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Please Do Not Wake Him
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Please Do Not Wake Him |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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Please Do Not Wake Him Come down, my friend, come gently down To settle on the flower And place wet beads upon the blade And moisten draping bower But do not make a single sound My love is sleeping still Please fall onto the morning earth In silence, if you will Reach out, my friend, to pointed beams Embrace the rising sun Consume the warmth assigned each leaf The day has just begun Unwrap each flaunting petal wing Bathe each in fragrant balm But do not let the perfume stir His most exquisite calm Please let my love rest peacefully Still draped in midnight’s fold Do not allow your flaming light Disturb his dreams of gold So radiate in measure, friend Shine prisms through the glass But don’t cast rainbows on his face Or in his darkness pass Sing out, my friend, your morning song But trill more quietly Do not disturb his slumber from Atop the dogwood tree Restrain the wondrous thrusting beak From turning lullabies To pleasing strains that pulse aware Into his dreaming eyes I could not bear that he should wake By morning bird or mist Or roses spreading to the light Or sunbeam's playfulness 'Tis I who wants to wake him with A tender loving kiss But not just yet, a moment more To watch his slumb'ring bliss Elizabeth Santos [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 06-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Liz...this poem just seems so perfect to me....so tender and loving and the imagery is fantastic. It doesn't really matter who you are talking of sleeping; first, I thought a lover, and then I thought child or grandchild...The only confusing part for me was who "my friend" is...I did figure it out, but it caught me up at the very beginning, to where I had to go back and read to make sure I had it right. This is one of your most beautiful poems, Liz...and they are all beautiful! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
There is no criticism to give this piece, Liz. Every word belongs, every meter measured...to your love give this soon, for every word is treasured... and now I must go over to Forum 7 and post a response to this piece there as well, to let the world know how brilliantly insightful you really are... hugs, m'friend... Sunshine ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ |
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PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
Elizabeth, This poem is truely beautiful! You did a wonderful job and so eloquently described the beginning of a new day. The settling of the dew upon fragrant flowers which are opening up to catch the sun's rays. The sun shining "prisms through the grass", and the bird singing in the tree. What imagery! Beautifull done! Best wishes! Poetaster D |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Question - To all masters of the English language. The second to the last line, should it be "want" or "wants"? Wants is grammatically correct but I think Want sounds better. What do you think? To Martie, Sunshine and Poetaster. Your remarks were very generous, and I appreciate your taking the time to read and respond. Thanks Liz |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Your poetry motivates me to work harder than ever! If only I could choose my words so precisely and convey my feelings with such passion! You are truly gifted! Thank-you for your beautiful poem! From one who is still striving to find her own voice... |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
this is one of the most gracefull poems i have read in quite some time. simply lovely in every way. i think your poem embodies what it is to be my favorite word - ethereal. on your question, i would go with wants. its probably best to keep correct grammar, and besides, the s adds a softness which is what the rest of your poem has. only thing, "But don’t allow the perfume stir" something's wrong with this line. i think you need "to stir". that'd probably screw up your meter, but not too much. or you could say "let the perfume stir". i dont know why it should be different for "let" and "allow", it just is. but a simply lovely poem, a pleasure to read  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Debbie, Thank you for your kind comments Your poetry is your voice Elyse, Your suggestions are very helpful, Sometimes it's hard to know whether to go with grammar or poular usage. I do prefer "do not let", it does work better and will be edited, Thanks so much for taking the time to comment Liz |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Liz, Firstly this is a brilliant poem as I already have mentioned in the Open #7 forum. Let me use my pair of scissors now. I usually avoid this, but here I am putting up my way of looking at this one... just since I enjoyed this poem immensely... Stanza 1: Come down, my friend, come gently down And settle on the flower And place wet beads upon the blade And moisten draping bower But do not make a single sound My love is sleeping still Please fall onto the morning earth In silence if you will My version: Come down my friend, come gently down and settle on the flower, Place wet beads upon the blade and moisten draping bower. Do not make, but, a single sound for my love is sleeping still, Please fall onto the morning earth In silence, if you will. The commas would make me pause while reading this out loud, and a certain positioning of words would give me a different feel to the flowing verse. This is as I would see it to be right, but mostly might not appeal to you; for you are a poetess who writes different from how I write, and also always better... Stanza 2: Reach out, my friend, toward