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Darjeeling
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Darjeeling |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon 
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I am fully aware that this is rough and in need of some TLC, so feel free to comment, chop and abuse  I am also wondering....your input would be awesome on this...would this do better as prose? stumbling breath pained in her oxygen starved lungs she ran on and on and on behind her deep in the trees the hound's baying faded and rose with the wind's temperamental lofts shoving the strings of tangled blonde hair from her eyes she ceased her flight to listen for a moment there! the hound's bay grew louder and once more the fugitive took up her course shunning the light and embracing the shadows running headlong through a dense copse hair catching in the fingers of the trees to pull free, and float like gossamer webs on the breeze of her haste her weary feet tangling in the roots of an ancient oak causing her to fall into the clutching arms of the thicket to the soft moss carpet floor exhausted from her flight she lay a moment, stunned unaware of her surroundings when she finally gazed up squinting from the tendrils of sun that made their way through the deepest forest to glint off time-worn crosses and drip off the leaves of this secret place to fall to rest, in golden pools on the deep velvet carpet below ethereal in their repose the crosses stood stately and strong remainders of another time the girl rose to approach the nearest grave hesitantly extending her fingers to trace the design in the headstone her blood raced in her veins as she sensed a presence a warmth near her feet fearfully, she glanced down ans what she saw there was no demon or even a driad spirit but an oversized ebony cat curling himself in adoration around her briar torn ankles looking up at her with a cool, green gaze that made her suddenly not feel so alone bending to scoop him into her arms she pressed her face to him and let her troubles be dissolved by his soft purr smiling slightly, she put him a bit away from her and drank in his feline beauty when she noticed something jewelled on his neck fingering the amethyst beads she turned the collar round and round his neck until a little gold heart came into view on the heart was inscribed in an ancient script 'Darjeeling' Darjeeling....what a funny name thought the girl with a soft thud on the ground below the cat launched himself out of her arms turning and miaowing to her to come he padded slowly into the forest after a short walk, she found herself on the edge of a beautiful meadow and on the far side, a lovely cottage with a curling wisp of smoke coming from the chimney mustering all the courage she could she moved hesitantly across the grass up the cobbled walk, between rows of lavendar to knock on a weathered old door but somehow, with Darjeeling there she felt unafraid, mostly when the door creaked open and a wizened old woman peered out from the dark recesses the girl felt a strange relief and simply said, "I've come" the woman smiled in a toothless grin and bid her in saying, "I see Darjeeling found you allright" the girl sat on a willow chair and puzzled over all of this while the cat bathed himself near the open log fire taking the steaming mug from the woman's extended hand the girl soon found herself in a haze of light and colour as she slipped to the floor fast asleep cackling to herself the old witch muttered and chanted incantations while the fire and bubbling pot danced in tune and the girl slept and slept unaware of the spells cast all around stretching and wakening the girl yawned and murmured and stood shakily weak from her day's trials looking around it seemed as if the cottage had grown or she had shrunk when she tried to call out to the old lady all that issued from her lips was a creaky miaow "Our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything." --William Shakespeare |
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| © Copyright 2000 Heather Walters - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
No, I don't think this should be prose. I think the stanza structure works well with the direct narrative going on here. I would have preferred a little more motivation: Why is she running? Why is she a fugitive? As I was reading, I found the first part to be very tight but that you started slowing down and becoming more 'poetic' when the cat enters the scene -- I found this to be a bit uneven (you could argue foreshadowing). I was hoping for a little more of a play on 'darjeeling' but then again maybe I'm just missing something (I can only think of the tea and the place -- both of which don't seem to have any connection to the story). The ending might be stronger if you gave us more motivation but I've often wondered why so many women want to be cats. And here's where I think you should do a little more thinking. I've read this story before -- but what can you do with it? How do you take this ending and make it more interesting? Surprising? What about playing with the idea and showing, I don't know, that the girl wasn't running from something but toward something? That this is what she wanted? That the witch was her mother? That she was returning to her orginal form? Of course, all of these aren't exactly original either. How about a switch between the witch and the girl? The witch, in girl form, runs off but the cat stays with the girl? This kind of fits the feels the girl had toward the cat in the first place. Just throwing out ideas, Brad |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
you used my favorite word! (ethereal) on your question about whether it should be prose, i think that might be a really fruitful thing to explore. it reads kinda prosaicly, and i think it could be nice to do a simmering kind of suspense, focusing on the running like you do. then you could flesh out descriptions and interior monolouges with all kinds of delicious adjectives and painstaking precision, and that could be a fall-down-dead-amazing short story. just an opinion  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
Brad, I appreciate your reply, I knew this was rough when I posted it...BUT you gave me some excellent pointers on my poem, I realized that I had some gaps in the poem, but couldn't put my finger on them. Soooo I have formed some new ideas thanks to you! I am of a few trains of thought now...one was that the girl was a cat in the beginning...and left *home* to become a human (for reasons of love maybe...slightly mermaidish to me tho if she did that LOL) and when things got tough, she headed for home, just like a cat! (even as far as the dogs chasing the cat) LOL but she didn't know where home was exactly, cuz she had forgotten during her time as a human...so darjeeling found her (I think its safe to say that there were a number of cats and each had a tea name LOL) anyhoo....then she made it home and got turned safely back into a feline.... *sigh* I dunno, I was restless last night and tried to rewrite this in my mind... and here is Nan on ICQ editing my poem for me and making it sounds awesome *hug* thanks Nan..... This poem bubbled around in me for a week before I could contain it into word form! And I really want it to be as good as it can be....thanks guys Thanks Elyse...I am not sure about Prose...it fits as a poem, but we'll see, I am going to work on a rewrite and see what happens, this poem has had a life of it's own from the very start ~Heather |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Heather, I think this will work very well as a poem when you get it all worked out. A fairy-tale poem...almost an epic. In the third stanza, I would eliminate "deep in the trees"...it reads a little smoother. I like the hair thing ... very visual, dramatic. Most of your words are excellently chosen for imagery. I could see this being the first of a series...with illustrations. Thanks for a fanciful, enjoyable read, Kris To Brad...I think the woman and cat analogy is wrong...men are more like cats...less emotion, have more freedom, do basically what they want, picky, aloof, you can only touch them when they want you to, etc. Women are more comparable to dogs...kept on a leash, made to perform for their "master", trained to be quiet, sit, etc., never get enough attention, lick the "master's" hand...hmmmmm, sounds like the makings of a poem. < !signature-->the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-03-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Heather .. ok .. I'll wait for the rewrite, but i can't help but say that this had the atmosphere of an E M Forster novel .. y'know the kinda thing .. mysterious languid sensual kind of oriental mysticism. I thought you already had the "right" atmosphere - please don't change that - but maybe brad is right, a new twist to the story line might be interesting. Judging by the ideas he's throwing out i guess you need to ask him what he's on ...lol good read heather philip |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kris, Can't wait to read the poem. It sounds interesting. Philip, Caffeine and too much of it. Sorry to disappoint you but I bet Heather can relate. Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
yeah .. caffeine can't be the solution she's drowning in expressos and lattes already P PS i AM disappointed ....lol [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 06-07-2000).] |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
hehehe I snuck in to eavesdrop on the discourse between you two....and I am *sheepish grin* in the middle of this absolutely eroticly sinful white chocolate silk mocha...MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM H |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
LOL....yeah well ..while you're busy being sinful heather ... quit concentrating on the caffeine and take a look at my poem ... and don't panic about the title either ..lol... P |
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