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The Color of Thought
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Color of Thought |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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fuschia thoughts form as she lies on a flowered chaise yellow sun touching every last muscle tendon relaxing them as her thoughts ride on golden breezes deep gray thoughts heavy in his head he trims hedges not seeing not feeling externally dark tension muscles quiver fuschia thoughts on golden breezes reach him touch him fill him he looks up seeing feeling the vibrant colors of life as never before Kris< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-13-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
cool one Kris! only a few little thoughts, being: if you could think of a name for a color that IS deep gray, that might work better for a parallel with fuscia. and also, i would say "fuscia thoughts form" all in one line. just my little opinion  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks, Elyse...I think that "form" belongs in the first line, too. I've had a nasty case of writer's block, and don't think I'm quite out of it yet. I know this probably isn't even quite acceptable, but I miss this place, and this is all I could manage right now. Thanks again, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
kris (at least your writer's block seems to be measured in days !) I thought Elyse made a good point about "gray" .. maybe "cemented thoughts" or "concrete thoughts". Funnily enough i've been trimming hedges all day today with a petrol trimmer and believe me with the racket it makes any sort of thinking is pretty stolid. Overall though i liked the flower and colour imagery and the concept of thoughts as such, and the relaxant effect of the one, and the tensioning effect of the other ... Thanks Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 05-13-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, It's been much longer than just days...and this, well... Anyway, I wanted to keep as many "color" names as possible. Instead of dark gray, I could use a couple of others, but they don't seem to fit. Dark grey, to me, seems to say: ominous, worrisome, as in dark, gray clouds. I suppose this, again, becomes a matter of personal interpretations, and what each color brings to mind in each individual. Thanks, though, for commenting, and may your writer's block begone on tomorrows breezes. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
This is what you produce during a writer's block? I wish I could write like this at my best! I actually like "deep gray." It conveys all the things you mentioned in above comments and also implies being hard to reach, which I suspect you also intended. -Jimtoo |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Kris, .....and I really, really loved this! Trev  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimtoo, Thanks for the kind words, and I'm so glad you agree with me about the "deep gray"...I was beginning to doubt myself. You don't know how hard I had to stuggle to get this on paper. I can't wait until this is over, and I can feel the words again. Nice to see you here, Kris Hey Trev, Sorry, but I've been waiting a very long time to do that. Thanks for your very kind words. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Don't doubt yourself just because others opinions differ. Poetry depends a lot on opinion. If you like "dark grey" that's cool. But I thought "steel" might work as a color. It's dark and its seemingly inpenetrable. Then the fushia thoughts have really accomplished something by crossing such a rigid barrier. Just a suggestion. Other than offering that suggestion I don't have much to say. I like the mood of this poem and thought it was nicely done. --Kirk T Walker Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hey there kris-- long time no see! i liked this poem very much, "fuschia thoughts" is a very colorful line in more than one sense. i like the "deep gray", actually, with "deep" describing the tonal quality of the color and also modifying "thoughts". the last three lines of the middle stanza seemed a little jarring to me, but that's probably just me, lol. i really liked the idea of sitting back on a chaise in the sun watching the guy do all the work, lol...supervising is my favorite job. nice work, kris, thanks for sharing it with us! jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kirk and jenni, Thank you both for reading and commenting - and for your suggestions. Steel gray does sound good, but lacks the associations I wished to the color to have. Thanks, though. The last lines in the third stanza were meant to be short, staccato sounds - jarring also, I suppose, to communicate tension, anxiety, etc. Again, to both - my appreciation. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kris, So we've got a colorful telepathy going on here. Cool! I would suggest that you expand it slightly and give us a stronger reaction from the guy's point of view. You're showing him vibrancy but I wonder how he would accept it. Would he fight it? Just some thoughts, Brad |
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Robin Junior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 48Cardiff, Wales, UK |
Loved this one. The first stanza is such a vivd picture of relaxation that "deep gray thoughts" jars beautifully. I'd suggest you break from the single word lines at the end, after "seeing" feeling the vibrant colors of life as never before I think this shows the change a little better. Just my thoughts - dump 'em if you will! Robin |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Hi Kris~ I agreed with Brad's remarks in that I wondered about his (the grass-cutter's) reaction. Perhaps a title like "We Did it On the Grass" or "The Day the Gardener Kissed Me" or something similar that would answer the question in a reader's mind. Just a thought. I enjoyed it. best regards, bboog |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad! Nice to see you! In regards to your suggestion, I feel I would not be able to write the male reaction honestly. I am often perplexed, and surprised, by the males' acceptance of, or resistance to, particular issues. I know you guys feel the same way about us. I would rather write from what I know, what I feel, or something I have had a part in. Of course, I could write it as I would like to think the man's reaction would be, or as I think others might like to see it, but that just doesn't feel right. That's why I wrote this as mainly imagery. I thank you, though, for reading, and for your comments. I know you're a busy guy. Robin, Thanks so much for your suggestion...it certainly does put a bit more of the feeling of relaxation back into the ending. I'm glad you read and commented, and I'll be sure to keep this in mind upon editing. bboog, LOL What can I say to your reply? Just LOL, and that is definitely a man's reaction! Thanks for reading, and for your stereotypical male comment. Thanks again to all three of you. Hope you enjoyed, Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-17-2000).] |
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