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Critical Analysis #1
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allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road

0 posted 2000-05-10 12:39 PM


on dark roads
they wait
and i don't go

not even in my mind

in the bushes
above dark brown earth
raindrops fall

trickling
down deep green leaves

the rough hide
of a fatherly tree
by daytime

is a skein
of nightmare
in the dark

under the black sky
and the silver stars
the wind roars
and sweeps
through the branches
each leaf crackling alive

on the shiny streets
they wait in corners
deep and dark
planning my entrapment
and exquisite torture

i feel them in my heart
eating me from inside
dark voices of hate
savage teeth and eyes
heavy tall & brutal

not human somehow

they block my path
they make me small
and scared

they snarl and sneer
and laugh at me
threaten me
and bar my way

i am so close to home
so near the safe warm love
of mommy's smile

trapped
in confused humiliation

vulnerable/lost/helpless
alone/terrified, sick at heart

my lifespirit and fire disappear
forever

replaced with fear
so deep
and wide
to cover me

my whole life long



[This message has been edited by allan (edited 05-10-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Allan Tierney - All Rights Reserved
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
1 posted 2000-05-11 12:54 PM


Hi Allan,

"on dark roads
they wait
and i don't go
not even in my mind

in the bushes
above dark brown earth
raindrops fall

trickling
down deep green leaves"

Pretty good opening stanzas. I thought you set the mood well. The only thing I'd consider changing would be "dark brown earht" because you used "dark" as a description only a few lines before..."dark roads". I know you're painting a nightly-errie image but I found dark's repetition noticeable.

"the rough hide
of a fatherly tree
by daytime

is a skein
of nightmare
in the dark"

Loved this part and the comparison drawn....also "skein", good word, hadn't heard it before, had to look it up but the sound the word makes even fits the atmosphere of the poem.

"under the black sky
and the silver stars
the wind roars
and sweeps
through the branches
each leaf crackling alive"

Other than last two lines this stanza came off as kinda cliched and not as original or strong as the previous lines....though I like what you are saying with this stanza.

"on the shiny streets
they wait in corners
deep and dark
planning my entrapment
and exquisite torture"

"shiny streets" seemed out of place though I'm guessing you were trying to show a comparison between safety of a lit street and the danger in the dark? The rest of the stanza is decent but seemed to lack a little "punch" in it.

"i feel them in my heart
eating me from inside
dark voices of hate
savage teeth and eyes
heavy tall & brutal"

Pretty good stanza though perhaps consider changing "heart" and "eating me from the inside"...seemed to light and overused to be grouped in with the rest of these lines. Consider focusing more on the emotion of something eating away at you or feeling it in your heart rather than the action. Describe what this felt like rather than describing what is happening. Dunno, just a suggestion.

"not human somehow"

Seemed unnecessary. The reader already has the idea that what scared you wasn't human.

"they block my path
they make me small
and scared"

I really liked when you introduced this thought and wanted to hear more about this fear making you small/weak/scared etc. Consider expanding on this part.

"they snarl and sneer
and laugh at me
threaten me
and bar my way"

Pretty good little stanza.

"i am so close to home
so near the safe warm love
of mommy's smile"

Again good timing with this stanza.

"trapped
in confused humiliation

vulnerable/lost/helpless
alone/terrified, sick at heart

my lifespirit and fire disappear
forever"

Liked the idea of all this but thought the wording was awkward and less powerful than the rest of the poem. To be honest I thought this was the weak link of the poem. Consider rewriting it to give it more flow and "umphfff!"

"replaced with fear
so deep
and wide
to cover me

my whole life long"

Loved the ending, wrapped it up very nicely.

All in all a pretty enjoyable poem, good story line/theme, nice format (except I didn't think the format change near the end fit the poem), thanks for the read, take care,
Trevor





Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
2 posted 2000-05-11 01:17 AM


Liked  this alot a nice well written piece
th. at maybe needs a little smoothing but
be careful you don`t loose the power it
has. A different approach  speaks to all
our fears and though I`m no critic I know
what I like and I liked this.

Thanks for sharing
forrest



allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road
3 posted 2000-05-11 12:33 PM


on dark roads
they wait
and i don't go

not even in my mind

I look through my window
at the night
heavy rain is falling
trickling cold fingers
down deep green leaves

the rough hide
of a fatherly tree
by daytime

is now a skein
of nightmare
in the dark

under the cold stars
a fierce wind roars
lashing the ghostly trees

and on the rainy streets
they wait in corners
deep and dark
planning my entrapment
and exquisite torture

fear holds me silent
tendrils touching my heart
inside i hear
their hate-filled voices
and see their mocking eyes

they block my path
making me small
overwhelming my life
and darkening my soul

they snarl and sneer
threatening me
barring my way

i am so close to home
so near the safe warm love
of mommy's smile

trapped at their mercy
in confused humiliation
i feel myself change

my smiling open face
turns to a worried frown
as lifespirit
flickers
fades
and
finally
dies

replaced with fear
so deep
and wide
it will cover me

a whole life long

Thank you Trevor for taking a lot of care in going through this poem - I really appreciate your help. I've tried to incorporate some of your ideas above.

Forrest, Thank you for your astute comments.      

To tell a little of the background - the poem describes a two-year period of bullying I suffered between the ages of six and seven. It wasn't an organised plot but there always seemed to be someone waiting for me on my way home from school - sometimes a gang. I suppose some kids have an urgent desire to control, subjugate and terrify... And I was too unworldly and thin-skinned. An ideal victim.    

