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Each other...
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Each other... |
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WTVamp Junior Member
since 2000-05-01
Posts 18Salem, OR, US |
They stood on a rainy street corner, broken, careless, starving and cold. It didn't matter how much they suffered, as long as they were together, and as long as they had each other. And as the rain fell down, silently, beautifully, calm, two bodies were put in the ground, hungry, freezing, and gone. They found them on a rainy street corner, broken, lifeless, cold and unknown, but it didn't matter how much they suffered, as long as they were together, and as long as they had each other... |
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| © Copyright 2000 Warren (Vamp) Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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bisundev New Member
since 2000-05-05
Posts 9 |
Simple but beautiful, and heart touching. I like it a lot. Good job! |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello WTVamp, "They stood on a rainy street corner, broken, careless, starving and cold. It didn't matter how much they suffered, as long as they were together, and as long as they had each other." Decent opening but consider changing it up a bit and losing the last two lines of the first stanza. You gave away the whole poem by handing out the complete premise of the story. Consider something along these lines, "On a rainy street corner, they, broken, careless, starving and cold. suffered." "And as the rain fell down, silently, beautifully, calm, two bodies were put in the ground, hungry, freezing, and gone." Pretty decent as well except the last few lines, didn't seem to work. Consider (now these are only suggestions to be used to maybe inspire and are not supposed to be taken as literal changes to be made): "two bodies were put in the ground, frozen hungry cracked and gone." "They found them on a rainy street corner, broken, lifeless, cold and unknown, but it didn't matter how much they suffered, as long as they were together, and as long as they had each other..." This is where I thought it was appropriate to put in the "had each other" part, revealing only at the end what the full meaning of the poem was. Consider losing the "..." at the end, they are un-needed. All in all an okay poem though I think with some tightening it can be a lot better. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
yeah, im with trevor on saving the last 2 lines of the first stanza. especially if you want to keep that repetition at the end, which can be nice, you need to keep those lines for your closing punch. i like what you did with the lines in this case, its not overdone and it fits the theme.  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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WTVamp Junior Member
since 2000-05-01
Posts 18Salem, OR, US |
Thanks for the nice responses, just a little clarification. I thought the repetition was necessary to add a certain twist to the poem. Originally, it starts as a normal type of love stanza, i.e. the world is a beautiful place because they have each other, but the twists comes in the middle. I meant for the two parts in the middle not to be the main body of the poem, but more as a sort of an interlude to what the poem is really about, which is being so blinded by love that in the end even the most important things, like survival, are overlooked. I meant for the main body of the poem to be in the first and last stanza's, and the subtle difference between them to reflect how easy it is to cross the line between how powerful and influential love should be. Maybe with this help it will make more sense. Thanks for the advice anyways! |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey there WTVamp, "I meant for the two parts in the middle not to be the main body of the poem, but more as a sort of an interlude to what the poem is really about, which is being so blinded by love that in the end even the most important things, like survival, are overlooked. I meant for the main body of the poem to be in the first and last stanza's, and the subtle difference between them to reflect how easy it is to cross the line between how powerful and influential love should be. Maybe with this help it will make more sense." Yes we caught on to what you were doing, it made sense, however after reading the first stanza there was really nothing left to read because pretty much the whole poem was already unfolded. It was like you gave away the whole poem immediately and left no thinking or mystery for the reader. I didn't think it had a twist because the first stanza heavily foreshadows that this couple might die because they are homeless and hungry. A twist would have been that each of them were very wealthy, and happy being wealthy, until they meet one another and fall in love and forgot about doing anything but being in love...then they lose their fortunes, live on the streets, forget to even eat, die, but die happy because they kept their love for each other. A twist is when the reader thinks one thing may happen but instead something unexpected happens and in my opinion you didn't present the reader with a twist. Maybe if you were to start of the poem with a fluffy first stanza chaulked full of fond love memories then cast it against the backdrop of their deteriorating physical world it might help with the idea you were going for. I dunno, your call, just thought I'd throw another quarter in the old juke box. Take care, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Nothing wrong with tragedy at the end of a poem but I don't see the couple struggling. I think you should flesh this out a bit and give the reader a chance to feel for the couple -- it might give the poem more impact. Brad |
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WTVamp Junior Member
since 2000-05-01
Posts 18Salem, OR, US |
I think I understand what your saying about not feeling compassion for the couple at the begining, and thanks for the input. This was oringinally intended to be only a simple poem, but I see more room to flesh it out a little now...thanks for the help! |
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