pointed beams Embrace the rising sun Consume the warmth assigned each leaf The day has just begun Unwrap each flaunting petal wing Bathe each in fragrant balm But do not let the perfume stir His most equisite calm My version: Reach out, my friend, toward pointed beams and embrace the rising sun, Consume the warmth assigned each leaf the day has just begun Unwrap each flaunting petal wing and bathe each in fragrant balm, Do not let, but, the perfume stir his most exquisite calm and 'and' added to the second line, a a few cosmetic changes. The only actual flaw appeared to be the spelling of equisite, I thought you mean exquisite...the 'and' adds resonance to first stanza, thats all. Stanza 3: Please let my love rest peacefully Still draped in midnight’s fold Do not allow your garish beams Disturb his dreams of gold So radiate in measure, friend Shine prisms through the glass But don’t cast rainbows on his face Or in his darkness pass My version: Please, my friend, let my love rest still draped in midnight’s fold, Do not let your garish beams disturb his dreams of gold, Radiate in measure, friend and shine prisms through the glass Do not cast, but, rainbows on his face Or in his darkness pass Check out the changes here, importantly I've dropped 'peacefully' and added 'my friend' to maintain my balance of words... Stanza 4: Sing out your morning song, my friend But trill more quietly Do not disturb his slumber from Atop the dogwood tree I could not bear that he should wake By morning bird or mist Or roses spreading to the light Or sunbeam's playfulness My version: Sing out, my friend, your morning song, but trill with more quiet tranquil, Please do not disturb, his restful slumber from atop the dogwood tree For, I could not bear that he should wake by a sweet morning bird or by mist or roses spreading to the light or even by sunbeam's playful twist A few changes made, words reaarranged, and adjectives added. tranquil after quiet gave me some pleasure to add... twist for me signifies sunbeam's happy watlz... does it sound okay? Final stanza: For it is I who wants to wake him With a tender loving kiss My version: For it is I who want to wake him With a tender loving kiss 'want' is correct, I feel. formation 'I want', and 'me wants', 'He wants', with the who added, I would use the same rules still to keep it 'I who want'... What says you? Finally Liz, You need not actually change any thing in your poem, unless you are comfortable with the changes and it 'sounds' better to you. The changes I put forward are the words and placement of words as I would have done, if I had written this marvelous piece... Alas, you did it, and I am a mere speactator, but what luck and how much immense pleasure it gives me to read this one from you!!!! Take Care, my friend, Lots of warm regards, Sudhir. < !signature--> Hey you, out there in the cold, Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me? Hey you, standing in the aisle, With itchy feet and fading smile, can you feel me? Hey you, don't help them to bury the light. Don't give in without a fight. Hey you, out there on your own, Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me? Hey you, with your ear against the wall, Waiting for someone to call out, would you touch me? Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone? Open your heart, I'm coming home.... by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) - The Wall [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 06-06-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"Come down, my friend, come gently down And settle on the flower And place wet beads upon the blade And moisten draping bower But do not make a single sound My love is sleeping still Please fall onto the morning earth In silence if you will" Liz .. I agree with everything Elyse says and the words she uses - "graceful" and "ethereal" couldn't be better chosen. This first stanza is simply marvellous. I've been reading a lot of John Betjeman recently - a master of rhythm, meter and imagery, and yet this stanza really does compare very well with even his best efforts in all three respects. The opening line is especially captivating. In the second stanza: "Reach out, my friend, toward pointed beams" I thought that in this line the meter was just a bit off if you want to maintain the sing song duplet rhythm of the other opening lines ie like this: come DOWN my FRIEND come GEN tly DOWN but not this: reach OUT my FRIEND to WARD POINT ed BEAMS I'm no expert at this stuff Liz, but it appears to me that the syllable count and the stress pattern are not quite right here. The problem could be solved by simply having: reach OUT my FRIEND to POINT ed BEAMS "Embrace the rising sun Consume the warmth assigned each leaf The day has just begun Unwrap each flaunting petal wing Bathe each in fragrant balm But do not let the perfume stir His most equisite calm" small typo on "exquisite", but otherwise this is perfect and the phrase: "Flaunting petal wing" excellent!! Please let my love rest peacefully Still draped in midnight's fold Do not allow your garish beams Disturb his dreams of gold So radiate in measure, friend Shine prisms through the glass But don't cast rainbows on his face Or in his darkness pass another stunning stanza ..... the only word I would question slightly is "garish". Garish has connotations that I'm not sure were intended here. Granted, it can mean "clothed in vivid colours" ... but more usually it implies a kind of tasteless showiness .. at least where I come from anyway ....lol ... how about "piercing" beams or some such? "Sing out your morning song, my friend But trill more quietly Do not disturb his slumber from Atop the dogwood tree I could not bear that he should wake By morning bird or mist Or roses spreading to the light Or sunbeam's playfulness For it is I who wants to wake him With a tender