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Some Girl
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Some Girl |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Some girl out there had called my name; I couldn't remember where I heard her from. She lifted and offered a bowl of ice Above her head to show the gift in sincerity. Her hair was slapped against her cheek And the faded signs crashed the walls behind. As if a skirt were trapped in the rails of the empty Station connection, she stood and moved. Her summer dress was caught between her legs And resembled the rails of the station she stood in. The sound of the warning came to both of us But she still held the ice in glass. The glass and ice vibrated from the train, The roaring wind, and her shaking hands But still she implored that I accept That we're not the same as we thought we were, That we're not the same as we thought we were. |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I've read this, and then read it some more, and then came back hours later and read it even more. This piece intrigues me so much, but I just can't put my finger on what I want it to mean. The way you do the stanzas and the sentances, I feel like I'm looking at pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, that are in the right order, the right place, but just haven't been stuck together yet. I think I see the general outline of the picture, but there are still these holes that keep it from coming together. I don't know if you intended this (my guess is yes, especially after re-reading the revived thread with your "puzzle" poem), but it really makes me think. I haven't decided yet if it's a good thing (not me thinking, but rather the incomplete feel of the poem *grins*) or not. On some technical aspects, I don't like the second line the third sentance. It just doesn't make sense or feel like it's worded right. It's almost like you missed a word somewhere. Also, the way the fourth sentance (4th stanza) is worded is awkward, with the dependent clause first. Makes me feel like I've either started in the middle of a sentance or like I'm reading a fragment. Both of those could probably be reworked easily enough if you choose to. Like I said, I'm very intrigued by this, and I guarantee you I'll be reading it some more and coming back with more ideas, etc. Ryan PS This did feel like it had some religious connotations, especially at the end. Like she's a messiah or prophet or something trying to change the way we think about human kind in general. Just an idea that's working in my brain. I'll fully develop it later. I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Brad I think you've got some really good lines here. I like this poem though there was much I didn't comprehend. This poem has a worked on feel to it, like you constructed it thoughtfully rather than just threw it together, and even so a couple of the lines like Ryan mentioned seem glaringly misworded. I only read it twice -- but I'd do some high scrutiny fine-tuning. The good parts are very good, of course.  ) |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Brad: Hmmm. Nice poem. I like the sound and the images but I am having a hard time really interpreting them. I don't think that matters too much because if I tried harder I could come up with something whether that's what you intended or not. I am confused especially by the offering of ice and I see half-poem and half-beer commercial. The line about her skirt being caught "between her legs" I thought should be reworded because the phrase just carries too much mixed connotation and is distracting. Anyway, I may be rambling a little, but I liked the poem and just think it needs a little change in vocabulary to make it more poetic and perhaps a slight bit more specific (to add more direction toward the intended overall meaning). |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi brad-- i thought this piece was quite interesting. parts of it i admit have me baffled. i see it as a man standing in a train station looking at an advertisement, a poster or sign on the wall featuring a woman holding....um, a bowl of ice. (this is one of the things that baffles me, lol, but i just say to myself, "ok, brad sees all sorts of crazy stuff in train stations," and go on reading.  ) the ending i see two different ways, and i like them both: either that the poster is imploring the speaker to think of himself as someone admirable, chic, and cool, worthy of having a beautiful model in a flimsy summer dress serve him ice, lol, and, alternatively, that the poster of the glamorous ice-serving model, seen maybe at night in a lonely, slightly grubby train station, by its very contast with its surroundings puts a little doubt in the speaker's image of himself, brings him back to earth, so to speak, deflates him. the weird thing is, i don't think these are mutually exclusive, i think one can feel both at the same time. in other words, the poster (or modern advertising in general, i guess you could say), makes one feel both larger, special and unique, and yet smaller and utterly mundane at the same time. anyway, that's my story, i'm sticking to it, lol. i liked the structure of the fourth stanza, the dependent clause coming first doesn't bother me at all. the second instance of the word "stood" in the fifth stanza, though, is maybe a little troublesome. if you were, actually, describing an advertising poster here (and i am by no means certain you are, lol), i think you could use "posed" in the fifth stanza. it might make the poem a little more obvious, sure, lol, but i don't think this piece is in danger of being too obvious, lol. you do alot of neat stuff with "a" skirt and "her" skirt, rails and "station" in the middle part of the piece, lots of different levels there. i'm sure there are lots of other interesting things, as well; i see more every time i read it. i also liked the repetition in the last two lines, thought that was a nice touch. very well done, brad, i enjoyed this one. jenni |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who replied. I was getting worried that it was just too abstract to even bother with. I'm probably too close to this to see all the things that have been pointed out here and I appreciate the comments. The two middle stanzas are an attempt at what's called a 'mise en abyme' (scene of abyss). The best way I can explain this is to place a mirror in front of another mirror and watch how they reflect back on themselves in a way that seems infinitely. She (whole body) reminds the speaker of a skirt stuck in the rails as the skirt she wears (and her legs) remind him of another skirt that is stuck in rail which reminds him of her (whole body) and so forth. Does it work? People seem intrigued but there may be a better way to get this idea across -- I don't know yet but I'll probably come back to this idea at some time. The repetition is there to reinforce this idea but that doesn't mean it works. Some more points: Ryan, Never considered this as religious but certainly about 'connections' between people -- I think you got the gist. Marq, I see your point about the awkwardness and may play around with it a little more to see if I can at least alleviate some of that. Kirk, The beer commercial reference was hilarious (and something I should have seen myself) but the ice symbol as three antecedents: 1. In Heian Japan, there would be trip to the north to bring back ice to the emperor in summer. In an elaborate ceremony, he would taste the ice which of course would be quite a bit smaller than the original chunk brought down from the north. 2. I was trying to portray a certain type of transience. 3. I heard somewhere that crunching on ice was a sign of sexual frustration (I never got this explicitly into the piece). Jenni, Well, I wasn't thinking of a poster but who cares. She is definitely one sign among many. I was loosely using the cover of Thomas Pynchon's 'V' (by Mark Penberthy); I wanted a surreal effect. Part of the motivation for this one, Jenni, was to get away from my 'familiar narrative style'.  How do I describe my intention here? Well, I'm tempted to go the route of T.S. Eliot and say I just wanted a feeling of isolation (or to use standard twentieth century terminology -- alienation). But some of his explications have always bothered me because I always thought he was being disingenuous. I guess you could say that human connections however transient must begin with a moment of risk and that includes a rethinking of the past and identity. I left the success of this 'offering' undetermined because, of course, gifts don't always succeed. Again, thanks to everyone who read this. The consensus seems to be a strong poem that needs a little tweaking -- can't complain about that. Brad PS Yeah, I do get a lot of ideas from train stations. The other two places are my favorite bar and my balcony (and the occasional dream). PPS Oh yeah, and my wife . . . |
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