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Critical Analysis #1
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My Peace!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Peace! |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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Has been ever so like this, The fight never does cease, The fight between the might And the meek, Never fails to ruin, what was My peace! Whatever I seek, till I decease. Destroyed is my peace! My peace, my peace, My peace! When the gates came down, Man sat up with a frown, Pulled another one down, Stage full of clowns. Crazy though it seems, Of guilt it reams, Milk without the cream, I cry without a scream. Each kin and each kith, Seeks to gnaw his teeth, Into the flesh of the week, No sound, no tweak! Is this real or a trick? Nature and life, so bleak, Darkness looms, black Shadows from the creek. Has been ever so like this, The fights never does cease, The fight between the might And the meek, Never fails to ruin, what was My peace! Whatever I seek, till I decease. Destroyed is my peace! My peace, my peace, My peace! Shallow is thy grave, Children play their game, Grow old all the same, Kill in God's name! They say, "Rest in Peace", They mean, "Rust in piece", They say, "Long live the king", They mean, "Child enter the ring", They say, "Love thy neighbour", They mean, "Hurt thy father", They say, "Enjoy your life", They mean, "Enjoy thy kill" This might be sarcastic, I think this is sadistic, To kill one's brethren, Is not even done by the Devil! Has been ever so like this, The fights never does cease, The fight between the might And the meek, Never fails to ruin, what was My peace! Whatever I seek, till I decease. Destroyed is my peace! My peace, my peace, my peace! Till I decease, I lose my peace, Till I decease, till I decease, Till I decease, I lose my peace, My peace, my peace, my peace! Take each day as it comes, Consider each day as a flight, Try hard to succeed and fly, Surely then you will reach some height. But if by some chance you don’t, Remember that tomorrow will always come. Learn this well and learn this hard That today’s efforts will pay for tomorrow’s fun. A Crazy Monster, a.k.a Ski |
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| © Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Seems like a long one, and maybe a twitch disinteresting too. BTTT for others to see, one more try at getting a few criticisms on this...... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Sudhir, please take my editing in the manner of (1) I'm a legal assistant and (2) I have a problem w/misspelling, etc., it drives me bonkers...I like this piece...I only offer these comments because, after you, you stuck it in CA!! ~~~~ Has been ever so like this, The fight never does cease, The fight between the might the fight between the meek, Never fails to ruin, what was my peace! Whatever I seek, till I cease. Destroyed is my peace! My piece of peace, My Peace! When the gates came down, Man sat up, pulled a frown, destroyed, another one down, A stage full of clowns. Crazy though it seems, Of crazed guilt it reams, Milk without the cream, I cry without a scream. Each kin and each kith, Seeks to gnaw his teeth, Into the flesh of the weak, No sound, no squeak! Is this real or a trick? Nature and life, so bleak, Darkness looms, black Shadows cross the creek. Has been ever so like this, The fights never do cease, The fight between the might the fight between the meek, Never fails to ruin, what was My peace! Whatever I seek, till I cease. Destroyed is my peace! My piece of peace, My peace! Shallow is thy grave, Children play their game, Grow old all the same, learn to kill in God's name! They say, "Rest in Peace", They mean, "Rust in piece", They say, "Long live the king", They mean, "Child enter the ring", They say, "Love thy neighbour", They mean, "Hurt thy father", They say, "Enjoy your life", They mean, "Enjoy thy kill" This might be sarcastic, I think it is sadistic, To kill one's brethren, not even the Devil so sins! Has been ever so like this, The fights never do cease, The fight between the might the fight between the meek, Never fails to ruin, what was My peace! Whatever I seek, till I cease. Destroyed is my peace! My piece of peace, my peace! Till I decease, I lose my peace, Till I decease, till I decease, Till I decease, I lose my peace, Must I die, to regain my peace? ~~~~~~~~ I do not think I have taken away from your message. It is perhaps too heavy for some to read in that it is repetitive, but I share with you your frustrations. Regards, Karilea |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hey Sunshine (Karilea), This was posted almost ages ago, that you managed to read this one and then posted your critique is a boon indeed. You have made my poem into a great work by just making a few changes. I agree, this is heavy, thats why maybe no one else bothered to read it all and posting a view is not what comes to mind then. But you did that and I thank you for that. The last so many days, I have been having my bunch of PC problems and crashes of hard disk etc... so will take a few days to actually access the net with convenience. Anyway, frankly, I appreciate your views a lot... Regards, Sudhir Life is like a painting, That in an art gallery is left hanging, Though many come just to look at it, A very few actually come to enjoy it. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Placing yourself in Critical Analysis takes a lot of fortitude...I should be in here more to put my work, but unfortunately, the one time I did, well, there was no criticism...just kind words. If I were to place a piece of mine here, you would do your best to tear it apart and put it back together, wouldn't you? Yes, I thought so! Well, I'll have to find a good one... Cheers, Karilea |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Hi there Sudhir! I was going to do the same thing that Sunshine did - fix a few spellings. This poem is a heavy subject and full of caustic words ---painful -- yet, in so many ways truthful. I noticed when I was reading it, I was skipping over the My peace, my peace, My peace after the first time I saw it, and read it at the end ------I think that would be enough to get the point across and not leave so much reading Otherwise, it is a decent poem, not my preferred reading by any means -- but certainly understand the mood you were in while writing it! You have ones more to my taste in open forum 7 that I have enjoyed reading --) netswan |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hi netswan, Firstly thanks for noticing the poem. I am gratified that you read this one and am very satisfied that you posted me a wonderful reply. I agree completely that this is a caustic subject. In fact, I had posted this in Open poetry 7 first, but none commented, and I realised the the subject was quite different and not many would prefer having this topic to read, since the style and the words are too caustic...So I put it here in CA, adn have been wondering why people wouldn't comment. I was ready to hear, that this is a rubbish or too much or a garbage, or too heavy or something, but again, none did till Karilea did and then you did. Thank you for that. Now, let me get back to the subject, The whole point was about several chapters in human history, where we have killed one another for little personal gains. The world wars were meaningless search for conquest and acquiring of land.... naturally, I was pained and started writing this. I was so disillusioned by all that was happening, that I wrote it all in one sitting in less than ten minutes, distaste was just flowing and I did not stop. When I stopped, I never read it back, for that was not what I usually do. A year later, I re-read this one, and by then I had joined this family of friends, and decided this deserved a post. You are also right when you say that the words my peace, my peace... are repeated too often and quite unnecessary. Thats one of the reasons why I like Karilea's poem much better than what I have written... Your comments have really helped me realise a few more things about poetry that I never knew. Actually, I am no poet, nor a writer. I usually used to write poetry and more of short stories, travellogues, viewpoints, debate matters, etc to kill time during travel, or when I cannot get past a subject happening at all. But, slowly I am gaining insights into poetry with a lot of help from friends like you... Warm Regards, Sudhir. Thanks a lot for the support. |
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