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Critical Analysis #1
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soclyo
New Member
since 2000-05-09
Posts 1


0 posted 2000-05-09 03:58 AM


sorry, it's a tad long!

A man walks with fear down a road created by ancestry,
years of toiling in earth and mud.
Hope and refuge shows no relevance to them.
They, the leaders, the powerful,
but the people are the weak.
The people of belief, righteousness and deity.

Government is overthrown as prospects of light
shine through darkness.
But even darkness can be mistaken as light.
The false flame quickly extinguished,
to reveal the true gloom.
Without the true sun,
No courage.
And with no courage, no freedom from the bleakness.

A conspiracy of hope strikes through the blood of the people.
False security, not real assurance.
A country shrouded in thick smoke,
They cannot see that trust is essential,
power disregards the weak in pursuit of dominance.

On lush ground, swaying parched breeze touches cold hands.
The forgotten or just abandoned people helpless,
as pity spent.
Through many ages,
buds of famine unremembered.
Though a world of flowers breathe soundly.

Strong heads silently turn from obvious consequences.
One split in the footpath where two passages are seen,
A single way denounced -
And forever misunderstood.
Words spoken aloud and banners held high.
Spoken to deaf ears, closed eyes never see.

Wealth received though debt not repaid.
Preciousness kept high above mountains,
where for the people,
no portion is caught.
Life for the living, but death lives too,
deathly living thrives in the weak.

Perpetually through every turn, sunrise and sunset,
each rise of the sun salutes all birds of eternal right.
While dry ground is upturned by harsh races of vanity,
Righteousness is conceived in the minds of the proud.
Yet justice is a symbol of cowardice and fragility.



© Copyright 2000 soclyo - All Rights Reserved
tom
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.
1 posted 2000-05-10 07:36 PM


soclyo
I have read this a few times,and it seems to have more than one message and thats kinda giving me mixed feelings.Each stanza drifts thru a common anger,but not tied into each other,making it tough to read.Don't get me wrong anarchy is a subject worth exploring,but this sounds like a rally speech not a poem.I have written a poem with a similar theme(fade from zero)thats not as harsh or long.
Also I do not agree that "justice is a symbol of cowardice and fragility" to many brave people fought and died for justice...
and I'll leave it at that.
Just my opinion.

tom

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2000-05-12 04:50 AM


I think there might be a lot you could do with this one.  I'm not worried about the length as much as I am a  certain loss of image and transformation into abstract ideas.  I think the first part is much stronger but wanted to see more of the same in the second half. Try to work on painting a more vivid picture of one scene rather than so much commentary.

Great potential,
Brad

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