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The Cellular Phone Conspiracy
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Cellular Phone Conspiracy |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The kitchen was too close, distracting my Attention from my wife and part of me Concluded: not such a bad thing, Not such a bad thing at all. The clash of glass on the floor, accusations In different languages trying to escape The blame so as to keep their jobs one more day. I jerked my head to a scale run and then To some distorted version of Beethoven's ninth From two cell phones exploding near our table Where a couple had just been seated. At the end of the bar, a man was shaking, looking At his phone -- checking and waiting, and cursing And checking obnoxiously. The bartender Did nothing, nothing at all. When I complained to my spouse, she gave a nod, Noncommittal as always, uninterested in my Opinions, lost in unfathomable thoughts. The maitre de with sweat on his forehead Walked toward our table, stopped nervously, And apologized for the commotion; but when I mentioned the phones, his eyebrows furrowed. He gave a nod, noncommittally, And went to argue with our waiter. I heard the distant rings around the restaurant And saw each couple talking to their connections. I saw them laugh together. I saw one nod As one spoke, then the other speak to the other's nod. I took my device from my pocket and with Uncoordinated fingers, I pushed the small buttons To create a brittle sound from my wife's purse. "What took you so long?" She smiled and touched My hand, which held the phone, her foot released From her shoe began to tease my ankle, And I concluded: this isn't such a bad thing, Not a bad thing at all. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
LOL what imagery here --) Enjoyed the read Brittle sound from her purse? I don't have a cell phone and have never heard one ring - -is that what it sounds like? netswan |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Why don't you find out? Brad |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Brad, I like the idea in this poem. It is very narrative and prose-like. I liked the way that breaking the 2nd line off short gives the effect of "my wife and part of me" as well as "...my wife and part of me concluded..." See what I mean? I can't believe anyone has never heard a cell phone. Netswan, are you pulling out leg a little? Anyway, this poem was romantic and original. Nicely done. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kirk, Thanks for the comments. Glad you noticed that particular point. Netswan, Forgot to say thanks. I thought you were just playing around with the innuendo.  Brad |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
This one's scary to me. 1984'ish sort of in some weird kinda way. Just the whole cell-phone talking thing, taken to such an extreme in your poem, gives it a surreal feeling to it. I like that. Also, reminds me of Camus (can't think of his first name now, but he wrote "The Stranger"). Existentialist in style, that is. You capture the moment. The second stanza doesn't seem necessary, but I guess that's part of the existentialist idea (if that's what you're going for). I don't like the way it's worded. No ideas, just throwing out a thought. Nothing else, and if my words seem a little disjointed, blame that on Harrison Ford running around in the background trying to save Air Force One. *grins* Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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KF New Member
since 2000-05-12
Posts 8 |
i like this poem very much. the disconnection of people through technology seems to be an ever growing problem. throughout the poem i get the feeling that the speaker was quite confused and dismayed by the phones. i dont quite understand what you mean when the speaker sort of gives in and joins the others with their phones. from the beginning i get the feeling of disgust from the speaker, but then he relents and admits, "this isnt such a bad thing." however, i quite like the idea of your poem--the feeling of being caught in the middle of something incomprehensible. excellent work KF |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
B~ If you can't beat them, join them. I liked Ryan's response, I had the same 1984ish feeling about this poem where people are so disconnected that they use cell phones to talk with one another. The phones exploding? I didn't really buy that - but I would believe people exploding during animated conversations, if that makes any sense. Perhaps add a few smells to this poem? spilled beer and burnt circuits? I liked the ideas, suggest that you work on the opening a little more. best regards, bboog |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Brad! i was reserving my comments till a few people responded and maybe helped me figure it out a bit more. i think maybe KF hit on what was confusing me, though, i wouldnt say disgust is right for the tone. i cant think of what you mean tho, what you're trying to say - that the only way he can talk to her while he's sitting right across from her is filtered through fiberoptics? i dunno, maybe you should try to make that more clear. and i liked the line about the phones exploding luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Hi Brad - Nope, never heard a cell phone ring -- welcome me to the year 2000 -) Every time my son calls me on his way to work - driving on the freeway, and I know he is on a cell phone talking and driving; my heart thuds with worry. When he has his cell phone here. It does not work in our area --- NOW leave me alone, I have enough trouble with this new fangled cord less phone that MYSTERIOUSLY is never where it belongs. It has a button to page the phone to ask it where the rest of it is. But don't despair, am not totally out of this generation - as I am a whiz on the computer -) Now, I will go feed the hogs out back and check in here again -) take care, netswan I enjoyed your poem - liked the teasing of the foot - put a softer note to that environment of "big city people" |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, I usually don't care for poems that are so much like prose, but I liked this one...the imagery was very good. I could picture the restaurant, hear the workers' voices, the commotion, and the cell phone ringing. What I percieved the subject to be was just plain old communication between people, and that in this world with new technology in communications constantly emerging, sometimes we forget how to communicate the old fashioned way. You did a nice job of tying the beginning and end together with the "not such a bad thing" lines. Nice read, thanks, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- well, not my favorite of yours, but you do have some interesting things going on. you do a good job of creating an atmosphere of confusion, anger, misunderstanding, and separation in the "real world," and of contrasting this nicely with the pleasantness and "connection" of the cellular world. (i could imagine the trenchcoat guy from the sprint commercials stopping by your table, giving you a phone, and then leaving with a "my work here is through", lol.) you also do a good job playing with both physical and figurative distance here. i really liked the last four stanzas. the first part of the poem, however, i thought could be better. the first two stanzas were fine, but the phones "exploding" kinda bothered me (i think you can come up with a better description there), and the lines with the guy at the end of the bar "shaking, looking / At his phone -- checking and waiting, and cursing / And checking obnoxiously" sounded, to me, anyway, clumsy and unrealistic. i know (or i think i know, anyway, lol) what you're trying to get across there, but it seems to me maybe you're trying too hard there. the "noncomittal" and "noncommitally" so close together a little later bothered me, too, at first, although less so the more i read it. placing the speaker's wife on the same level of engagement with the speaker as the maitre de in the "real" world is good, i liked that, but still, i think maybe you can use a different word in one of those places? just a thought. oh, and one more thing. this piece is, of course, in your familiar narrative style, and has, as i think someone else mentioned, almost a prose-y kinda feel. (i like that, btw.) your line breaks make sense for the most part, and make for effective but subtle emphasis. your line lengths are fairly even throughout, which is fine, but did you consider making the lines in the first part shorter and choppier, and lines near the end, especially when the "connection" is made, a little longer? it occurred to me this might make a neat contrast here. just a thought. do you consciously think about things like this when you're writing, or just go with what "feels" right? (i know, this could get scary here, i'm not sure i really want to know what goes in the mind of brad, lol. ) anyway, thanks for a very interesting read. after writing my comments above, the piece is starting to grow on me a little more, lol. nice job. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-17-2000).] |
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