loving kiss" I think I might have been tempted to use ‘tis in the penultimate line ie: For ‘tis I who wants to wake him it just seems to flow better. other than that all I can say is that it's a marvellously simple and tender ending to a marvellously evocative poem ...... very well done Liz Philip |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Liz, Even though it is only a few hours, it seems that I am late in getting to this. So There appears to be no need to analyze it too deeply. I'll just say that your meter and rhyme are spot on. The imagery is beautiful and the sentiment, well, sentimental and sweet. All-in-all, a lovely ballad. Now, to tackle Philips discussion of the line containing toward. "Reach out, my friend, toward pointed beams" I understand that it's hard for a proper Brit to accept such mangling of the King's tongue but in a traditionally "folksy" piece, such as a ballad, I don't see any problem with pronouncing toward as one syllable (t'ward), in fact, I automatically did it that way on first reading. But, his solution "Reach out, my friend, to pointed beams" also seems to work well, convey the same idea and avoid the perceived problem. Bless you, Philip my friend, for helping us keep straight with the language.  I guess you can tell I really liked this one. Well done! Pete |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Now then Pete, just back and already up to mischief ..... standing in for the absent jimbo are you ..."proper brit" indeed hummphhhhh ..... anyway to your point ...... er .... what was your point ? .....ooops ...oh yes ...."TO WARD" you don't seriously think that after all the bashings I've taken in the past that I didn't consider the possible mangulation that you heathen lot over there might visit upon this poor lil ‘ol word ...BUT even you, language desecrators that you are (heh heh), can't seriously expect me to believe that you can make TO WARD ...one syllable .... c'mon ... c'mon ... play the game ...lol.... Even T'WARD is two syllables the "T" bit and then the "WARD" bit ....... I'm not giving in on this one ... even if the whole lot of you disagree .... the reader is always right ... ‘specially the British reader ......... Yours in harmony ........ Philip PS remember ... Britain waives the rules ...... [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 06-06-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
oh Philip, you should see what new and innovative ways we Southern girls have thought of to mangle the english language. we can reduce whole sentences to a 2 syllable slurring. I too must admit that i read towards as one syllable, spelled, in my bumpkin dialect like "toard". that IS my dear one lonely syllable. now you will think twice before doubting the American prowess at crucifying our own language. MWAhahahahahaha! luv Elyse |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Sudhir, I would like to thank you for your in depth critique of this poem, and appreciate your time in doing so. Yes we two do have different styles of writing, and unfortunately I am bound by my self imposed adherence to rhyme and meter, and though I believe your suggestions to be poetically more beautiful, some would interupt the meter. But some of your ideas will be applied. Stanza 1 I think you perhaps changed line 3 because there were too many "ands", so I changed line 2 to "to settle on the bower". This breaks up the ands. In line 5 changing the word "but" in my opinion would change the meaning to allow at least one sound, even with the commas setting it off, at least in my dialect. The adding of the "for" to line 6 throws the meter off a little. The addition of a comma in the last line-YES! Stanza 3; I understand what you mean by adding resonance, but again the addition of the ands changes the meter. In your writng all those things work, and you do have a very unique style which is not so bound by rules, and it is truly beautiful. Then there is that typo. Thanks for pointing it out. The last to stanzas, I would repeat what I have said, that adding words would change the meter. I like your change to the first line of the last stanza. It is more poetic. As for the last stanza, I think I have to go with "wants", since who is the subject, but I read it several times before coming to a conclusion Now, Sudhir, Perhaps someone could improve on the title. I am not fond of it. Any suggestions? Thanks again for your wonderful critique. If you had written this poem, it would sound much different, more like music. You are so gracious in your compliments and the time you afforded in commenting. And please keep filling us with your wonderful prose and poetry I don't often comment because my health doesn't allow much time at the computer, but I always read your work Regards Liz |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Philip, Thank you for some excellent suggestion and for taking time to explain them so thoroughly. In the second stanza, I like the use of "to" instead of toward. As for the meter, it is so hard for me to use meter correctly at times because in my dialect, there are so many words that have only one syllable, "oil" for instance, and "toward". I must have read this 10 times over to correct the meter and never noticed that. Thanks for catching it. But even so, "to" sounds better What you and I call a "typo", is a polite way of saying that I'm a terrible speller. I know we have spell check , but I made a lot of changes to this poem as I was posting it. The word "garish" : What I want to say is glaring, but that's not an attractive word. Piercing is good, but I'll let it stew and see if I can think of something "'Tis" in the last stanza, perfect! Thank you Any suggestions for a new title? Thank you so much. I appreciate all of your comments Regards Liz |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Pete, I appreciate your comments. Thank you so much. I never knew there was so much to be said about the word "toward". But Philip, two syllables in "t'ward"? I'm trying hard to make two out of "toward". And Elyse would probably agree that there is only one in "oil" So tell me, who is the official syllable counter in the world of poetry? Liz |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
