»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Cages
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Cages |
|
|
Cyndol Claycamp Junior Member
since 2000-05-17
Posts 12 |
Title: Cages I never used to ask where to go what to do. It just came natural wake up, go to school tennis do home work then dinner and bed. Then one day you walked in with the key to my cage. You opened me up and showed me I could do anything. Then you left me but I am still free and can see all those in cages now. All my peers but the leaders have thrown their keys out of reach so they can not unlock themselves. I feel I breathe I bleed I hurt. I do all these as others do. But so different am I . I am not a stranger to any. I feel most from being alone. All the different I am is in one word but means many. Freedom to be able to do anything and feel and think what I want. But I still can’t do everything for I can’t fit in with all. But there is a price for everything for those I am different from lock themselves in a cage unable to do everything they wish But I do not stay with them for I march on my own path alone and afraid While hearing words that bring pain to me from those behind because of their envy. But I will show no fear as I walk a head though no one walks with me. |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Cyndol Claycamp - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello, Cyndol. Welcome to Critical Analysis. I liked the subject matter of your poem but I think you should try to move away from generalities and into the specific. "Then one day you walked in with the key to my cage. You opened me up and showed me I could do anything. Then you left me" In these lines you introduce "you" but you don't tell us anything about him. Who is "you"? How did "you" open up the cage? Why did "you" leave? I see many possibilities here. "But so different am I . I am not a stranger to any. I feel most from being alone. All the different I am is in one word but means many. Freedom to be able to do anything and feel and think what I want." I think you should give the reader more about this much vaunted "Freedom". What is it? How does it make you feel? What do you do with it? "But I will show no fear as I walk a head though no one walks with me." I liked the ending but I think I would have liked it better if I knew what it was you were walking away from or what exactly makes walking alone worth all of the trouble that goes along with it. I like the determination that you communicate but the lack of details makes it difficult for me to identify with the challenges you are facing. I think the poem could be improved a great deal if you focused more on specifics. Jim |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
cyndol claycamp-- i gotta agree entirely with jim here, so i won't repeat. while i could identify, in a general sense, with what you're saying here, the piece didn't really carry much emotional impact. i should add that your punctuation is pretty uneven throughout, and some of your lines are confusing (for example, "I am not a stranger to any;" i think you mean not a stranger to any of the feeling, bleeding, breathing, and hurting identified a few lines earlier, but it reads at first as if the speaker is not a stranger to any of "the others" referred to two lines earlier). and do you "walk a head" like you would walk a dog? proofreading before you post is always a good idea. still, you have a good theme here. thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
||
|
doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
i'm not too good at long critiques... sorry... but will say the 'caged' metaphor works well... like to see you 'show' rather than 'tell' so much... enjoyed the read and the concept... thanks |
||
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Cyndol, I left a comment on this poem in open forum 7. great poem, really enjoyed it. |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Doreen: I'm curious ... about the "shows" rather than "tells" thing ... I just finished re-reading Beowulf (an epic) and the "Morte d'Arthur" and both could be described as poems that "tell" moreso than "show" and I'd like to know why you prefer that a good poem "show" more than "tell"? Again, just curious. Jim |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
