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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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I have resisted sculpting for myself a body of Renaissance perfection. I celebrated in secrecy warming my soul in sweet sin, rejecting the holy laws for sloth, greed, lust and gluttony. I slept with Romans; worshipped empty virtues in carnal sin, we moistened our palates on the flesh of the golden calf sacrificing our salvation with brief moments of ecstasy. I've opened my temple doors and purged into its very centre, touching grace with my liquid soul, where I long to live in eternal sin. Citizens construct upon the blood and filth worship halls of apathetic glass stone. Suppress your animal need tranquillising emotions, become as commanded angelic machines. Polish your false idols, worshipping models perceived as superior. Their external masks shall falter. Enter Eden again find your peace in your own humanity. Beauty blossoms from surface to souls, GOD is engraved in flowers, whisper your sins to the wind in proud confession. In Eden's heart trees are weighted down with the apples of supreme knowledge, eat my children, open your eyes you may still retain innocence in your loss of ignorance. We feast drunk on pleasure without inhibition, naked upon one another, with fragrances secreted from our tender pores. We are cherubs, children of harmony innocent and pure in nature's eyes our physical love nurtures this heavenly garden. Yet by your austere society we are viewed as Animals, sexless, legless, and benign. < !signature--> ------------------------ "Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? " Douglas Adams. "Here chewing your tail is joy" Richey Edwards "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "Do not listen to a word I say Just listen to what I can keep silent" Nicky Wire [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 05-28-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 brian madden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Brian, You stupefy me!!! Bewildered, I remain dumb-founded, too many adjectives, eh?? Nice work, mate, Regards, sudhir. Hey you, out there in the cold, Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me? Hey you, standing in the aisle, With itchy feet and fading smile, can you feel me? Hey you, don't help them to bury the light. Don't give in without a fight. Hey you, out there on your own, Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me? Hey you, with your ear against the wall, Waiting for someone to call out, would you touch me? Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone? Open your heart, I'm coming home.... by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) - The Wall |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Sudhir WOW, isn't this critical analysis? lol no seriously, thanks for your very kind words. wow. I wanted an honest opinion on the poem, because I was sort of borderline as to whether the poem was ok or worth something, and I wanted advice to see if I could improve it. Too many adjectives, I agree. It is just I tend to write visually and usually go overboard. thanks again. ------------------------ "Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? " Douglas Adams. "Here chewing your tail is joy" Richey Edwards "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "Do not listen to a word I say Just listen to what I can keep silent" Nicky Wire |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brian-- your theme here is quite interesting and thought-provoking. your opening two lines i thought were especially good, as well as the first two lines of the third stanza. overall i thought the piece was well done. some comments, though?  in the first stanza, you say "I have resisted" sculpting the perfect body, suggesting habitual, recurring or continual resistance, but then you go to the straight past tense with "i celebrated" and "i slept," which do not carry that same sense of recurring or continued celebration or sleeping. i'd change those to "i have celebrated" and "i have slept" to keep a parallel structure to your verbs, or go to the present tense "i celebrate" and "i sleep." (or, i guess, change the first line to "i resisted".) it just seems a little jarring to read "i have resisted," meaning "i resisted on several occasions in the past and continue to resist even now" sculpting a perfect body, and then read "i celebrated in secrecy," which implies that only in the past, and not now, the speaker celebrated (or slept with romans), especially when i think you are trying to say that celebrating in secrecy and sleeping with "romans" IS something the speaker does presently. another problem in the first stanza is the change in subject from "I" to "we" and back again. you should make this consistent, i think. the second stanza is kind of muddled, in my opinion. first there is the use of the word "citizens", when really you are not referring to people as members of a body politic, but rather as members of a religious or spiritual community. then in lines 2 through 8 of that stanza come a series of mock imperative statements, almost like saying "go ahead, suppress your animal needs, etc., it won't get you anywhere" (their external masks will falter), followed by another series of contrasting exhortations to enter eden and whisper sins in proud confession. this really seemed awkward to me. i think you need to use a more consistent "voice" here. the third stanza opens really well (like i said, those first two lines are good), but seems kind of aimless, first imploring others to "see the light," then going back to the kind of description of the speaker's way found in the first