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Critical Analysis #1
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The Sound of my day breaking.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Sound of my day breaking. |
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fool Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 61 |
I stand transfixed as the spider web of cracks appear before my eyes. Riveted where I am, fascination fills me in equal parts with dread, as the tiny tendrils spread and run across my mind. They climb so fast, mapping all my day, with lines of fractured hope, and the sliver marks they make begin to meet and join, and the fear they hold grips me, the sadness they carry freezes my soul. And still they meet, collecting in patterns of unreal texture, a cracking noise begins, and my soul screams its despair to hear that sound. Finally a piece breaks off, and stark terror is me now as I watch my happiness fall, to shatter as wretched shards upon the ground. swiftly now the process goes, and piece by piece, I fall away. Light,longing,pleasure, hope, all smash useless at my feet. A huge piece begins to crumble, and I lurch with desperation to hold it, to catch and protect it, but it slashes my grasping hands as I try and explodes on impact with the cruel earth, dripping sadness and blood together, I stare at our love, shattered forevermore and I have no words left to describe when you left, and started the sound, of my day breaking. |
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| © Copyright 2000 fool - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Loved the ending! Actually I liked the entire poem, but I will note some observations: I would re-write the 'equal parts' line -- too ambiguous for my taste. And every line that you use 'begins' or 'begin' I would also re-write. And I like 'in wretched shards' better than 'as wretched shards'. Enjoyed the read! |
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rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
SAY WHAT YOU SEE, SAT-WHAT-YOU-SEE |
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bisundev New Member
since 2000-05-05
Posts 9 |
I can feel your despair as your love walks away from you. However, I felt probably you might want to replace the following lines with the ones in the parantheses  --and my soul screams its despair (and my soul screams in despair) and stark terror is me now (and stark terror is in me now) Well done. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
oh, i think you have some great images in here. and i love the title and your ending. the only thing, you might consider tightening it up and making it a bit shorter. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
Hi I loved the imagery in it. Very beautiful expression of love and parting. Hope and not despair will carry a lot in love. Sincerely A_L |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Fool (is that what you want to be called?): I am afraid that I don't have time to comment on this detail now. I will say that I enjoyed the poem very much and that I will be back to take a closer look soon. Jim |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Fool: I'm baaaack. I liked the poem very much. Usually I am not much of a fan of the use of phrases like "freezes my soul" and "soul screams its despair" because of the hints of melodrama. But in your case, I think you used the words appropriately. A breakup of a close relationship certainly causes "melodramatic" feelings. I thought "I stand" was a relatively weak way of beginning your first line. Perhaps you would consider a more forceful entrance that could serve as the blow that shattered the glass. Perhaps, "Transfixed, I stand / before the spiderweb of cracks that spread before my eyes." Just a thought. I think "Transfixed" has a stronger sound to it than "I stand". Just an opinion. I think you developed the theme very well, incorporating the spiderweb of cracks throughout and doing it well. I agree that the last two lines are a very fitting ending. Thanks for the read, Fool. I look forward to reading more of your stuff soon. The incredibly behind in his work, Jim |
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fool Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 61 |
to all of you.i just wanted to say thankyou for your comments,I do appreciate your input. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
F~ I liked this poem and I think Marq, Elyse and Jim B. have already given you some solid suggestions that I would agree with. Good work though! best regards, bboog |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I wasn't as impressed as everyone else was. I didn't like the 'soul' stuff and certainly thought it hovered on the melodramatic here. Yet, where I see real potential here is in the idea itself. Give us more imagery on the whole idea of breaking up. Make it something like out of a Star Trek episode but with common, everyday things and actions. I think that would be a very interesting read. With the title (not a bad double play), I think the ending should be slightly restructured. Just an opinion, Brad |
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