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Poet's Lament
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Poet's Lament |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
I can make a poem about my forest But I can never make you really see it. I can tell of the trunks leaned back in lamentation, with their bony, brittle, matriarcal branches bent covering their grief torn faces. or of the thick strapping oaks spreading thier arms stoicly over the heads of the young saplings of wiry, scrappy pines, depressed and droopy dogwoods, or silent sleepy willows. But you will never See it. Even if I were a skilled painter with an angel on each shoulder and a blessing in my brush I couldn't show it to you Really. for my forest is not a poem not a painting - just trees. Not seen with eyes it is not Known. and All I could ever give is the reflection of a forest cast muddily in the dingy mirror of me.< !signature--> Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 05-05-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse you may have an uncharted wilderness inside of you but everytime you do your poetic striptease you show us a little more of who you are. I dare say if I had a flash- light I could find my way quite comfortably through the paths of your forest. Let me see you are peaceful but strong, comfortable with your opinions and unafraid to speak your mind. I would guess passionate but not in love. Very nice work and beyond saying I like it I can`t give you much critique. Though I really liked an angel on each shoulder and a blessing in my brush. Excellent stuff and as usual far ranging topics. your biggest fan forrest . [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 05-05-2000).] |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Elyse~ I knew Forrest would like this poem. (grin) Nice poem, though I must admit the last stanza seemed a little odd (to me) when I first read it. Here's my beef. These lines. Not seen with eyes it is not Known. and All I could ever give is the reflection of a forest cast muddily in the dingy mirror of me. Here we (the viewer/reader) are told the forest is not easy to describe. "Not seen with eyes" and it is "not known". But let's suppose that you were trying to say, that the forest equals a temporary depression. You are saying that a viewer wouldn't know anything about your depression or how you feel. The flaw to your thinking is that maybe we can. I guess what I'm trying to say is that perhaps Not seen with my eyes but yet well Known. and All I can give E~ you may want to keep your poem the way it is. All I'm trying to point out is that others may be able to see your forest quite easily. Yet you don't know what you look like unless you check out a mirror. Don't know if this makes sense to you, but I gotta run. best regards, bboog |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I liked the alliteration, but I didn't like the 'it's. I thought you showed a nice touch despite the typos etc. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ive never had a biggest fan before. this is way cool  BTW forrest, all that stuff you said was right, although, im not too sure about "peaceful". im certainly not quiet.bboog, lemme tell you what i was thinking with this poem. it was that predusk time where the sun has set but there's still plenty of light, so everything seems to stand out clearer absent the galre of the sun. i was sitting on the front porch looking at the trees (at this point i should tell you that i live way way in the boonies of NC, and, incidentally, in the forest) and i got this thought that no matter how hard i tried, i could never really show what i saw. you would only get an impression of it, not the actual impact of them as i saw them. so the obvious thing to do was to write a poem about how inadequate it is to write poems about trees.  hey, thanx for the comment marq. although, i need a pronoun, which do you think i should use instead? Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Elyse, Wonderful poem. "I can make a poem about my forest But I can never make you really see it. I can tell of the trunks leaned back in lamentation, with their bony, brittle, matriarcal branches bent covering their grief torn faces. or of the thick strapping oaks spreading thier arms stoicly over the heads of the young saplings of wiry, scrappy pines, depressed and droopy dogwoods, or silent sleepy willows." I thought this to be very tight and solid giving the reader a lot of imagery to work with. "But you will never See it. Even if I were a skilled painter with an angel on each shoulder and a blessing in my brush I couldn't show it to you Really." Thought this was good as well however consider not capitalizing "See" and omitting "Really" and the end. Both seemed unnecessary and the meaning seemed to come through without "Really". "for my forest is not a poem not a painting - just trees. Not seen with eyes it is not Known. and All I could ever give is the reflection of a forest cast muddily in the dingy mirror of me." Excellent ending, really liked it and I thought you captured well the frustration a writer can feel trying to convey the world as they see it to others and knowing that they will never do true justice to it. One suggestion I have is losing the capitalization in the "Known" and "All"...where you going for double meanings with this? Maybe even change "not Known" to unknown (which you probably already thought about doing). A very good poem, I really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing it, take care, Trevor |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Hi Elyse Ineluctable modality of the visable. Nice poem! It reminds me of something JP Sartre once wrote about, you can make a statue and then put it in a gallery or throw it in a bin, but you could never finish it. So with your forrest you can hold a mirror up to it, but it is the reader of your poem that the forrest comes alive, the reader builds your forrest out of air, thin air. Keep up the good work -Tim |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
