raped at our hands, she accepted this as our perception of love. Our venom intoxicates her ecology soon she craves our deathly touch. (Final blessing); I lay down a final blessing in her name, praying in the silence an external church for her resurrection. The world has forsaken her as once God had forsaken his only son. Quietly she unveiled her beauty to nurture us, her prodigal children. We have rejected her hold for the independence of winter. Petals of humanity wither slowly into the oblivion. Man's corpse decorates the tombstones of her garden, Finally there may be a moment's silence…eternally < !signature--> ------------------------ "I've been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else"-Richey Edwards "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "Libraries gave us power Then work came and made us free What price now for a shallow piece of dignity" Nicky Wire, A design for Life. manic street preachers "Rock 'n' roll is our epiphany Culture, alienation, boredom and despair" [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 06-04-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 brian madden - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
I'm looking at this as all one piece, so if it isn't then disregard. I think the Death and Mourning should come later, after Love. Final Blessing stays where it is. My reason for this is that Love is about the earth I think, or the land, and all the things we extract from her to sustain our lives (whether we need them or not). This line, "she never extracts pleasure from the orgy." brings pictures to mind of open cast mines...and years of waste, by-products, left lying carelessy around. The rest of this part is equally as evocative of our raping the land, never giving enough back for what we take out. The very last line of this chills me..."soon she carves (craves?) our deathly touch." The other parts are about man, impermanence, going to dust, decaying (the final offering to the earth, but it is not even enough to repay what has been taken, as if a few ashes could replace the mountain that came down to form the grave stone!). Oh well, do you see what I mean? Other than this, I think it's as it should be. And, by the way, I do like this one a lot. I get great mental pictures from it and it gave me pause for thought...and that's what I think it's all about! [This message has been edited by Jana Tovey (edited 06-04-2000).] |
||
|
Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
Oops I didn't mean to post twice. [This message has been edited by Jana Tovey (edited 06-04-2000).] |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi brian! this is certainly very interesting. i have to disagree with jana tho, i wouldnt put (love) first, i would stick with (death) first. if you wanted to rearrange, you could put (love) right after (death) but i dont think you really need to. i do have a few little comments if i could... "Their hollowed shells respire as the insects," ok, i dont get what you're trying to say, hollow shells can't respire at all. im sure you knew that, so maybe is there a better way to say what youre tryin to here? "for the disease of they carry" of was added in as a typo? otherwise is there a word left out? "What she reaps she also reclaims without judgement." it seems to me that reaping and reclaiming are the same kind of action, a bringing in. i get the feeling that you meant an opposite sort of action. if not, maybe the "also" could go, for clarity's sake. and, i really liked how "carrion" carried over from the first to the second stanza, maybe you could do that thru the rest of it too. ok, ill be quiet now  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
||
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Jana thanks for replying and for your comments. I am gald that you liked the poem, As for the positioning of love It was the order in which I wrote the paragraphs. The first two paragraphs were more on general death and man's relationship to death then I focused on the death of nature at the hands of man and how as we are both linked together we are slowly condemning ourselves to death. Thanks for your suggestions. Elyse, thanks for responding. The image I had in my head was of flies covering the body moving over each other so that the body appeared to be breathing. I guess it doesn't work. Secondly I was editing the poem it originally read "for the disease of which they carry" instead of "for the disease they carry" thanks for pointing that out. "What she reaps she also reclaims without judgement." I see your point, maybe "What she creates she also reaps without judgement." Thanks for your comments, I think I worked the carrion thing through the poem though it is more subtle in the last part because it is simply a process in nature, where as the first two parts were about man's relationship with death. I wanted to focus on nature as a creator and contrast with man the destroyer. Thanks for your comments, they were really helpful. ------------------------ "I've been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else"-Richey Edwards "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "Libraries gave us power Then work came and made us free What price now for a shallow piece of dignity" Nicky Wire, A design for Life. manic street preachers "Rock 'n' roll is our epiphany Culture, alienation, boredom and despair" "To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." E.E Cummings. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Brian, First, can you please stop writing in red. It hurts my eyes. Second, I wonder if you're just trying to do much here. It seems general and vague (I like the insect parallels going on though). I kept waiting for something to happen, some moment that is a little more specific than what I'm getting here. Third, You might think about avoiding 'emotionally laden' words like 'soul' or 'sacred' or 'loved' and so forth. It's kind of like cheating. Yeah, I know, I know, you can't pick up a poetry journal without one poem having these words in them but I always find myself a little bit disappointed (even with some of the more established poets) when they fall back on these words. Brad |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