stanza, finally a statement that, despite the wonderful things we do in our way, your austere society views us negatively. kind of jumbled, in my opinion. and your last word, "benign," is out of place. do you really think that "they" in the austere society see the speaker as "benign"? harmless, mild, kind, gentle? aren't the speaker and his kind those who have rejected "holy laws"? the pejorative "animals" is more like it, i think. i guess i think the piece would be more effective if the tone was consistent throughout. pick a point of view, first person "I" or the plural "we", and stick to it, and either make it descriptive (while still using contrast), or persuasive. if you're going to make it a persuasive piece, though, i'd consider reorganizing it. what you have now is basically this: we (or I) do things contrary to the 'holy laws'; people who follow the 'holy laws' suppress one's basic humanity; come to eden again, join our better way, where you can still retain your innocence; our way is more conducive to harmony and purity; yet the austere society views us negatively. i think you'd have a more effective piece if you reorganized it something along these lines: we do things contrary to the holy laws; the austere society, which follows the holy laws, views us as animals, etc., but they suppress one's basic humanity; our way is better, more conducive to harmony and purity; come join us, you can still retain innocence. see the difference? anyway, that's just my opinion, nothing more or less, lol. ok, i'll shut up now, lol. thanks for a very interesting read, brian. jenni |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
This is both horrible and beautiful. The "austere society" is missing the big point, as it has countless times before, thoughout the ages. I sense the AGES involved in this drama (you portray this well). By entering Eden again, man might regain humanity by observing those things that are from GOD (I thought this was one of the most powerful lines in the poem). But, the judgemental nature of man dooms him...he fails to recognise the examples of innocence around him in nature, judging them to be inferior (rather than superior, in tune with nature). Poor doomed man...out of step with the basic, essential harmony (evidence of which is all around him, but totally ignored). Loved it! |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
First of all Jenni, thank you so much. My God, I wish your my English teacher in secondary school or better yet my editor. I am so tempted to send you all my poems so that you can fix all the mistakes that I know are there but can't find. I went over what you said; you hit the nail on the head. I followed your advice. It is a lot better now and makes a lot more sense. Thank you Jana, thank you for your wonderful comment, I am glad that we share a similar viewpoint on the matter. I always had a problem with the whole Eden incident. First of all it portrays the woman as a temptress and anyway I think the apple is a metaphor of sex/lust. The snake could be a phallic symbol but that might be pushing it. What I read from Eden is that we lost paradise because Adam and Eve became sexual aware. This is known as original sin, which man can not escape from. He is born a sinner. I could never understand that. "But, the judgemental nature of man dooms him...he fails to recognise the examples of innocence around him in nature, judging them to be inferior (rather than superior, in tune with nature). Poor doomed man...out of step with the basic, essential harmony (evidence of which is all around him, but totally ignored)." I loved that point in your arguement. thank you again for your reply. this is the changed version of the poem, following Jenni's advice, thanks again. ===================== Anthropoids I resisted sculpting my body as renaissance perfection. I have celebrated in secrecy of sweet sin rejecting the holy laws for sloth, greed, lust and gluttony. I have slept with Romans; worshipping empty virtues in carnal sin moistening my palate on the flesh of the golden calf sacrificing salvation with brief moments of ecstasy. I've opened my temple doors and touched grace with my liquid soul, where I long to live in eternal vice. Christian citizens construct upon the blood and filth apathetic worship halls of stone. Suppress your animal need tranquillising emotions, to become, as preached, angelic machines. In your austere society I am viewed as an animal, sexless and legless. I am benign. Polish your false idols you perceived as superior. Their external masks shall falter. Enter Eden again find peace in your humanity and proclaim your sins to the wind in proud confession. In Eden trees are weighted down with the apples of supreme knowledge, eat my children, open your eyes you may still retain innocence in your loss of ignorance. Here we are cherubs, pure in nature's eyes, feasting drunk by pleasure without inhibition, naked upon one another, with fragrances secreted from our tender pores. Beauty blossoms from surface to souls. GOD is engraved in flowers. Our physical love nurtures this heavenly garden. ------------------------ "Here chewing your tail is joy" Richey Edwards "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "Will you accuse me as I hide Behind these layers of disguise And the mirrors of my own happiness.I've loved the freedom of being inside Need a new start and a different time Something grows in the space between me And it's twisting and changing this fragile body" -Nicky Wire |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
This one was more polished, but I liked the glint of the darker side that came through in the first poem. |
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