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When Evening Soft Descends
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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When Evening Soft Descends |
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David2 Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 407 |
When Evening Soft Descends To hear at last, when evening soft descends, Those dulcet tones that soothe an aching breast, Then anxious solitude most surely ends, And freely we’ll resume our lover’s quest. We’ll journey to our private rendezvous, Where hours spent must seem as seconds lost. To revel in those wonders that ensue, And love until our energies exhaust. And then with deep regret we’ll take our leave, Mid promises to meet again anon. In dark repose we’re left alone to grieve, Till vestiges of what we’ve shared are gone. Return to me then with the setting sun, For braided hearts as ours must beat as one. |
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| © Copyright 2000 David William La Belle - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
David2, A very lovely sonnet...perfect in meter and rhyme. Your word choices are excellent, also. I loved the couplet. A fine example of a romantic sonnet, in my humble opinion.  Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Well-crafted, and beautiful sonnet! |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
I think this is an excellent sonnet. The word 'dulcet' was used by Colridge, was it not? The sonnet is almost perfect in form it flows very well, with only the possible exception of 'rendezvous.' |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
A beautiful, perfect sonnet to my ear, David, including 'rendezvous'. Is there more than one pronunciation of this word? Denise |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
david2-- this is a nice sonnet, with perfect meter and nice rhymes. "Where hours spent must seem as seconds lost" is a great line, i thought (although i think you should have a comma, not a period, at the end of that line). some thoughts though? i read the first quatrain, shorn of all modifiers, as saying "to hear those tones, then solitude ends, and we will resume our quest." this sounds slightly awkward to me. "to hear" evokes something of a wish, something longed for, which is fine, but the sentence ends with the imperative that solitude ends (indeed, "most surely" ends), and that the lovers will resume their quest; in other words, the sentence slips from the unsure, the conditional, into something certain. it would make more sense, i think, if, putting questions of meter aside for the moment, you were to say "when i hear those dulcet tones, then solitude surely ends, and we resume our quest." (if you did this you'd have to correct the future tense all through the remainder of the poem, too, which might actually give it a nice feel; you'd have to make the first line fit the meter, too, of course.) but, keeping your first line as is, it might be better if the third line read "then anxious solitude will surely end," keeping things firmly in the future. i have a similar problem with line 11, when you say "in dark repose we ARE left alone to grieve." it just doesn't sound right to me, to say that we WILL resume our quest, we WILL journey to our rendezvous to revel in wonders, we WILL take our leave with promises to meet again, and we ARE left alone to grieve. something like "in dark repose we'll part, alone to grieve" might be better there, i don't know. "anon" is perhaps a bit too archaic, nobody actually says "anon" anymore, lol, but i guess it's "poetic." braided hearts beating as one is a bit cliched, but otherwise your couplet is nice. oh, one more thing, i think "lover's quest" should be "lovers' quest." nice work, though, david, thanks for sharing it with us. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-22-2000).] |
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David2 Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 407 |
Jenni, Thank you for your response. You are absolutely correct about the comma at the end of line six as well as the lovers' quest correction. However I cannot agree with your interpretation of the first quatrain. Perhaps I was a bit vague but that was only because I am totally aware of what these words mean. My love and I are forced to remain separate with nightly phone calls our only respite from loneliness. When her voice finds me then solitude does surely end and we do resume our lovers' quest. I also agree that line eleven might be worded better. Once thank you for your well thought criticisms. David2 [This message has been edited by David2 (edited 05-22-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
david-- thanks for replying! let me clarify something in my earlier comments. my point with the first quatrain was that it was grammatically awkward. you say, when writing naturally in your reply, that "when her voice finds me then solitude does surely end and we do resume our lovers' quest." notice that you do NOT say "solitude does surely end and we WILL resume our quest," like you do in the sonnet. my point is that, in my opinion, it should be either "then anxious solitude will surely end, and freely we'll resume our lovers' quest," OR "then anxious solitude most surely ends, and freely we resume our lovers' quest" (with corresponding changes to other "we will" constructs in other lines). either way is fine, but i think the poem would be more effective if you didn't mix up the tenses there, is really all i was saying. sorry if i'm confusing you, it's been a long day, lol. jenni |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
David... geez... you're versatile! From children's poetry to love sonnets! You're rhyme, meter is perfect... your message lovely! most effective lines, "Return to me then with the setting sun, For braided hearts as ours must beat as one. love the image of 'braided hearts'... well done only suggestion i have is "Mid" should have an apostrophe before it and "Till" should have an apostrophe before it and only one L. stickler, ain't i? now this kinda thing doesn't count for me because i'm just an unstructured rambler a lot of the time. LOL great work! |
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