elizabeth-- yes, this really is a beautiful poem, i absolutely loved it, one of those poems you read and say to yourself, "wow, wish i had written that," lol. the piece reminds me alot of one of my favorite poems, "afton water," by robert burns ("my mary's asleep by thy murmuring stream; / flow gently, sweet afton, disturb not her dream." i assume you considered ending the poem with a full stanza, instead of two lines? i basically like what you have, but i keep thinking that it might be better if you gave the morning bird a full 8-line stanza like you did for the mist, sun and rose, and dropped the last four lines of the current fourth stanza into a new full fifth stanza along with the current last two lines (and adding two more to make eight lines, of course). as it is, from what you're saying in the preceding stanzas, the reader knows a "punch line" of sorts is coming, so your last two lines really aren't that surprising, and they come on rather abruptly the way you have it now, which, in my opinion, kinda jars with the soft, tender feeling of the piece overall. while a break in the poem's flow at the end certainly works with what you are saying there (as if the speaker is now going to wake the beloved), it might be nice if the soft, dreamy rhythm wasn't broken at all and the poem was brought to a more natural close. the more abrupt ending you have says to me "don't wake him up, my friend; I want to do it" (although, of course, the words you use are beautiful). an ending that continued the soft, dreamy rythym of the piece, however, would seem to say to the morning "don't wake him up, my friend, I want to do it ... but maybe not just yet, he looks so peaceful sleeping there," which might work better with the piece overall. (am i making any sense here? i don't mean you should ACTUALLY say "maybe not just yet, he looks so peaceful sleeping there," but imply that through the poem's rythym.) just an opinion, of course, something to think about. i'd also keep the perfect ballad stanza rhythm of the piece even in the last two lines; i guess this was another thing i found a little jarring about those lines. all throughout the piece, you alternate lines of iambic tetrameter with lines of iambic trimeter. as i read it, though, the second to last line doesn't have four true beats or stresses, and the last line has an extra iamb: for IT is I who WANTS to WAKE him with a TEN-der LOV-ing KISS. "it" in the second to last line is stressed only because it is deemed to be stressed as the middle of three otherwise unstressed syllables, but in natural speech it really isn't, the first true stress comes with "I". and the last line, of course, has that extra unstressed syllable at the beginning. (if you use "'tis" as philip suggests, you'll make the second to last line trimeter, not tetrameter, and you'll have the extra iamb problem in both lines, actually; the lines will match each other, but it'll be a slightly greater departure from the poem's established rythym.) while these are perfectly "acceptable variations" as our esteemed moderator jim would say, commonly used to break up metric monotony in a piece, it doesn't quite work (in my humble opinion) to have them suddenly sprung on the reader in the last two lines, especially when having them set off on their own already breaks the rythym slightly. maybe this can be remedied simply by dropping "for" and moving "with" up a line: 'tis I who WANTS to WAKE him WITH a TEN-der LOV-ing KISS. (don't ask me why, but i see "with" as stressed if it closes the preceding line, but unstressed if it opens the last line.) one more thing, about "garish beams." i kind of agree with philip here about "garish," and since you use "beams" in the previous stanza, you might want to consider changing both words. maybe "brilliant rays" instead? i'm sure you can come up with something better. anyway, just some thoughts. thanks for a wonderful, wonderful read, i'm glad you shared this with us. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-07-2000).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Jenni, This was a wonderful and enlightening critique and I thank you for the effort. I learn so much from those who know poetry. You have offered a new dimension and tomorrow when I am more awake, I will experiment with your ideas. Thay made a lot of sense to me, and I thank you for your detailed explaination. You have given me much food for thought, now let's see what comes of it. Thank you so much Liz |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Listen to jenni Liz she knows what she's talking about and is never wrong.. (i'm not joking .. btw..lol) .. and i kinda guessed she might have something to say about this lovely poem which was one of the main reasons i asked you to post it here in the first place ...lol (and nope i didn't "prompt" her!!) reading what she has to say about the metrical variations and especially her suggestions for the last couplet i cannot but totally agree with everything she says elyse dunno that i wish to pollute my hitherto unsullied speech by talkin' to you ... yours primly P [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 06-07-2000).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Jenni, I think you were right. It worked. I'm not sure I like the last line. I changed it so many times. Please let me know how these changes look. "garish beams" became "flaming light". Thanks so much for the suggestions Liz |
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