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Two Ducks
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Two Ducks |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
In a car belted to a seat with the modern comforts of a comfortable man: conditioned air, cup holder, reclining seat that has memorized my bad posture, I relax in a parking lot overlooking what we up built have as a distraction towards what needs to be done. There are mistakes nearby and I can hardly believe we overlooked them: a small pond furred with blonde weeds, a tree half pulled into a watery grave (on its back, clenched toes curled desperately into slow breaking land), with young buds blooming like children born on a sinking ship. A black suit red shirt bird stumped on a log, unsure of where it has gone to find uncertainty. Two ducks, in love or lost or neither, arch their backs and with outstretched wings and dangling legs press in on the sky forcing out glide, toeing for rest until no flight is found. They chum with each like animate bath tub friends spending a bill's worth in thoughts and appear to be as happy as every duck whose thoughts I pretend to know. I watch and imagine they have forgiven me for changing their life just as I have them for ignoring mine. [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 05-09-2000).] |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Trevor, I like your "clenched toes curled deperately." I seems to me pretty clear what the poem is saying, and the images seem appropriate. Also the widely varying line lenghths, which one might expect to cause troubles, seemed to me to work well. -Tim |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
trevor-- i thought this was great. some lines or phrases that i really liked: modern comforts of a comfortable man a tree half pulled into a watery grave (on its back, clenched toes curled desperately into slow breaking land), with young buds blooming like children born on a sinking ship [thought these lines were particularly good] the whole of the last two short stanzas, especially "animate bath tub friends," lol, and a "bill's worth of thoughts" (nice play on "bill"). the "black suit, red shirt bird...unsure of where it has gone to find uncertainty" i wasn't too crazy about, i thought this was maybe a little muddled. the word "it" refers to the bird? or what? and the bird is a robin, no? i like the parallel in the description to a man in a suit looking at the pond and wondering what has happened, but maybe you might try another kind of bird in there, something like "a mockingbird in grey flannel suit, / stumped on a log" etc. i don't know, just a thought. loved the last four lines, very nicely done. good stuff! thanks for sharing it with us. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-09-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Tim, Thanks for your comments. I like to use varied line lengths quite often, I find it unfair to ideas if one concentrates too much on the meter of a poem. Not to bore you but I find poetry line lengths much like the ocean, when calm and consistent it can flow just like when it is rolling up and down it can also flow. Let the idea use a format rather than a format use an idea type of stuff. Thanks again. Jenni, It's good to see you posting again. You were on hiatus just before I took mine so I haven't had a chance to read any of your work up until yesterday. Thank you for your comments, "the "black suit, red shirt bird...unsure of where it has gone to find uncertainty" i wasn't too crazy about, i thought this was maybe a little muddled. the word "it" refers to the bird? or what? and the bird is a robin, no?" I'm not completely crazy about that line either, already re-wrote it a few times and eventually just left it in as is. I'm not sure what kind of bird it really was, had dark black feathers except for its breast which was a rich red. "i like the parallel in the description to a man in a suit looking at the pond and wondering what has happened, but maybe you might try another kind of bird in there, something like "a mockingbird in grey flannel suit, / stumped on a log" etc. i don't know, just a thought." Didn't intentionally try and draw a parallel between me and the bird. Amazing sometimes how unintentionally a poetic layer is formed and missed by the author but picked up by the reader. The idea I was trying to convey was that this bird looked lost (darting its head all around) and it seemed that it would be interesting if this bird, who might be confused, would be thinking "what is this place I have gone to be lost in?" The reason I didn't use a different bird was because I was trying to keep as honest to the events that transpired. I was sitting in the parking lot of a Theatre Complex and there was a small pond area no bigger than a large living room surrounded by a city skyline and two ducks flew into the pond while this little bird darted around....and I thought to myself sarcastically, some city planner must have made a mistake by allowing such a thing to actually exist in OUR concrete society? Anyways, thanks for your input, always appreciated, I will ponder more on the bird thingy. Plus, if you have time could you check out the revision I made in the first stanza and tell me what ya think? Should it stay as is or revert to the original? Take care, Trevor |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
