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A love Story
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A love Story |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Sounds Of The Wind I remember a time of drift river sun and green mountain nights looking up at the sky and seeing the light of stars as it danced from her eyes like a nebulous mist to spill like water past my fingertips its beauty too perfect to hold and the night birds sang a dizzy song as I followed the night path home. (her hair a brush of moonlight wisps of clouds woven through) And I remember a time beneath the shade of the willow drowsy nearly asleep then the winds picked up and the clouds darkened and the hills shook with thunder and we ran with reckless abandon arms outstretched splattering every puddle and we saved the stuff that rainbows are made of for a day when the sun wouldn`t shine. (breathless the rain her breasts as she ran) and I remember a time of four leaf clovers and wildwood honey and sipping water from lost rock spring and we picked blackberries along crooked creek run and dug sassafras root to make tea and I remember our times together chasing moonshadows and lightening bugs and butterflies like flowers adrift on the wind. and I carried her across drowning man creek so she wouldn`t get mud on her feet. (her legs reaching up the curve of her back) and I remember a time of Sunday night sermons and long-winded preachers and how we set in the back of the church pew side by side holding hands she`d blush at the thought that someone would see us there. and after church we`d walk the ridge road home my jacket draped over her shoulder and in the evenings we`d sit where the curve of the hill touched the sky and watched the sun colors splash from the clouds and the trees and the wings of a bird (and she touched my face with the back of her hand and I can still feel the heat of her kiss) and I remember that once upon a time and a long time ago and they lived ... ever after and if I could wish upon a star or drop a coin down a wishing well I would wish for a time of innocence and wonder and beauty just to breathe the stir of her mouth and springs first rain that falls along the blossomed branch and if I could wish a wish I`d wish that we were as children again following the road through the sweet scented wood that leads the way home. near death he whispers these words by his hospital bed I listen he talked of her beauty and her sweet gentle soul and how he loved her so his breathing was shallow and his face was pale the sounds of his heart irregular and the pain that he felt like a fist of wild horses bucking against his chest then the morphine kicked in and he closed his eyes three hours later he died. (she took his hand and lifted him up and ...} kneeling there I placed a rose/white as snow on her grave and to him I give back the words that he said and the promise that I`ll never forget the look on his face as he spoke of his love and the light of the stars in her eyes. and in the distance I hear the sounds of the wind wispy, whispered, dreamy sounds and I can almost understand the words being said "come with me come with me my love and we`ll fly beyond the stars." John Jacobs 1896-1987 Mary Jacobs 1899-1928 He never remarried he waited his whole life for her. forrest cain 2000 [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-16-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
so, are those real people? related to you maybe?? some of these images are just excellent. but now for the "slice and dice" (mwahahaha) i wouldnt say these two together like this: and drift river sun looking up at the night i would just stick with the nighttime images. throwing the sun in there kinda skews the stanza, where you talk of silvery things and moonlight and stars n stuff. i wouldnt say "until" in stanza 2. i cant say why. i would try then or and instead. im probably just being wierd. reckless is spelled like this <---- i would choose a more evocative verb than "stepping" for the puddles. think bigger. that rainbow line is killer  should "crooked fork creek" be capitalized? it is a place, yes? how bout "drownding man creek"? long-winded should be hyphenated i think. i would go with something different from "looked" im not sure what youre tryin to do with "and my heart" in the parentheses. its wierd, it doesnt seem to go with anything else, and i dont understand what you mean. the () on stanza 2 dont make sense to me either. it seems like 3 totally different things. maybe add a preposition (such as on) to make it work better. and nix that heart stuff. or 'splain it better. i would drop "tired" from that first line, it'll be more alliterative, and have a better rhythm. i would go with just "rose/white as snow" i think its clear enough, and gives better flow. i might say "and of my heart" but its fine as is you did mean "he waited his whole life/for her", yes? lastly, you might consider a dash more punctuation, and to recheck for spelling errors. so really, not many comments at this time  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
forrest-- this was simply beautiful; ever so slightly on the side of being too lengthy, but you maintain that tone of "innocence, wonder and beauty" in a simple, down-home, folksy kind of way throughout without ever getting too maudlin. very well done. i have to echo elyse's comments about the "...and my heart" lines, though; i thought they were confusing, disruptive, and a bit awkward. if you were trying to tie them in somehow with john jacob's heart condition in the final stanzas, and with the speaker's own heart in the final line, i don't think it worked (at least not for me). i'd keep "drift river sun" in stanza 1, i think it goes with the green mountain skies quite nicely (i don't see the entire first stanza as night), but elyse has a good point to think about there (making it all night). i like her suggestion of dropping the first "as" in "as white as snow" in stanza 7. there are a number of minor spelling mistakes (though i see you corrected some since the first time i read this about 20 minutes ago, and substituted blackberries for raspberries, lol) and at least one missing apostrophe, and i think you left a word out in the second to last line ("he waited his whole LIFE"); a little more proofreading might be in order. still, this is a remarkable, evocative poem with a subtle emotional power. great job, forrest. thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Miss elyse I thank you deeply and most sincerly for your very excellent evaluation. I have tried to smooth out the spelling etc. but am having a hard time letting loose of sun in the first verse. It just seems to loose power when I substitute dusk etc. This poem is actually about a man I took care of for several months in the hospital and I was there when he died. But the story is his and I`ve told it the best I could. Lord I know I have lousy spelling/grammer. Thank goodness for angels like you. As always I value your opinion. your barely literate friend forrest |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
