»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Heaven or Hell
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Heaven or Hell |
|
|
Arlin Bird New Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 1 |
as I walk the streets of this golden place the people look at my horrible face I dont belong in this city of greatness cause my life was filled with hateness It dont matter if I was forgived I shouldnt of been the way I lived they should send me straight down to hell the way my life went I should of fell Never mind I see them coming Im so scared my heart is drumming Please dont bring me to that firey place I dont want to see the devils face Please just give me one last chance or at least give me one last glance |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Arlin Bird - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
Quite a sad lament, however the fact that this individual recognises the wrong path he/she's taken means that there's hope that he/she can change. I would change these lines: "I don't belong in this city of greatness cause my life was filled with hateness" Instead of hateness, I try hatefulness, and: "It don't matter if I was forgived I shouldnt of been the way I lived" This doesn't have to rhyme...you could say forgiven instead of forgived. You could also say I shouldn't have lived the way I did. Maybe you are trying to achieve something that I haven't caught on to, but I feel that your poem will read easier if you adjust these things. Good writing. I look forward to reading more. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
