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Critical Analysis #1

walking

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

0 posted 2000-05-14 07:40 PM

as we listen
to ourselves,
play me a walk to sing by,

where together
we can hold hands with the night
and laugh like children
with the owls

where together
we can discover
at the edge of the boundary stream
a moonlit flower,
our faces so close, framed
in a single petal.

it is this that brings us life;
it is this
that walking sings of.

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

1 posted 2000-05-15 01:38 AM

this is nice jenni.

  but i actually think that this might could do with a little more.  (rare huh?)  to give you a for instance,

in the frist stanza, you could talk more about the listening, maybe its quality or its sound or feel.

then maybe talk more about what you do with the night or the owls

maybe give the flower a color or a texture

thats all.   just  little beefing up might be nice.

luv Elyse

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then . . . . I contradict myself;
I am large . . . . I contain multitudes.
-Papa Walt

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

2 posted 2000-05-15 02:43 AM

hey elyse--

yeah, it needs something else, lol. every time i read it i think of something to do to it, the "listening" and the "flower" parts especially, and others too.

thanks for your comments!

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2000-05-15 12:32 PM

jenni,

Please don't take this as criticism; it is only an observation, and mine, at that.

I enjoyed the read, the imagery, but this was not quite a "jenni" poem. I loved the last three lines of the third stanza - they are you - the unique imagery that you seem to
be able to capture.

The makings of an excellent piece are hear, but like Elyse, and you yourself, said, something's missing.

Looking forward to an edited version,
Kris

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

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