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Critical Analysis #1
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Ripples - Comments please
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Ripples - Comments please |
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Robin Junior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 48Cardiff, Wales, UK |
A smiling face hides the depths Below which the body cannot sink Without losing itself in a flare Of immolation And fear. To think that no-one is better. That no-one will rule when I’m gone. To know that fear is a blanket That keeps the cold out of my heart Sensing the past as the future Knowing I’ve forgotten the truth When the sun rises in the night time To turn the fearsome ones away. The voices that cry in my memory A cigarette calling for me to start A drink shouting in the cupboard Dragging my thoughts their way While the future waivers in the ripples of the past And the present steams ahead towards history Ignoring my calls for forgiveness. [This message has been edited by Robin (edited 04-30-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Robin, The theme is brilliant, a bit more structure would have been adequate. Check out for the spelling mistakes though... regards, sudhir Take each day as it comes, Consider each day as a flight, Try hard to succeed and fly, Surely then you will reach some height. But if by some chance you don’t, Remember that tomorrow will always come. Learn this well and learn this hard That today’s efforts will pay for tomorrow’s fun. A Crazy Monster, a.k.a Ski |
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Robin Junior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 48Cardiff, Wales, UK |
Thanks Sudhir, Don't you just hate it when you see the spelling errors, and then forget to change them before you submit! Hey Ho! Robin |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Robin! a very interesting poem. I read it a couple times, nicely complex, i like the circular-ness of it (look, i invented a new word  )some suggestions: i would push below to the second line, making it A smiling face hides the depths Below which the body cannot sink this'll emphasize "depths" a little more, and it keeps the next thought more together, and makes it a little easier to get. i would put periods at the end of each line in the second stanza. it'll repeat the sense of finality and gravity of those lines. i might say "These voices" instead of "The voices" it implies a sense of familiarity with the voices, that they've been there before, almost haunting. you could consider using a capital V. and i would change "wavers" to quivers, quavers, anything, cuz, at first i read wavers to mean: people who wave, instead of the verb. but mostly striking, and very good  luv Elyse |
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Robin Junior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 48Cardiff, Wales, UK |
Elyse, Thanks for your comments. They do help don't they. I have taken you up on some but not all of them. "Wavers" may have caused confusion, but only because it is not spelled right. So now it is "waivers" which is what I meant all along! The other thing is your comment on "These voices" which you suggested would give a greater familiarity. I have stayed with "the" for that very reason. It's a denial that the needs come from within. They cry in my memory but they are not me crying in my memory! So, again, thanks for the comments: The punctuation changes certainly help. Love Robin [This message has been edited by Robin (edited 04-30-2000).] |
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