elyse-- a very nice piece! although i think you're too hard on yourself with the word "dingy," lol, you paint a pretty vivid word-picture even when you're writing about how an artist can only imperfectly reflect reality. one thing to think about in this poem? especially in the first stanza after the first two lines, you might improve the flow a bit by getting rid of some unnecessary words, pronouns, articles, and prepositions. i'd also think about deleting the last two lines of the short middle stanza, putting a semi-colon after "brush," and combining the stanza with the third. i agree with trevor about maybe not capitalizing "known" and "all". just some thoughts, lol. very nice work, elyse, thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ok, im with you on the caps, and OH! now i see what y'all mean about the pronouns. you're so right! thanx marq and jenni  aww tim, trevor, you're too sweet to me. although, im kinda attached to my "Really" thankyou all soooo much for the comments (and the praise - just cant get enough  )luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i actually thought this was another poem about Writer's Block and was thrilled to read this--another realistic problem that all poets face when they write... I often feel that way myself personally...sometimes i despair on writing becos as i believe "Seeing is Believing", no matter how vividly the images i create in my poem, the reader has to be there to experience the magnitude of swirling emotions i had felt then...this is made worse by my limited skills as a poet...LOL thanx for sharing this... i enjoyed |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
I also thought this poem was about writers block and the frustrations involved with trying to get your message out in a way that others can understand. "But you will never See it. Even if I were a skilled painter with an angel on each shoulder and a blessing in my brush I couldn't show it to you Really." As a new writer, I often have difficulty finding the right words to express my feelings about something that has motivated me to write about it. I'm not very good with literary criticism, still learning, but really enjoyed your poem! Debbie |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
aww, thanxz chickies! although, the poem has undergone a few small changes since first posted ( i should really think about using that edit button, huh? ) but anyway i thank you for your kind comments, as i will never get enough of those luv Elyse, shameless praise seeker |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Elyse I thought I'd commented on this poem .. but I hadn't it seems, so it's just as well it came back to the top again otherwise I wouldn't have had the opportunity of congratulating you on a very very fine job. As it happens I'm in love with trees and forest so perhaps it's not surprising I liked it, but even so the first stanza especially is quite excellent .. I'm about to do something I kind of swore I'd never do which is tamper directly with someone elses poem ... I certainly don't want to presume to try and rewrite this, but I agree strongly with jenni's point about the, perhaps unnecessary, words in the first stanza .. so I thought I'd take a few out and see what it looked like .....lol: I can make a poem about my forest But I can never make you really see it. I can tell of the trunks leaned back in lamentation, with bony, brittle, matriarchal branches bent covering grief torn faces. of thick strapping oaks spreading arms stoicly over the heads of young saplings. of wiry, scrappy pines, depressed and droopy dogwoods, or silent sleepy willows. The other point jenni mention in relation to rearranging the stanzas is perhaps a good suggestion but i also thought maybe if you wanted (as you appear to do !!...LOL) to keep the lines in question you might actually break up the poem more to emphasise them and provide longer pauses .. sort of slowing the whole thing down..... so: I can make a poem about my forest But I can never make you really see it. I can tell of the trunks leaned back in lamentation, with bony, brittle, matriarchal branches bent covering grief torn faces. of thick strapping oaks spreading arms stoicly over the heads of young saplings. of wiry, scrappy pines, depressed and droopy dogwoods, or silent sleepy willows. But you will never see it. Even if I were a skilled painter with an angel on each shoulder and a blessing in my brush I couldn't show it to you really. for my forest is not a poem not a painting - just trees. not seen with eyes it is not known. and all I could ever give is the reflection of a forest cast muddily in the dingy mirror of me. ........ oh well ......lol.....just suggestions ... never was much good at making excellent poems better LOL..... btw congrats on the graduation as well.. Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 05-30-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thanx for the reply phillip! like i said before, i went ahead and made a bunch of the changes suggested (ok, so not a bunch, but some) and my first stanza already looked the way you suggested. that edit button is, apparantly, way too much of a hassle for me. im still toying with jenni's suggestion for smooshing the two stanzas together, im not sure how i feel about it. (see, cuz it may just be a crafty plan to wrestle away my "really"s from me, and im not havin that! ) anyway, thanx for all the sweet things you said, i love trees too, comes with livin in the forrest i guess luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Elyse, I'll try to get back to this poem. Philip, Notice how she added an 'l' to your name. Maybe you should just change it -- stop trying to fight the rising tide. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone with my 'problem'. Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
heh heh ... which of the myriad would that be Brad ? dontcha know a lady is always right .. lol..(i learned that from jenni btw .. )phiLip (..and to elyse phillip ) |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
sorry philip! ill be more observant next time. hopefully no other stray letters will appear in your name either. (i am the typo queen )luv Elyse |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
elyse ~smile~ don't worry no problemo .. i'm getting kinda used to it ... i mean i'd take our revered moderator's advice and add another except i just know they'll all start using one then .. so what the 'eck one el or two ell's or more who the 'ell cares ... philllllllllip |
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