»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
For Paul
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
For Paul |
|
|
Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
You!! The wind runs its gentle, sensual hand through my hair, It traces the outline of my face and my lips Our bodies are draped together Lying motionless Our faces buried in each others hair The only sound is our breathing Wisps of hair are lifted and fall with our breaths Outside the street lamps cast their faded light, but does not touch us The paper you twist in your fingers are delicate like slender clouds The magic is sleeping all around us It flows through us The outlines of things start to fade and blur And the light scattered across the Horizon burn in spiral pattern The pain of yesterdays mistake is gone And the laughter and hapiness I thought was lost gathers in my throat You make me see the beauty in everything Your flesh against my flesh Your skin is branded against my skin My lips are seeking your soul Fingertips endlessley, tenderly circle over my body This is our true peace This is out beauty |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Kirsty O'Hara - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kirsty-- a very romantic, evocative piece! i especially liked "the light[s] scattered across the / Horizon burn in spiral pattern", very nicely done there (although i do think you need to make "light" plural). a few thoughts and suggestions? you could really make this piece sing by including some more interesting descriptions here. instead of just saying "our faces buried in each other's hair," or "the only sound is our breathing," you might think about describing what those things feel or sound like; instead of simply saying "the laughter and hap[p]iness / I thought was lost gathers in my throat," you might try something more vivid, like "the songbird's throaty melody / I thought was lost sings in me again", something like that (ok, not very good, but you see what i'm getting at, no?). the piece is also a little wordy; you can make it tighter by eliminating some of the smaller words throughout, for example: The wind runs its gentle, sensual hand through my hair, Tracing the outline of my face and lips; Our bodies draped together, Lying motionless, Faces buried in each others' hair and so on. you also might want to think of fresh, powerful ways to say things like "the pain of yesterday's mistake" and "my lips are seeking your soul", these are a little overdone in poetry and don't really say much anyway, in my opinion. there are numerous spelling and grammatical mistakes, which really detract from the atmosphere you're trying to create here; a little proofreading before you post would be good. all in all, though, this was a really nice piece, tender, sweet and dreamy. thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I actually liked that first "You!!!". It shouts at you and caught me off balance for a second -- that's a good thing. Watch the typos. You can edit a poem here. Don't be afraid to use it. As Jenni pointed out, you have some interesting things going on with the lights but you haven't quite shown us what is so unique about this situation -- what makes it special or different from what many of us experience or have experienced in our lives. Give us more indiosyncratic detail, describe Paul -- not just your emotions. The use of soul doesn't work here (hint -- the use of soul never, never works for me  ) as it seems you're trying to put a 'deeper' meaning to something that, in my opinion, doesn't need it. Sensuality is a powerful emotion -- it doesn't need help.Good lines: Outside the street lamps cast their faded light, but does not touch us The paper you twist in your fingers are delicate like slender clouds The outlines of things start to fade and blur And the light scattered across the Horizon burn in spiral pattern (Don't be afraid to write in more common English -- use that indefinite article, damn it -- that's a joke by the way)Some not so good lines: You make me see the beauty in everything Your flesh against my flesh Your skin is branded against my skin --too vague and insubstantial This is our true peace This is our beauty --You want to create this feeling in us so as to make these words superfluous. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
Jenni Thanks. Sometimes I am little worried about posting in here.. But basically you have seen it as it was intended to come across, romantic, evocative and dreamy..  Brad You know I never even checked for typo's....lol... Guess that I should do that..And don't I feel privilaged being critisized by a moderator... j/k... (think I picked a sad and sarcastic day to be doing this..) Thanks Brad and Jenni, Next time I write something I will be sure to use your ideas. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