I know for sure that these incidents permeated my soul. (I don't whine on about it. It's just a fact). I did try to reverse it - but at that age it gets laid in rock solid.

I was lucky, I survived - some just can't get through it. Many even kill themselves.

One problem is that you become a multiple victim. Once bullies have dented your self esteem, degraded and humiliated you (to others, but mainly to yourself) you get to be pretty shy, neurotic and self-conscious. When you exhibit some of these people start giving you rather irritated advice as if it's YOUR fault.

The only thing that helped reverse it for me was being loved by someone. Acceptance, love and respect at least partialy reversed the cycle begun by rejection, humiliation and hatred.




[This message has been edited by allan (edited 05-11-2000).]

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
4 posted 2000-05-11 08:06 PM


allan--

very nice work, on a similar theme to your last post "hairy" but much better i thought.  

i liked:

"under the black sky
and the silver stars
the wind roars and sweeps
through the branches
each leaf crackling alive"

in your original version, especially the last line there, better than what you've replaced it with; i don't know, it seemed to help set the mood a little more effectively in my opinion.  i think the newer version is close to being over the top there.  on the other hand, the lines:

fear holds me silent
tendrils touching my heart
inside i hear
their hate-filled voices
and see their mocking eyes

are a big improvement, i think, so go figure, lol.  

i absolutely loved the lines "the rough hide / of a fatherly tree / by daytime / is a skein / of nightmare / in the dark," very well done.  

i'm not a big fan of "heart" or "soul" or "lifespirit," but that's just me, lol.  and i wonder if the poem might be better if at the end you were a little more subtle with things, maybe deleting everything from "my smiling open face" to "dies" in the revised version and finding a new word for "replaced", going right into the fear that will cover the speaker his whole life; the previous condition of the speaker is there so vividly, i think, in all that precedes without it being explicitly stated (one of the best aspects of the piece, i thought), and the whole lifespirit thing flickering, fading and dying seems a bit too much.  again, just my opinion, for what it's worth (and that ain't much, lol).  

a very good, evocative piece, allan, quite well done.  thanks for a great read!

jenni

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
5 posted 2000-05-11 11:23 PM


Allan~
I liked the rewrite better than the original post. The rain lent a more ominous tone or mood. Was wondering, is Darby the name of the town where you lived? If so, perhaps you might want to retitle the piece with the name of the school. Something like "Ghosts of St.John Elementary, 1970" - in order to give the reader a better clue as to the age/era. Just an idea. Again, I liked the rewrite.
best regards,
bboog

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 2000-05-12 04:22 AM


Okay, you've set the mood but you need to get more specific. Drop the 'they' and tell us who they are. I would take more information from your explanation and add them to the poem.  What about making the line length longer to add more depth (and indeed a more ominious tone) to the piece as a whole.

A couple of points:

Not even in my mind -- seemed out of place.

Under the black sky
And the silver stars
--I think you can do better than that
--Actually that whole stanza could be reworked for a strong aesthetic effect (I think it is the problem with the shorter lines).

             vulnerable/lost/helpless
             alone/terrified, sick at heart

             my lifespirit and fire disappear
             forever

             replaced with fear
             so deep
             and wide
             to cover me

             my whole life long

My guess is your trying for a child-like voice here but, except for mommy, it doesn't quite work for me.

Ah, hell, maybe I'm not in the mood for this kind of thing today.

Brad

allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road
7 posted 2000-05-12 12:40 PM


jenni thanks.

I've printed all the comments from yourself, bboog & Brad and am going through them now. i think you're right about the part starting "under the black sky..." but then again if you see Brad's comments he's not too sure..
You can't please all the people huh?      

I like the "fear holds me silent..." section too as I re-read it - it seems to hang together well.

I find the lines starting "the rough hide..." satisfying too.

You've got a good point on the ending - I anguished for a long time with many edits on it and in the end wasn't really happy with it - i think you're correct in saying that it would be better ended on a subtle feel...

bboog thanks also.

I'm glad the rain had the desired effect!

'Darby' is an obscure reference meaningful only to myself. About a year later than the time the poem is set in (1956-57) I saw a film by Walt Disney at our local cinema which scared me to death. It was called 'Darby O'Gill and the Little People'. It is set in Ireland, very dark, rainy, lots of night scenes (as I remember) and various screaming Banshees, headless horsemen, leprachauns and other scary stuff! This film truly terrified me. I've never seen it since. I'd really like to see what I feel the second time round!    

Brad - thanks also.

Hmmm, the 'they'? Well, I could perhaps try to describe them but there would be a danger that people reading the poem would say "So what?"

Also, I didn't always know who they were - sometimes I would be told "so and so's gonna GET you!" Most of the times they were total strangers to me. Only once did two boys I actually know trap me in a playground just across fthe street from my house late one night. So if I say they are boys - does that really help? I don't think so. Besides, the view I had in my mind was a monstrous, distorted and vague fear - the very vagueness made it even more terrifying. I wasn't seeing the real boys at all...

At the same time the adults started to get in on the act - but that's another story!

I take your point about the longer lines though - I can see that that could add more depth.

I should say that I wrote the poem while trying to immerse myself in the feelings of that time, trying to re-create the atmosphere - it's not so easy to make stylistic changes and keep hold of that 'inner voice'...

'not even in my mind' - i was trying to give an impression of just how terrified i was about all this. i never told a single person about it at the time. i assumed it was normal and i wasn't!

i see you've been critiquing the original version - some of the later lines you quote have already changed somewhat - maybe not for the better, but changed...      

Thank you all very much - i truly appreciate the advice...      



[This message has been edited by allan (edited 05-12-2000).]

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