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One Last Walk
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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One Last Walk |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
One Last Walk their was no avoiding this thing I`d seen it coming for sometime terminal cancer and no hope for remission I`d had him since puppy-happy times a blue merle australian shepard I see him this morning standing on the hill just below a second growth sumac patch his blue and white coat backlit by the morning sun unimpressed by surface appearances he had a way of knowing a thing by the way that it smelled a serious dog not easily detered or fooled by surface appearances he loved me unconditionly. but he`s dying nothing to be done no way forward no way back helpless in myself I find a spot overlooking the fields and dig his grave the digging is hard though the soil is soft enough finished I stare at the evening stars as they rise above the mountains I watch the sparrows settle on the limbs of a dead elm lost in my self I hadn`t noticed he had pulled himself up to lay his head on my lap sniffing once at the open grave then looking up at me he always had a way of knowing where he needed to be my heart a trail of tears tracking memories past years of loyalty I gather him up and we take one last walk following along the well worn trail celebrating the land and beauty we`d grown to love the next morning I find him below broken rock creek, unable to crawl from the water his pain more than I can stand I chamber a round and shoot just once I walk down the creek a pace and squat on a flat rock staring without expression into the water until thready tendrils of blood flow past like accusing fingers pointing at me it was there that I grieved I knew my life would never be the same I buried him on a little knoll with a chiseled rock as a marker I set there most of the night and listen to the cleansing waters and the sounds of the night birds. In the distance, I heard, a familar bark, an insistant bark, a bark I couldn`t deny. The sunshine was warm on my face that morning but I couldn`t stop shivering. forrest cain 2000 [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-16-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Very touching story about your relationship with your dog. I feel the same way about my pet gerbil Wilber Jackson. I hope I never have to shoot him. I know I won't shoot him in the creek. Probably the same creek that was in your love poem about the dead guy. Geez Forrest you are a morbid turd. You probably judge your poems to your wife by how much she cries after she reads them. Maybe you could have put something in your poem about a puppy that is still alive. I have an older Brother just like you. He is very talented writes beautiful poetry but always morbid. He is a little gullible too. I blame it on the Marine Corps. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
eldridge give me a topic and I`ll make you smile. By the way I was in the marine corp to and am now a nephrology nurse specialist. I guess that makes me a trained killer nurse. Don`t mean to depress you but my wife only cries if I don`t take her dancing. Generally I`m areal comedian. Well what shall it be my man. I wait your reply. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hey forrest. i know you can do better than this. i think it needs to be tighter, and maybe not relying so heavily on "he was" type sentences, maybe a little less prosaic. that'll strecgthen the sense of emotion you feel. the passages with more active verbs and (what i call) poetry-ness tug much harder at the heart. if you made it all that way, you could make people cry. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
OK here is a topic now make me smile. One brother playing a joke on another.  |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
eldridge had all ready figured it out(ask sunshine) but now you`ve turned the most wonderful elyse against me because now she thinks I`m a turd. By the way elyse dumb down your critique so I can benifit from it. As you well know I value your opinion but could you give me an example. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
and what made you think elyse thought you were a turd??? but, since you would like examples..... his love was unconditional and he would have died for me he was a beautiful dog i dunno, it seems to me you could say all this without saying it explicitly. im sure you know what i mean. imply it, i guess. this is one of those nice passages though the soil was soft enough I was helpless in myself unable to go forward or back I watched as the sparrows settled on the lower limbs of a long dead elm lost in my silent reverie I never noticed he had pulled himself up to lay his head on my lap see, cuz its narrative, and talks of digging, but speaks of soft, deep love. see what i mean? this expresses your feelings much more quietly, but also much more deeply, dont you think? or am i just a crazy girl? luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Of course your right elyse. I tend to describe a thing before I draw in emotion and didn`t give myself enough time on this. I`m going to withdraw it and do it right. I can always count on you to show me the light. By the way that eldridge jackson fellow is my brother. I`ve been tring to draw him in to do some postings but he`s a song writer and can`t be convinced. To give you an example of his work. he described the pain of our fathers death in a song called little angels. But the line that appealed to me was"the pain they were feeling could not be explained but it`s something like forty days of rain" etc as always your biggest fan forrest(working on being less prosaic) and thanks for your valuable feedback. . |
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Broken_Winged_Angel Senior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 994Small Town, Somewhere |
 I don't think I'd make a very good critic. The poem brought tears to my eyes as it is, but I'm an animal lover struggling with the decision to put my dog down or not. Anyways, the only thing I can think of is what my writing teacher always drilled into my head. Use less "he"'s and "the"s and find words to take their places. Or just delete them.  It pulls everything together at the end and really makes a difference sometimes. But like I said, I like it the way it is now. I awake to a world I don't want. There is no transition for me. I am in heaven. I am in hell. |
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Broken_Winged_Angel Senior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 994Small Town, Somewhere |
P.S. I think that "their" in the first sentence should be "there" if you want spelling errors too...  I awake to a world I don't want. There is no transition for me. I am in heaven. I am in hell. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Broken wing angel so sorry about your dog. Have the vet put him down shooting him may be easier for the dog but it will tear your heart out . I had no choice. Thanks for your kind words. forrest cain |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A strong story that needs to be cut down for more impact. Some have already gotten to the he's and such so I won't reiterate that but I wonder if you can't try for some more interesting adjectives: cruel sun salty tears dark between the stars These types of things are a little overdone I'm afraid. Again, you've got a great story but I think you need to work on the language a little bit. Thanks, Brad |
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