jenny thank you very much for your words and I have made several corections. Originaly I wanted to trace the story of there love from childhood to death and beyond. And wish I would have edited more before submitting. The "and my heart" was supposed to symbolize his following in love but was to vaque to work. I just started this today and probably rushedit. Anyway thanks for reading and please offer any suggestions you may have. your friend forrest |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
I loved this Forrest. With this poem and the other about the tree I was instantly transported to a beautiful place. You have a wonderful ability to communicate image and feel. Some possible typos: her beauty to perfect to hold her beauty too perfect to hold beneathe the shade of the willow (beneath) and I carried you across Drownding Man creek (should that be "Drowning Man"? & creek - with capital?) my jacket drapped on her shoulders (draped) and we saved the stuff that rainbows are made of for a day when the sun wouldn`t shine. (i think would read better with a new line after 'of': and we saved the stuff that rainbows are made of for a day when the sun wouldn`t shine.) and how we set in the back of the church ('set' to 'sat') his heart was dieing and he never woke up (dying) and kneeling there I placed a rose/white as snow on her grave (rose, white...)(?) or: and kneeling there I placed a rose white as snow on her grave [This message has been edited by allan (edited 05-04-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
can i just say something about the creek names? i know they are used here as proper nouns, but i don't think they should be capitalized. forrest, of course, you're the boss here, and perhaps they are real names of actual creeks. but i think it has a better feel if the names aren't capitalized, as if "last rock spring," "crooked run creek" and "drowning man creek" weren't their real names, but simply what the two people called them privately between themselves. of course, i recognize that even then they'd be proper nouns. but capitalizing them, i think, announces them as Named Things for the entire world, and loses a little of the sense of intimacy that these people have for these places. anyway, just a thought on a very minor point. oh, one more thing on reading allan's post again a little more carefully, lol. i love the use of "set" instead of "sat" in church. this is an american colloquialism, allan, absolutely perfectly in keeping with the tone and voice of the piece. i wouldn't change that, forrest. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-04-2000).] |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I loved the poem. It brought tears to my eyes. If ever a man loved a woman with all his heart surely this man did. You captured the essence of that love and in a simple yet eloquent manner. I wish I could do that. You have a talent Forrest please keep posting. crooked fork creek, Fireflies, Blackberries, Sassafras root gives away your location. WV I assume. Yet again I remind you the poem was great and then you killed the hero. Please give me a happy ending. I know you can do it. |
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bisundev New Member
since 2000-05-05
Posts 9 |
All I can say is that this is a beautiful poem. I like the nature images that you have used. They go very well with the poem. The only thing I don't understand is the repetition of the phrase "the sounds of the wind". Does it add any extra effect? |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Eldridgejackson how astute, W.V. born and bred and I thank you for your very generous feedback. Bisunder the" sounds of the wind may seem to be irrelevent" but only because I wasn`t able to communicate it properly. The burial place of this beautiful couple rests in a litte glade surrounded by huge oak trees. And while contemplating his death the wind was blowing through the trees and it sounded like voices and you could almost hear words. The lone cry of the whippoorwill just added to the surrealism of this event. Do you have any suggestions as how I can make this clearer. Good feedback and thanks. I generally don`t always write gloom and doom but I work in the medical profesion and all of our patients die over a period of months to 20 years. I grieve their passing greatly and writing helps me cope. I don`t write poetry, poetry writes me. thanks forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 05-06-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Bizundev I have made some changes in the last lines.I`m still not sure it conveys my intentions. Whats your thoughts. forrest |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Jenni thank you for your very well thought out critique. It was helpful and I`m sorry I`ve been so long in replying but something ate my pass words. Again my thanks. forrest |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This poem is pretty good. I admit I was a little frustrated with the beginning. Seems you can do a lot more with that idea, expand it and flesh it out (and shorten it at the same time believe it or not). By the second part, however, you had me going pretty well. A nice, sentimental poem, Brad |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
sorry so long in replying brad but I lost track of this poem. Gosh yes I need to put it on a diet way to sweet. My only excuse is the valium I was taking for a back injury. Despite this your comments were very kind. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi forrest. since this is here again, i want to say how really, wonderfuly beautiful it is again. (plus i have a few more comments, )you say "church pew" in one place, i dont think you need to, you can just say "pew", we'll get the idea. also, stanza 9, the one right before "he whispered these words", maybe it could, um, go? i dunno, it doesnt seem to add anything, and its a little whirlly swirlly while the rest of it is calm and sweet. just a thought luv Elyse |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse I agree with you totally on this and about 5 other changes I wanted to make to make it more readable/less complicated and couldn`t edit because of the poems age. So I thought I`d move it to the front and could eliminate stuff like pew entirely, remove the ed from watched. Eliminate the sassafrass root line and instead of using she`d blush I was going to use we`d. You are so very kind to comment I was really trying to clean this up and make it more readable. thanks luv forrest |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I agree with Elyse how we set in the last pew at the back of the church something like that maybe. JC |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I guess I'm a little slow in getting to this one. When I first saw it, it just seemed too long so I read a little then went back to work, sorry for that. Today I finally got interested and read a little more. By about the third stanza, I was hooked and couldn't stop. You already have plenty of advice on how to polish it so I won't try to add more now. I just wanted to say I found it fascinating. A sentimental story well told. As far as the "happy ending", I think changing what you have now would be a big mistake. I don't see this a a sad ending. We all must die eventually and to be remembered like this is truly a pleasant thought. Thanks Pete |
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