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Alone.....
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Alone..... |
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Lonelypoet Member
since 2000-05-10
Posts 123Conklin,NY,USA |
When the mind trembles and the heart aches, when you feel alone and bitter. Like the world is a pathetic place, Then my friend you know my place |
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| © Copyright 2000 Chris - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'd be leery of posting a poem with the same title as one just down a bit. If I noticed it, I'm sure others will too -- it immediately calls comparative thinking and I don't think this one (or that one by e-poet) really want that kind of thing done. It distracts from seeing the poem as a poem. For me, you've got an idea for a poem, a scrap from your notebook, but you haven't realized the poetential yet. You don't want to tell us the world is pathetic, you want to show us. You don't want to say heart aches, you want to give us a reason that we should care. In a poem as short as this, you want to be very careful with repetition. Be careful of the direct adress, my friend, it's used far too often to be very powerful these days. You've got a reversal, that's a good thing, but I wonder if you might tease this out a bit more, make it more of a fusion or synthesis than what you've got now. I think a little self-reflection (why the self-pity?) combined with some associational writing exercises could do wonders for this piece. Just an opinion, Brad |
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