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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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in the booth behind a man is telling a story, profanely. she eavesdrops, then loses interest, sitting in front of a cup of coffee, ice water, and a stream of smoke rising from her cigarette, perched upon the edge of a black plastic ashtray. she can't decide what she'd like, staring into the menu, words begin to blur, thoughts shift. he's here again. 'I wish you were on the menu', she says silently to the image her mind has pulled up, 'I'd order you every day'. the waitress asks what she'd like, 'the check', she answers, and leaves, with a transient smile on her face, as she imagines him as the daily special, the only item in her menu. Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-06-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ahh ~smile~ this is more like it Kris ... not got long right now except to say that this was much more to my taste (heh heh) than some of your recent posts (not that they weren't good you understand, just that i like the atmosphere and playfulness of this much better). i’ll have to come back with some more comments later, perhaps the only thing i might think about changing right now was the central section: quote: now i know you have kind of got frustrated before when people say you poems are too obscure or too obvious LOL..... BUT i just thought that maybe spelling it out as clearly as you do in those lines was unnecessary ... perhaps just a bit more subtlety.. but anyway kris .. i really liked it  Later Philip |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
I like this Kris. Don't know about you, but i often fashion similar fantasies and, for a few minutes at least, they actually make me feel better. Reality sucks - but thankfully, it's also optional. -Gonzalo |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
I like the beginning...I guess we all eavesdrop occassionaly like this - so this catches my attention and it respresents the reality in the poem (mundane, but realistic). The shift from this scene to the longing daydream is effective...I wanted it to last a little longer, though. I wanted her to linger over her fantasy. Then, Whamo! Reality stepped back in, like it does, with the arrival of the waitress, but I was glad to see the daydream continue on as she leaves. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello Philip, ~smile~ Glad you liked this, but you know there are many sides to me, and I write with all of them. We've gotta be serious and reflective sometimes, right? As for the "middle", as you say, I like it. If you can offer me a good enough argument to change it, I may consider it.  Hi Jimtoo, Glad you enjoyed...but reality doesn't suck all of the time...occasionally, sure. Stick around here a while, and I guarantee a chuckle or two, or three. Right, Philip?Once in a while, this place makes my day. So, Jim, ~smile~ Jana, Thanks for reading...sometimes everyday things are the most interesting things to write about. I'm also happy that you liked it, though as for carrying it further, I don't know if that would work. Thanks for the suggestion, though. Always appreciated. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, I haven't talked with you for a while and I really missed that. As usual, I liked this one. After a few readings, it left me feeling that I was also sitting there, unnoticed, observing her thoughts and emotions personally. I don't understand how you so consistently manage that. Thanks.Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Kris. i really liiked this. it was kinda like being privy to someone else's inner monolouge. very cool. that said (mwahahaha), i have some ideas.... there's something weird about that contraction, "man's". all i can say, is when i read it, i had to stop and be like, ok, not the possesive, the contraction. but then, since it's right at the begining, the break in the flow caused by stopping like that isnt too distracting. so, ya know. "the words begin to blur into one another, thoughts shift." i think the "thoughts shift" phrase is the cooler image, so i would focus in on that by cutting back on the previous line, saying just "the words begin to blur". i think what you mean will still come across well. "'I wish you were on the menu', she says silently to the image her mind has pulled up, 'I'd order you every day'." here, its the thought, or the speech i guess, that im interested in, so you might wanna focus more on it by cutting a little in the middle. plus, something about the phrase "the image her mind has pulled up" seems a little off to me. i would say, maybe keep "she says" and change the way you describe the image, like, "her mind's man" or something like that. dont say what i said, thats bad, but you get the idea. last thing, and this is teeny tiny and just a thought, the waitress asks what she'd like, she answers, 'the check', and leaves, you might consider putting "the check" first and putting to two actions next to each other. but its good as is. ok, ehough from me luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: A sad thought struck me after reading this: the one thing she really wants is not on the menu. I wonder of the menu is a metaphor for choices that are available to the woman (I'm talking about more meaningful choices than pot pie or meatloaf). I agree with much of Elyse mentioned. I think "Thoughts shift" is a much more concise and effective image and agree with Elyse in that I think you ought to consider trimming the line immediately preceding it. One stanza really stands out to me in this one, Kris: "'I wish you were on the menu', she says silently to the image her mind has pulled up, 'I'd order you every day'." The meter in the first and last lines is musical (first line: da-DUM / da-da-DUM / da-da-DUM / da // and last line: da-DUM / da-da-DUM / da-da-DUM) and the sentiment had an understated force to it. Nice work, Kris. Jim P.S. I suppose Pete expects us to believe that, along with being Not A Poet, he is also Not A Flirt. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 06-05-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Ahh...look who's back! Hi sweet Pete, Thank you so much for your too kind comments again. Did you see what JB said? He seems to think your comments to me are somewhat insincere, and meant to be flirtatious. I know better, though...you'd never do anything like that, would ya, Pete? Glad to see you here with us again, Kris Elyse, Thanks...you do a nice thorough job of critiquing, and you've offered me some quite good suggestions. I will probably follow up on those. Teach! It's good to see you, too. Your appearances are rare these days (still). You know me too well...choices aren't easy, sometimes mind-boggling...especially when what we want is no longer on the menu, and then we choose the wrong thing, and are afraid to make other choices. Menus, or life, can present some pretty difficult choices, and we never know what it'll taste like until the choice has been made. I have an acrid after-taste, but I made the choice, and have to do the best I can to live with it...but, as Gonzalo said, reality is optional...though I prefer to call it escape, when my thoughts travel back, or even ahead. Sorry, I'm rambling here. I think you and Elyse are right about that one line, and I think I will edit this a bit. Thanks, Jim, for reading and for your comments, Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-06-2000).] |
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