This is one of the very best poems I have read. I loved it and don't think it could be improved right up to and including the line: "with outstretched wings and dangling legs" But after that I thought the whole ambience of the poem changed, as if you perhaps got distracted, focussing to heavily on the ducks wheras the rest of the poem was you gazing around (and the descriptions are just brilliant imho!) If it was me I'd want the ducks just getting the hell outa there and then me doing the same! Thanks Trevor - especially loved: "with young buds blooming like children born on a sinking ship" & "I relax in a parking lot overlooking what we up built have as a distraction towards what needs to be done" (although if it was me I'd say: I relax in a parking lot overlooking what we have built as a distraction from what needs to be done) I liked: "A black suit, red shirt bird," - though I'd lose the comma after suit and leave it kinda Beefheartian! A black suit red shirt bird But overall - I adored it! |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Allan, Thanks for the kind words, "This is one of the very best poems I have read." You haven't read much poetry have you?  One of the nicest compliments I think I've ever recieved especially considering some of the talent here."But after that I thought the whole ambience of the poem changed, as if you perhaps got distracted, focussing to heavily on the ducks wheras the rest of the poem was you gazing around" Though the poem has a nature feel to it I wasn't really trying to make it a nature poem and the birds and wildlife are only a backdrop to the real story. I guess there is more focus in the poem on the ducks because when this happened I focused more on the ducks than the rest of the moving picture. "(although if it was me I'd say: I relax in a parking lot overlooking what we have built as a distraction from what needs to be done)" Funny you should mention this because that was the alteration I was talking about with Jenni. Your suggestion is almost exactly how I had it as originally.... "I relax in a parking lot overlooking what we, the evolved selves, have built as a distraction from what needs to be done." I liked your suggestion for the black suit red shirt line and will use it. Thanks for your comments and suggestions, take care, Trevor |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Trevor, This is certainly one of your finer efforts. I'm glad to see you writing on this level. The first half of the poem, almost every line is a lesson in how to write poetry, but the last half the lines do not maintain the same brilliance. Still this is first rate writing and it's difficult to be perfect with every line. That's why we keep trying I guess.  ) |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
(sigh) trevor, this was wonderful! so hard to find things to suggest! but (gasp, surprise) i think i have something. but to list the parts i loved first - i like the repeating of comfort in that line. it just works. i love the staccato passages (Ex. up/built/have and black suit red shirt bird). in fact, i think the whole "mistakes" stanza is amazing now, for the critiquing part  i dunno, something seems slightly amiss with this line to me "unsure of where it has gone to find uncertainty." maybe its the repeated unsure words. in your next to last stanza i would say they chum with each other like rubber bathtub friends because i think you just need the "other" and always try to allude to Ernie and his rubber duckie (youre the one...) whenever possible  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
(sigh) trevor, this was wonderful! so hard to find things to suggest! but (gasp, surprise) i think i have something. but to list the parts i loved first - i like the repeating of comfort in that line. it just works. i love the staccato passages (Ex. up/built/have and black suit red shirt bird). in fact, i think the whole "mistakes" stanza is amazing now, for the critiquing part i dunno, something seems slightly amiss with this line to me "unsure of where it has gone to find uncertainty." maybe its the repeated unsure words. in your next to last stanza i would say they chum with each other like rubber bathtub friends because i think you just need the "other" and always try to allude to Ernie and his rubber duckie (youre the one...) whenever possible luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
oops! sorry! |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
trevor-- i kind of liked the first stanza the way you had it before, but that's just me, i think; what you have now with the "up / built / have" is clever, i'm just not a big fan of "tricks" like that. in addition, i'm not sure it really goes with the style of the rest of the piece; this may be indirectly responsible for allan and marq thinking that the second half of the poem isn't quite as good as the first? obviously i can't speak for either of them, but the latter portion of the piece in its current incarnation does have a slightly different feel than the opening parts, something i, at least, didn't see when i read the original version. on the other hand, so what? lol like i said, what you have now is clever and interesting, and reads well both down and up. the stylistic difference may not matter; the first part describing the speaker sitting in the car is more artificial and contrived than the part describing the ducks in the pond, but this can work well with your theme here. well, there ya go. like i said, i'd bring back your original version, but you, of course are the boss, lol. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-10-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Trevor, Thanks for the poem. I needed that. Isn't this a rewrite of something you've done before? I liked this one better. Well done. It brought a smile to my face with the ending. Glad to have you back, Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, MARQ "Trevor, This is certainly one of your finer efforts. I'm glad to see you writing on this level. The first half of the poem, almost every line is a lesson in how to write poetry" Thanks Marq, don't know what else to say for such a generous compliment. "but the last half the lines do not maintain the same brilliance." Though I wouldn't say brilliant for any of it....I gotta give credit to the ducks for appearing at the right moment I will have to agree with you that the last two stanzas are the weaker parts of the poem. Your comments made me take a closer look at that, many thanks."Still this is first rate writing and it's difficult to be perfect with every line. That's why we keep trying I guess." I thought it was for the money and fame? ELYSE: "i dunno, something seems slightly amiss with this line to me "unsure of where it has gone to find uncertainty." maybe its the repeated unsure words." Jenni also picked up on the clunkiness of this part and I agree with both of you. To be honest it was a bit of a forced line on my part but now that I have the idea of it in there I want to keep it... but I'll have to find a way to reword that thought. "they chum with each other like rubber bathtub friends because i think you just need the "other" and always try to allude to Ernie and his rubber duckie (youre the one...) whenever possible." Too funny While I wrote that line Ernie and rubber duckie did enter my mind I like your suggestion and might just float it in there...float...rubber duckie...get it....uggg! Morning humor is the worst, no jokes should be told before eleven or before at least three cups of coffee. Thanks for your comments. JENNI: Thanks for taking the time to re-read this one. "i kind of liked the first stanza the way you had it before, but that's just me, i think; what you have now with the "up / built / have" is clever, i'm just not a big fan of "tricks" like that." I had a feeling you'd say that. I think you've scolded me before when I attempted cheap vaudvillian gimmicks. "in addition, i'm not sure it really goes with the style of the rest of the piece;" Yeah I agree. I'll probably change it back later. I try to please all the readers which is an impossibility which leaves me stuck at what is the most effective way to please the majority of people...where is the point that would turn off some but will interest others and where is the happy medium where all might be interested....or should I say damn them all and just write and only hope that others will like it? Thanks again for taking the time to help me with this poem, much appreciated. BRAD: Oh monsignor(sp?) Ogre, Not to slap you with a white glove or anything like that but..."Trevor, Thanks for the poem. I needed that. Isn't this a rewrite of something you've done before? I liked this one better. Well done. It brought a smile to my face with the ending."....could you be any stingier with the word count on this critique? Are you saving the syllables for your Nobel Prize speech or something?? Actually it isn't a rewrite though the car part is similar to another car scene in my poem "The Low Brown Sky"..... "The green tree shaped air freshener sporadically jangled from my rear view mirror scentedly reminding me of a forest I once knew that nursed a children's game, hiding those who were sought after a hand blind count of thirty and waggled maestronic, wind powered limbs to the ebb of wild tuned symphonies scoring a climatic event. It built me as I cut it down into a subdivisioned man with a manufactured freshness beneath a low brown sky, (driving a car that does not breath)." I guess the themes are kinda similar and some of the style the same so I'll let you go with the cerimonial chopping off of the pinky finger. Thanks Brad and thank-you again to everyone else. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Trevor, I really, really loved this!! Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Trev, Seriously now, or as serious as I can get, I did really like this over-all. Excellent imagery, and you are right; the beginning does echo of "Low Brown Sky". I liked the rationalizing self-talk of what has been done, especially the ending. Just a couple of little things I might change (IMHO, of course): "dangling legs" - Don't birds pull up their landing gear? Don't care for the bathtub buddy thing - it's cute, but doesn't fit here. I loved these lines: "A black suit red shirt bird stumped on a log, unsure of where it has gone to find uncertainty" A very nice slice of life. Glad to see you back, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Snb4everm Junior Member
since 2000-05-15
Posts 38 |
Trevor, this is the first of your peos that I have read. Looking forward to reading the others. Very melodious. It just kind of flows right from the first word. Keep up the good work. Angela |
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